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This lady surprised a burglar in her kitchen. He was all loaded down with the things he was going to steal. She had no weapon and was all alone. The only thing that she could think to do was quote Scripture. So she holds up a hand and says: “ACTS 2:38!!!”
The burglar quakes in fear and then freezes to the point that she is able to get to the phone and call 911 for the cops. When the cops arrive, the burglar is still frozen in place. They are very much surprised that a woman alone with no weapon could do this. One of them asked the lady: “How did you do this?”
The woman replied, “I quoted Scripture.”
The cop turned to the burglar: “What was it about the scripture that had such an effect on you?”
The burglar replied: “Scripture! What scripture? I thought she said she had an ax and two 38′s.”

Put employees into a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them without any instruction and check back on them in two hours.

* If they have taken the table apart…
…assign them to engineering.

* If they are counting butts in the ashtray…
…put them in finance.

* If they are talking to the chairs…
…assign them to personnel.

* If they are sleeping…
…they are management material.

* If they do not notice when you walk in…
…place them in security.

* And if they have left early…
…put them in sales.

If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end…it would be a good idea.

A jazz musician dies and goes to heaven. He is told “Hey man, welcome! You have been elected to the Jazz All-Stars of Heaven–right up there with Satchmo, Miles, Django, all the greats. We have a gig tonight. Only one problem–God’s girlfriend gets to sing.”

A man walked into a psychiatrist’s office, sat down, took out a pack of cigarettes. He removed a cigarette from the pack, unrolled it, and stuffed the tobacco up his nose. The shrink frowned and said, “I see you need my help!” The guy said, “Yeah, Doc. Got a match?”

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