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Q: What’s the difference between a dressmaker and an alto?
A: The dressmaker tucks up the frills.

1. Betty is tired of paying for clarinet reeds. If she adopts a policy of playing only on rejected reeds from her colleagues, will she be able to retire on the money she has saved if she invests it in mutual funds (yielding 8.7%) before she is fired from her job?

2. Jethro has been playing the double bass in a symphony orchestra for twelve years, three months, and seven days. Each day, his inclination to practice decreases by the equation: (Total days in the orchestra)=x .000976. Assuming that he stopped practicing altogether six months ago, how long will it be before he is completely unable to play the double bass?

3. Wilma plays in the second violin section but specializes in making disparaging remarks about conductors and other musicians. The probability of her making a negative comment is 4:7 for any given musician, and 16:17 for conductors. If there are 103 musicians in the orchestra and the orchestra sees 26 different conductors each year, how many negative comments does Wilma make in a two-year period? How does this change if five of the musicians are also conductors? What if six of the conductors are also musicians?

4. Horace is the General Manager of a symphony orchestra. He tries to hear at least four concerts a year. Assuming that at each concert the orchestra plays a minimum of three pieces, what are the chances that Horace can avoid hearing a single work by Mozart, Beethoven, or Brahms in the next ten years?

5. Susan plays in the viola section. Despite her best efforts she is unable to play with the rest of the orchestra and, on average, plays .35 seconds behind the rest of the viola section, which is already .16 seconds behind the rest of the orchestra. If the orchestra is moving into a new concert hall with a reverberation time of 2.7 seconds, will she be able to continue playing this way undetected?

6. Rosemary is unable to play in keys with more than three sharps without making an inordinate number of mistakes. Because her colleagues in the cello section are also struggling in these passages she has so far been able to escape detection. What is the total number of hours they would all have to practice to play the complete works of Richard Strauss?

7. Ralph loves to drink coffee. Each week he drinks three more cups of coffee than Harold, who drinks exactly one third the amount that the entire brass section consumes in beer. How much longer is Ralph going to live?

Did you hear Clinton is declaring a new National Bird?
The Spread Eagle.

Q: What do you get if you drop an organ on an army base?

A: A flat major.

There was this guy. He often went away on trips, far from home, Long trips. While this man was away on his trips, his wife would get very very dissatisfied. Thus, she cheated on him, but when he came back, she felt guilty, so she always told him. Well, after a while, the man got very frustrated with his wife’s adultry, so he went to an adult toy shop. He looked around, but saw nothing special.
The man knew he needed something special, so he decided to tell the salesclerk. “I need something really amazing for my wife. All I see here are normal toys.”
“Well, there is the voodoo dick, but I don’t want to sell you THAT.” replied the clerk.
“Let me see it anyway!” Answered the man.
The salesclerk took him into a room and pulled out a box. He opened the box, and inside was something that looked like a normal toy.
“That’s not special!” cried the man.
“Ah, but look. Voodoo dick, THE DOOR.” The dick in the box got up and began to hump the door.
“I’ll take that, but how do you get it to stop?”
The salesclerk sold him the voodoo dick, then, said simply “Voodoo dick? The box.”
So the man took voodoo dick back home to his wife and showed her how to get it to hump something. Then, he left for a trip.
The wife waited and waited and waited, but she couldn’t stand her urges. She took out the voodoo dick and said “voodoo dick? My…” well, we know what she said. So, it was the best she had ever known, and she kept at it for about 3 hours. Then, she wanted it out. She pulled and pulled, but in vain, for her husband had forgotten to tell her about the little box trick. Finally, she decided to go to the hospital to get it out. She drove kind of wacky, well, because there was something in her. Finally, a police man pulled her over for her driving.
“But… ” She told the police man of the voodoo dick, to get out of the ticket.
He laughed at her foolish story. “Voodoo dick my ass!” he cried…



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