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What are the two worst things about Bill Clinton?
His faces.

It was June 2006 and it was George Bush’s birthday. He went down to breakfast knowing Laura Bush would be pleasant and say “Happy Birthday,” and probably have a present for him.

She didn’t even say “Good Morning,” let alone any “Happy Birthday.” He thought, “Well, that’s wives for you. The children will remember.” The children came down to breakfast and didn’t say a word.

Then he started to the office and was feeling pretty low and despondent. As he walked into his office, his personal secretary, Janet said, “Good Morning, Mr. President, Happy Birthday.” And he felt a little better; someone had remembered. He worked until noon.

Then, Janet knocked on his door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside and it’s your birthday, let’s go to lunch, just you and me.”

He said, “By George, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go.” He went to lunch. They didn’t go where they normally go; they went out into the country to a little private place. They had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day. We don’t need to go back to the office, do we'” He said, “No, I guess not.” She said, “Let’s go to my apartment.”

After arriving at her apartment she said, “Mr. President, if you don’t mind, I think I’ll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.”

“Sure,” he excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by his wife, children, and dozens of his friends. They were all singing Happy Birthday… …and there on the couch he sat… naked !

Matt’s dad picked him up from school one afternoon. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.
Matt enthusiastically announced that he’d gotten a part. “I play a man who’s been married for twenty years.”
“That’s great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they’ll be giving you a speaking part.”

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of a single one, sorry.

What did they find in Monica Lewinsky’s dress pocket?
A wad of Bill’s.

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