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Q: What do you call 8 nights of blow jobs?

A: Hannukah Lewinsky.

Q: How can you tell when a salesperson is lying?
A: His lips are moving

Q: What do you get when you cross a Jehova’s Witness with a Hell’s Angels motorcycle gang member?

A: Someone who comes to your door and tells YOU to fuck off!

Clinton died and went to heaven or to be more accurate, approached the Pearly Gates. After knocking at the gates, St. Peter appeared. “Who goes there?” inquired St. Peter.

“‘Tis I, your St. Peter, President Bill Clinton.”

“And what do you want?” asked St. Peter.

“Lemme in!” replied Clinton.

“Soooo,” pondered Peter. “What bad things did you do on earth?”

Clinton thought a bit and answered, “Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn’t hold that against me because I didn’t inhale. I guess I had extra-marital sex, but you shouldn’t hold that against me because I didn’t really have sexual relations. And I lied, but I didn’t commit perjury.”

After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, “OK, here’s the deal. We’ll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won’t call it ‘Hell.’ You’ll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won’t call it ‘eternity.’ And don’t ‘abandon all hope’ upon entering, just don’t hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over.”

Johnny is walking along and a priest is coming the other way.
Johnny says, “Hey, mister, why are you wearing your collar backwards?”
The priest says, “Because I’m a father.”
Johnny says, “Yeah? Well, my old man’s got three kids and he don’t wear his collar backwards.”
The priest says “You don’t understand, son. I have thousands of children.”
Johnny says, “You should wear your fuckin’ trousers backwards.”

© 2015