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Former Vice President Quayle, Speaker of the House
Gingrich, and President Clinton are traveling in a
car together in Kansas. A tornado comes along and
whirls them up into the air and tosses them thousands
of yards away. They all fall into a daze.

When they come to and extract themselves from the
vehicle, they realize they’re in the fabled Land of Oz.

They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz. The
Wizard is known for granting people their wishes.

Quayle says, “I’m going to ask the Wizard for a brain.”
Gingrich responds, “I’m going to ask the Wizard for a heart.”
Clinton speaks up, “Where’s Dorothy?”

Q. What’s the definition of a quarter tone?

A: A bagpiper tuning his drones.

Q. What’s the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?

A: No one cries when you chop up an bagpipe.

* If it is all the same to you I won’t be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

* When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can’t get off the john, but I feel good about it.

* I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e * log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

* I can’t come in to work today because I’ll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

* I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet…

* I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

* Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won’t be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I’ll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

* Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

* I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

* The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won’t bite things when I am startled.

* The dog ate my car keys. We’re going to hitchhike to the vet.

* I prefer to remain an enigma.

* My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

* I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

* I can’t come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

* I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

* I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share.

Did you hear about the new soap opera?
Its called As the Cigar Turns.



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