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Q. What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
A: Nothing. There are some things a pig won’t do.

A Hornplayer is fishing. Suddenly he catches a Fish! But the fish says to the hornplayer: “If you let me go, I will tell you two important things about your future, I have good news and I have bad news for you.”

“That’s a deal”, the horn-player says.

“Well, the good news is, when you are going to die, you will play 2nd horn in heaven, next to Buyanovski!”

“Woooooow!!” the hornplayer screams, “that’s great!”

“Yeah,” the fish says, “but the bad news is that you will have to start tomorrow!”

* Lower corner of screen has the words “Etch-a-sketch” on it.

* It’s celebrity spokesman is that “Hey Vern!” guy.

* In order to start it you need some jumper cables and a friend’s car.

* It’s slogan is “Pentium: redefining mathematics”.

* The “quick reference” manual is 120 pages long.

* Whenever you turn it on, all the dogs in your neighborhood start howling.

* The screen often displays the message, “Ain’t it break time yet?”

* The manual contains only one sentence: “Good Luck!”

* The only chip inside is a Dorito.

* You’ve decided that your computer is an excellent addition to your fabulous paperweight collection.

Q: Why do Economists provide estimates of inflation to the nearest tenth of a percent?

A: To prove they have a sense of humour.

A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a BUMP… BUMP… BUMP… behind him. Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him … BUMP… ….BUMP… ….BUMP…

Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him … faster… faster… BUMP… BUMP… BUMP. He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping … clappity-BUMP… clappity-BUMP… clappity-BUMP… on the heels of the terrified man.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in.

His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps. With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him. The man screams and reaches for something, anything … but all he can find is a bottle of cough syrup!

Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the coffin …

…. and of course … the coffin stops!

© 2015