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ALPHA – Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for “doesn’t work.”

BETA – Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it’s released. Beta is Latin for “still doesn’t work.”

BIT – A word used to describe computers, as in “Our daughter’s computer cost quite a bit.”

BOOT – What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skill.

BUG – What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny green computer screen for more than 15 minutes. Also: What computer magazine companies do to you after they get you on their mailing list.

CHIPS – The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.

COPY – What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time at your computer and not enough time studying.

CPU – Central propulsion unit. The CPU is the computer’s engine. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel that’s powered by a running rodent – a gerbil if the machine is a old machine, a ferret if it’s a Pentium and a ferret on speed if it’s a Pentium II.

CURSOR – What you turn into when you can’t get your computer to perform, as in “You %@& computer!”

DEFAULT DIRECTORY – Black hole. Default directory is where all files that you need disappear to.

DISK – What goes out of your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seven hours at a clip.

DUMP – The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install your computer.

ERROR – What you made when you first walked into a computer showroom “just to look.”

ERROR MESSAGE – Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for the program’s shortcomings.

EXPANSION UNIT – The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals.

1. What a secretary can now do to her nails six and a half hours a day, now that the computer does her day’s work in 30 minutes.
2. A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name. It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet – except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.

FLOPPY – The condition of a constant computer user’s stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food (see “CHIPS”).

HARD DRIVE – What you want to do to your tower after it freezes or locks up for the 3rd time in a row … give it a good HARD DRIVE!

1. Tools, such as lawnmowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you haven’t laid a finger on since getting your computer.
2. Collective term for any computer-related object that can be kicked or battered.

HELP – What we all need. Actually, it is the feature that assists in generating more questions. When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning anything.

IBM – The kind of missile your family members and friends would like to drop on your computer so you’ll pay attention to them again.

INPUT/OUTPUT – Information is input from the keyboard as intelligible data and output to the printer as unrecognizable junk.

INTERIM RELEASE – A programmer’s feeble attempt at repentance.

MEMORY – Of computer components, the most generous in terms of variety, and the skimpiest in terms of quantity.

MENU – What you’ll never see again after buying a computer because you’ll be too poor to eat in a restaurant.

MONITOR – Often thought to be a word associated with computers, this word actually refers to those obnoxious kids who always want to see your hall pass at school.

PRINTER – A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

PROGRAMMERS – Computer avengers. Once members of that group of high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create “user-friendly” software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies.

PROGRAMS – Those things you used to look at on your television before you hooked your computer up to it.

RETURN – What lots of people do to their computers after only a week and a half.

TERMINAL – A place where you can find buses, trains and really good deals on hot computers.

WINDOW – What you heave the computer out of after you accidentally erase a program that took you three days to set up.

WINDOWS 95 – 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can’t stand 1 bit of competition.

A very modest lady applied for a job at the factory where they made “Tickle Me Elmo dolls.” It was Friday and almost quitting time and hurriedly the boss told her to report for work on Monday. He quickly explained to her she would be stationed on the assembly line just before the dolls were packed into boxes.

On Monday they started up the line and within twenty minutes had to shut it down because one worker couldn’t keep up. The boss went down the line to find the problem. The new employee was very busy trying to do her part but she had a bunch of dolls waiting for her. Closer examination showed she was sewing little cloth bags containing two walnuts in the appropriate place on the dolls.

The boss could not control his laughter and said, “Lady, I said to give each doll Two—-Test—-Tickles.”

* These aren’t your father’s cigars … or your mother’s, for that matter.

* When’s the last time you had a good stiff Cuban?

* Because size really does matter.

* The bigger the hole, the bigger we roll.

* Available in small, medium, and donkey sizes.

* The “fun-to-put-in” carcinogen!

* New ribs for her pleasure. (oops.. that was for condoms)

* After a strokin’ it’s still good for smokin’.

* Long enough for a man, but made for a woman.

* Won’t leave a mess all over her dress!

* All the flavor of a fine Cuban cigar…with the pungent aroma of a tuna canning factory!

* These won’t go floppy in your mouth.

* The best thing you’ll ever find in a box.

* Melts in your mouth, not in her muff!

* Cigars… they’re not just for oral pleasure any more.

* Batteries not included.

George W. Bush was passing through an airplane terminal
and he noticed an old man in a long white robe, with a
long white beard, long white hair and carrying two stone
tablets in his arms. He approached the man and asked,
“Aren’t you Moses?” But the man wouldn’t listen to him
and continued walking. George asked him again, “Aren’t
you Moses?” The old man continued ignoring him, even
turning his back on little Bush. George grabs the man’s
arm, looks him right in the eye and insists, “Answer me
– Aren’t you Moses?” The man replies, “I’m not saying
shit! The last time I spoke to a Bush I ended up roaming
the desert for 40 years!”

Q: What’s the new press name for the latest Presidential scandal?

A: Fornigate.

© 2015