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Did you hear about the violist who bragged he could play 32nd notes?

The rest of the orchestra didn’t believe him, so he proved it by playing one.

What to the Nixon Whitehouse and the Clinton Whitehouse have in common?
Two Dicks out of control.

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and
civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control
tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an
aircraft asking, “What time is it?”

The tower responded, “Who is calling?”

The aircraft replied, “What difference does it make?”

The tower replied “It makes a lot of difference. If it is an
American Airlines Flight, it is 3 o’clock. If it is an Air Force,
it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is
an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand
is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it’s Thursday
afternoon.”

ALPHA – Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for “doesn’t work.”

BETA – Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it’s released. Beta is Latin for “still doesn’t work.”

BIT – A word used to describe computers, as in “Our daughter’s computer cost quite a bit.”

BOOT – What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skill.

BUG – What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny green computer screen for more than 15 minutes. Also: What computer magazine companies do to you after they get you on their mailing list.

CHIPS – The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.

COPY – What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time at your computer and not enough time studying.

CPU – Central propulsion unit. The CPU is the computer’s engine. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel that’s powered by a running rodent – a gerbil if the machine is a old machine, a ferret if it’s a Pentium and a ferret on speed if it’s a Pentium II.

CURSOR – What you turn into when you can’t get your computer to perform, as in “You %@& computer!”

DEFAULT DIRECTORY – Black hole. Default directory is where all files that you need disappear to.

DISK – What goes out of your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seven hours at a clip.

DUMP – The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install your computer.

ERROR – What you made when you first walked into a computer showroom “just to look.”

ERROR MESSAGE – Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for the program’s shortcomings.

EXPANSION UNIT – The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals.

FILE -
1. What a secretary can now do to her nails six and a half hours a day, now that the computer does her day’s work in 30 minutes.
2. A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name. It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet – except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.

FLOPPY – The condition of a constant computer user’s stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food (see “CHIPS”).

HARD DRIVE – What you want to do to your tower after it freezes or locks up for the 3rd time in a row … give it a good HARD DRIVE!

HARDWARE -
1. Tools, such as lawnmowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you haven’t laid a finger on since getting your computer.
2. Collective term for any computer-related object that can be kicked or battered.

HELP – What we all need. Actually, it is the feature that assists in generating more questions. When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning anything.

IBM – The kind of missile your family members and friends would like to drop on your computer so you’ll pay attention to them again.

INPUT/OUTPUT – Information is input from the keyboard as intelligible data and output to the printer as unrecognizable junk.

INTERIM RELEASE – A programmer’s feeble attempt at repentance.

MEMORY – Of computer components, the most generous in terms of variety, and the skimpiest in terms of quantity.

MENU – What you’ll never see again after buying a computer because you’ll be too poor to eat in a restaurant.

MONITOR – Often thought to be a word associated with computers, this word actually refers to those obnoxious kids who always want to see your hall pass at school.

PRINTER – A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

PROGRAMMERS – Computer avengers. Once members of that group of high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create “user-friendly” software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies.

PROGRAMS – Those things you used to look at on your television before you hooked your computer up to it.

RETURN – What lots of people do to their computers after only a week and a half.

TERMINAL – A place where you can find buses, trains and really good deals on hot computers.

WINDOW – What you heave the computer out of after you accidentally erase a program that took you three days to set up.

WINDOWS 95 – 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can’t stand 1 bit of competition.

A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where they made “Tickle Me Elmo dolls.” It was Friday and almost quitting time and hurriedly the boss told her to report for work on Monday. He quickly explained to her she would be stationed on the assembly line just before the dolls were packed into boxes.

On Monday they started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut it down because one worker couldn’t keep up. The boss went down the line to find the problem. The new employee was very busy trying to do her part but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her. Closer examination showed she was sewing little cloth bags containing two walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls.

The boss could not control his laughter and said, “Lady, I said to give each doll Two—-Test—-Tickles.”



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