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All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

“I should be in charge,” said the brain, “Because I run all the body’s systems, so without me nothing would happen.”

“I should be in charge,” said the blood, “Because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you’d all waste away.”

“I should be in charge,” said the stomach, “Because I process food and give all of your energy.”

“I should be in charge!” demanded the rectum, “Because I’m responsible for waste removal.”

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in and all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral Of The Story: You don’t have to be smart or important to be in charge… just an asshole!!

* I won’t be in today. I’m still drunk from last night.

* My car ran out of gas on the way to work. I was pushing it to a gas station and I got a stomach hernia and I have to go to the doctors.

* I have a bit of a problem. I got the end of a Q-tip stuck in my ear and have to go to the doctors to get it out.

* I can’t come to work today because the city is paving my street and I can’t get out.

* I am sorry but I will be unable to come in to work today. My agoraphobia (fear of leaving the house) is kicking in and I am afraid to drive today.

* Can’t come in today, the springs on the garage door broke and I can’t get the car out cause the door won’t open.

* Sorry Boss I can’t come into work today…my spirit guide says work is for losers!

* There has been an urgent family emergency, which I can’t talk about lest I endanger any innocent bystanders.

* I can’t come into work today because of eye trouble…. I can’t see working today.

* I can’t come in to work today because I’ll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

* When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac. I can’t get off the john, but I feel good about it.

* My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

* I can’t come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

* I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

* I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

* If it is all the same to you I won’t be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

* My stigmata’s acting up.

* I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet….

* I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

* Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won’t be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I’ll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

* Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

* The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won’t bite things when I am startled.

* The dog ate my car keys. We’re going to hitchhike to the vet.

* I prefer to remain an enigma.

* I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly elog (pi) on all the clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

* Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Falcons, huh? So I won’t be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I’ll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

* I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t come to work, knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

Have to write a letter of recommendation for that fired employee?

Here are a few suggested phrases…

For the chronically absent:

“A man like him is hard to find.”
“It seemed her career was just taking off.”

For the office drunk:

“I feel his real talent is wasted here.”
“We generally found him loaded with work to do.”
“Every hour with him was a happy hour.”

For an employee with no ambition:

“He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in.”
“You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you.”

For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:

“I can assure you that no person would be better for the job.”

For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:

“I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment.”
“All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly.”

For a stupid employee:

“There is nothing you can teach a man like him.”
“I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever.”

For a dishonest employee:

“Her true ability was deceiving.”
“He’s an unbelievable worker.”

Due to the current financial status of the company, all employees are encouraged to adopt the following cost cutting measures.

LODGING – All employees are encouraged to stay with relatives and friends while on business travel. If weather permits, public areas such as parks should be used as temporary lodging sites. Bus terminals, train stations, and office lobbies may provide shelter in periods of inclement weather.

TRANSPORTATION – Hitchhiking is the preferred mode of travel in lieu of commercial transport. Luminescent safety vests will be issued to all employees prior to their departure on business trips. Bus transportation will be used only when work schedules require such travel. Airline tickets will be authorized in extreme circumstances and the lowest fares will be used. For example, if a meeting is scheduled in Seattle, but the lower fare can be obtained by traveling to Detroit, then travel to Detroit will be substituted for travel to Seattle.

MEALS – Expenditures for meals will be limited to an absolute minimum. It should be noted that certain grocery and specialty chains, such as Hickory Farms, General Nutrition centers, and, Costco, Sams stores etc. often provide free samples of promotional items. Entire meals can be obtained in this manner. Travelers should also be familiar with indigenous roots, berries, and other protein sources available at their destinations. If restaurants must be utilized, travelers should use “all you can eat” salad bars. This is especially effective for employees traveling together as one plate can be used to feed the entire group. Employees are also encouraged to bring their own food on business travel. Cans of tuna fish, Spam, and Beefaroni can be consumed at your leisure without the necessary bother of heating or costly preparation.

MISCELLANEOUS – All employees are encouraged to devise innovative techniques in effort to save company dollars. One enterprising individual has already suggested that money could be raised during airport layover periods which could be used to defray travel expenses. In support of this idea, red caps will be issued to all employees prior to their departure so that they may earn tips by helping others with their luggage. Small plastic roses and ball point pens will also be available to employees so that sales may be made as time permits.

Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We’ve formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and figure out what, exactly, we as
supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.



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