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In light of the recent arrest of 58 American Airlines employees for drug and weapons smuggling, here is a top ten list of new American Airlines slogans.

10) Fly Higher.

9) We’re the Official Airline of the Cali Cartel.

8) We now serve one more type of coke.

7) Try our new coffee flavor: Heroin Hazelnut.

6) Our overhead bins can hold most firearms.

5) Ship 110 pounds of cocaine, pay for only 100.

4) If you have to wait on line, we’ll give you a line.

3) Use your frequent flyer miles to post bail.

2) Meet our new spokesman, George W. Bush.

1) All our flights are smoking flights!

It has come to our attention that a few copies of the Alabama edition of Windows eXP may have accidentally been shipped outside Alabama. If you have one of the Alabama editions you may need some help understanding the commands.

The Alabama edition may be recognized by looking at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS eXP with a background picture of the General Lee super imposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy Duke screen saver.

Also note the Recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse, My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption, Dialup Networking is called Good Ol’ Boys, Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard, Hard Drive is referred to as 4 wheel drive, and CDs are them little ole plastic disc thangs.

Other features:
Instead of a error message you get a winder covered with a garbage bag and duct tape.

A few terms may need translation:
OK ats aww-right
cancel hail no
reset aw shoot
yes shore
no Naaaa
find hunt-fer it
go to over yonder
back back yonder
help hep me out here
stop ternit off
start crank it up
settings sittins
programs stuff at does stuff
documents stuff I done done

Also note that Winders eXP does not recognize capital letters or punctuation marks.

Some programs that are exclusive to Winders eXP:

tiperiter A word processor
colering book a graphics program
addin mershene calculator
outhouse paper notepad
jupe-box CD Player
iner-net Internet Explorer
pichers A graphics viewer
IRS M/S accounting software
IRS2 M/S accounting software with hidden files
coon dog American kennel club records
fishin Bass Anglers Sportsman Society records
NRA National Rifle Association
shot gun Remington Arms price list
riffel Winchester price list
pisstel Smith & Wesson price list
truck Ford & Chevrolet dealers in AL by zip code
house Nearest Mobile home repair service by zip code
car same as truck just need two lists in Alabama
cuzzins family history usually a 3 meg file
tax records usually an empty file
shells ammunition inventory another 3 meg file
bud list of Budweiser dealers by zip code
rasin NASCAR racing schedule includes list of TV stations that carry the race
car n truck parts nearest Junk yard by zip code
doc veterinarians by zip code

Q: How can you tell someone is a true music lover?

A: When they even put their ear up to the bathroom keyhole.

Q: Which is smaller, a violin or a viola?

A: They are actually the same size, but a violinist’s head is so much bigger.

12 – Step Internet Recovery Program:

1) I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Internet.

2) I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3) I will get dressed before noon.

4) I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Internet.

5) I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Internet – deprived.

6) I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Internet.

7) I will read a book…if I still remember how.

8) I will listen to those around me and their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Internet.

9) I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10) I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11) I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Internet.

12) Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime … and the Internet will always be there tomorrow!

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