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If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, how many orchards does it take for a lawyer?

Q: Why do so many fishermen own banjos?

A: They make great anchors!

– When an argument starts, he calls for backup.

– Refers to the bedroom as “The Pokey.”

– Calls passing gas the “silent alarm.”

– Has a secret desire to see you in a Kevlar nightie.

– Lots of references to the “old night stick.”

– Never hear him say, “Oh man, not donuts again!”

– Refers to his pecker as the “Breathalyzer”

– Stops you during lovemaking to ask if you know how fast you were going.

– Handcuffs don’t turn him on anymore.

– Yes, that is a gun in his pocket!

One day, Mr. Phillard rushed his pregnant wife over to the hospital. As the doctors were prepping his wife, Mr. Phillard’s idiot brother Bill arrived to watch the birth. But when Mr. Phillard saw the blood and everything else, he fainted. When Mr. Phillard woke up he was in a bed with the doctor standing above him.
“Mr. Phillard,” the doctor said, “you are in the recovery room. Don’t worry, your wife is fine and she had twins, a boy and a girl. Because you were unconscious and your wife was still under anaesthesia, she requested that your brother Bill name the kids.”
“What! My brother, the idiot! I can’t believe you let him! What did he name them?”
“He named your daughter Denise.”
“Hey, not bad! I underestimated my brother. What did he name my son?”
“He named your son Denephew.”

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying “A dollar per point.” The next class the professor handed the graded tests back out. This student got back his test, his test grade, and $64 change.

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