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Reporters interviewing a 104 year-old woman: “And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?” the reporter asked. “No peer pressure,” said the woman.

Q: Why did the nurse always insist on using the rectal thermometer to obtain temperatures?
A: She was taught in nursing school to always look for her patient’s best side.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, lawyers only screw us.

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in the Netherlands flag. “Our flag symbolizes our taxes,” he said. “We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue after we pay them.”

“That’s the same with us,” the American said, “only we see stars, too.”

Costello: Hey, Abbott!

Abbott: Yes, Lou?

Costello: I just got my first computer.

Abbott: That’s great Lou. What did you get?

Costello: A Pentium IV 1.4 Gig, with 512 Megs of RAM, a 21 Gig hard drive, and a 48X CD-ROM.

Abbott: That’s terrific, Lou.

Costello: But I don’t know what any of it means!!

Abbott: You will in time.

Costello: That’s exactly why I am here to see you.

Abbott: Oh?

Costello: I heard that you are a real computer expert.

Abbott: Well, I don’t know-

Costello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you’re going to train me.

Abbott: Really?

Costello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson.

Abbott: O.K. Lou. What do want to know?

Costello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off.

Abbott: That’s true.

Costello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I do?

Abbott: Well, first you press the Start button, and then-

Costello: No, I told you, I want to turn it off.

Abbott: I know, you press the Start button-

Costello: Wait a second. I want to turn it off. Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do.

Abbott: I did.

Costello: When?

Abbott: When I told you to press the Start button.

Costello: Why should I press the Start button?

Abbott: To shut off the computer.

Costello: I press Start to stop.

Abbott: Well Start doesn’t actually stop the computer.

Costello: I knew it! So what do I press.

Abbott: Start

Costello: Start what?

Abbott: Start button.

Costello: Start button to do what?

Abbott: Shut down.

Costello: You don’t have to get rude!

Abbott: No, no, no! That’s not what I meant.

Costello: Then say what you mean.

Abbott: To shut down the computer, press-

Costello: Don’t say, “Start!”

Abbott: Then what do you want me to say?

Costello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop.

Abbott: But that’s what you do.

Costello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights.

Abbott: Don’t be ridiculous.

Costello: I am being ridiculous? Well. I think it’s about time we started this conversation.

Abbott: What are you talking about?

Costello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye.



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