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The Boston Globe reported today that Monica Lewinsky, depressed after the media comments about her figure, and wanting a new image, reported to a plastic surgeon for removal of her love handles. She emerged two days later with no ears.

Q: What’s the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and an average all-pro offensive lineman?
A: Stage makeup.

ABSOLUTION

While the Pope was in the States he decided to grant absolution to three sinners.

The first person to come up was Hugh Grant. The Pope asked, “What is your sin?”

“I cheated on my girlfriend and got caught.”

The Pope replied, “Kneel down. I’ll bless you and grant you absolution.”

Next in line was Bill Clinton. “What was your sin, son?”

“I cheated on my wife.” The Philanderer in Chief replied.

“Kneel down, my son. I’ll bless you and grant you absolution.”

A third person came up and the Pope asked, “What is your name?”

“Monica Lewinsky.”

The Pope stroked his chin. “Hmmmm. Perhaps you should remain standing . . . “

Did you hear about the snake that took Viagra and ended up as a walking stick?

They’ve discovered the secret ingredient in Viagra.
Fix-a-Flat!

Viagra has been a big boon to “stand up” comedians.

The man spent too much money on Viagra: Now, he’s hard up.

Viagra in chocolate bars – you eat it … she says, “Oh, Oh Henry!”

A bank sign in Dallas during this heat wave complains: “Who put Viagra in the thermometer?”

Bread with Viagra as an added ingredient is being marketed through a Boston bakery under the name “Pepperidge Firm.”

Have you tried the new hot beverage, Viagraccino? One cup and you’re up all night.

A guy said that he left his Viagra tablet in his shirt pocket when he sent it to the laundry. Now, his shirt is too stiff to wear.

Q: How many central bank economists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Just one – he holds the lightbulb and the whole earth revolves around him.



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