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* At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burned out bulb in the string of Christmas lights.

* Choosing to buy flowers for your girlfriend or to spend the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma.

* Everyone else on the Alaskan Cruise is on deck gazing at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room.

* In college, you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure.

* The Salespeople at the local computer store can’t answer any of your questions.

* You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling.

* You bought your wife a new CD ROM drive for her birthday.

* You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie.

* You can type 70 words per minute but can’t read your own handwriting.

* You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.

* You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects.

* You have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.

* You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.

* You know what http:// stands for.

* You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids’ toys.

* You see a good design and still have to change it.

* You spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring.

* You still own a slide rule and you know how to use it.

* You think that when people around you yawn, it’s because they didn’t get enough sleep.

* You window shop at Radio Shack.

* You’re both in the backseat of your car, she’s looking wistfully at the moon, and you’re trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite.

* Your laptop computer costs more than your car.

* Your wife hasn’t the foggiest idea of what you do at work.

* You’ve already calculated how much you make per second.

* You’ve tried to repair a $5 radio.

After turning in from a four to eight watch the seaman overslept and missed muster. When questioned he said: “Due to my metabolic inability to cope with change I did not respond to external stimuli and remained in a comatose condition.”

The C.P.O., who didn’t understand a word, listened to this report with awe and sent the sailor to the psychiatrist.

Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A1: Just one, but it really gets screwed.
A2: One to prepare the proposal, an econometrician to run the model, one each MS and PhD students to write the theses and dissertations, two more to prepare the journal article (senior authorship not assigned), four to review it, and at least as many to refine the model and replicate the results.

Q: Why did the Navy switch to liquid soap?
A: It’s harder to pick up.

1. Any person with a valid Washington DC hunting license or a Federal Income Tax Return may harvest Democrats.
2. Taking of Democrats with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
3. Killing of Democrats with a vehicle is prohibited. If one is accidentally struck, remove the dead Democrat to side of the road and proceed to the nearest car wash.
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest Democrats from limousines, Mercedes Benz’s, the Metro, or Porsches.
5. It shall be unlawful to shout “pork barrel” or “free social programs” for the purpose of trapping Democrats.
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt Democrats within 100 feet of government buildings.
7. It shall be unlawful to use decision memos, draft legislation, conference reports, or RFP’s to attract Democrats.
8. It shall be unlawful to hunt Democrats within 200 feet of Senate or House hearing rooms, libraries, whorehouses, massage parlors, special interest group offices, bars, or strip joints.
9. If an Democrat is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it. It will also be a shame.
10. Stuffed or mounted Democrats must have a DC Health Department inspection certificate for rabies and vermin.
11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise him or her self as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female congressional aide, male congressional aide, sheep, legislator, policy maker, bookie, lobbyist, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting Democrats.

© 2015