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Q: What does the band now play when Clinton enters the room?
A: Kneel to the Chief!

* You think Central Park is “nature.”

* You’re paying $1,200 for a studio the size of a walk-in closet and you think it’s a “steal.”

* You’ve been to New Jersey twice and got hopelessly lost both times.

* You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the U.S. pay in rent.

* You go to dinner at 9 and head out to the clubs when most Americans are heading to bed.

* You have 27 different menus next to your telephone.

* Going to Brooklyn is considered a “road trip.”

* America west of the Hudson is still theoretical to you.

* You’re suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you.

* You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise.

* Your idea of personal space is no one actually standing on your toes.

* $50 worth of groceries fit in one paper bag.

* Your doorman is Russian, your grocer is Korean, your deli man is Israeli, your building super is Italian, your laundry guy is Chinese, your favorite bartender is Irish, your favorite diner owner is Greek, the watch seller on your corner is Senegalese, your last cabbie was Pakistani, your newsstand guy is Indian and your favorite falafel guy is Egyptian.

* You say “the city” and expect everyone to know that it means Manhattan.

* You secretly envy cabbies for their driving skills.

* You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.

* You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park at 3:30 on the Friday before a long weekend, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.

* Hookers and the homeless are invisible.

* The subway makes sense.

* The subway should never be called anything prissy, like the Metro.

* You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.

* You think $7.00 to cross a bridge is a fair price.

* You’ve considered stabbing someone just for saying “The Big Apple.”

* Your door has more than three locks.

* You go to a hockey game for the fighting. In the stands. To participate.

* Your favorite movie has DeNiro in it.

* The most frequently used part of your car is the horn.

* You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.

* You call an 8′ x 10′ plot of patchy grass a yard. You complain about having to mow it.

* You are a skee-ball juggernaut.

* You consider Westchester “Upstate.”

* You cried the day Mayor Ed Koch took over for Judge Wapner.

* You run when you see a flashing “Do Not Walk” sign at the intersection.

Q: How does the LAPD play poker?
A: Four clubs beat a king.

Clinton gives the term “going abroad” a whole new meaning.

How do you get a rhythm guitarist to play softer?

Give him music to read.

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