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Q. What’s the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe?

A: You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner’s neighbors are upset if you borrow the lawnmower and don’t return it.

Q: You’re driving down a road and see your director and an actor crossing the street in front of you. Which one do
you hit first, and why?
A: Your director – business before pleasure.

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.
So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.”
“My darling,” he replied, “think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”


Tipper: “How does it feel to be the big man, Hon?”

Al: “Well Tip, it took 17 lawsuits and 18 months of election recounts, but I’d do it all again.”


Mr. Bush, repeat after me. I do solemnly swear

- “I do solemonemoney swear…”

- that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States

- “… that I will fatally execute the official President of the United States…”

- and will to the best of my ability

- “… and will to the best of my abli-tilly …”

- preserve, protect and defend the Constitution of the United States

- “… preservect defenestrate the United … the Constitual … the … um … of America.”

- So help me God.

- “So help me. So help my dog. Oh, God, is it over?”

Salesman: This computer will cut your workload by 50%.
Office Manager: That’s great, I’ll take two of them.

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