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Start with a cage containing five apes.

In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water. After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result – all the apes are sprayed with cold water. This continues through several more attempts.

Pretty soon, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes all try to prevent it. Now, turn off the cold water. Remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.

After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes, which have been sprayed with cold water, have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not? Because that’s the way they’ve always done it and that’s the way it’s always been around here.

And that’s how company policy begins….

“Competitive Salary” – We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

“Join Our Fast Paced Company” – We have no time to train you.

“Casual Work Atmosphere” – We don’t pay enough to expect that you will dress up.

“Must be Deadline Oriented” – You will be six months behind schedule on your first day.

“Some Overtime Required” – Some time each night, some time each weekend.

“Duties will Vary” – Anyone in the office can boss you around.

“Must have an Eye for Detail” – We have no quality control.

“Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience” – You will need to replace three people who just left.

“Problem Solving Skills a Must” – You are walking into a company in perpetual chaos. Haven’t heard a word from anyone out there. Your first task is to find out what is going on.

“Requires Team Leadership Skills” – You will have the responsibilities of a manager without the pay or respect.

“Good Communication Skills” – Management communicates poorly, so you have to figure out what they want and do it.

* How about never? Is never good for you?

* I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

* Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

* I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

* Ahhh…I see the f*ck-up fairy has visited us again.

* I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

* The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.

* I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

* Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

* I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

* What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

* I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.

* Thank you.We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

* It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.

* Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

* No, my powers can only be used for good.

* I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

* You sound reasonable. Time to up my medication.

* Are you a damn ray of sunshine every day?

* I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.

* I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

* I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.

* Who me? I just wander from room to room.

* My toys! My toys! I can’t do this job without my toys!

* It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.

* At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

* I won’t be in today. I’m still drunk from last night.

* My car ran out of gas on the way to work. I was pushing it to a gas station and I got a stomach hernia and I have to go to the doctors.

* I have a bit of a problem. I got the end of a Q-tip stuck in my ear and have to go to the doctors to get it out.

* I can’t come to work today because the city is paving my street and I can’t get out.

* I am sorry but I will be unable to come in to work today. My agoraphobia (fear of leaving the house) is kicking in and I am afraid to drive today.

* Can’t come in today, the springs on the garage door broke and I can’t get the car out cause the door won’t open.

* Sorry Boss I can’t come into work today…my spirit guide says work is for losers!

* There has been an urgent family emergency, which I can’t talk about lest I endanger any innocent bystanders.

* I can’t come into work today because of eye trouble…. I can’t see working today.

* I can’t come in to work today because I’ll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?

* When I got up this morning, I took two Ex-lax in addition to my Prozac. I can’t get off the john, but I feel good about it.

* My mother-in-law has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

* I can’t come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

* I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

* I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

* If it is all the same to you I won’t be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

* My stigmata’s acting up.

* I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet….

* I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

* Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won’t be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I’ll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

* Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

* The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won’t bite things when I am startled.

* The dog ate my car keys. We’re going to hitchhike to the vet.

* I prefer to remain an enigma.

* I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly elog (pi) on all the clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

* Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Falcons, huh? So I won’t be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I’ll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

* I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn’t come to work, knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the group have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated.
We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers, therefore, a list of “TRY SAYING” new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

SO:

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: When the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I’m certain that is not feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way!!

TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You’ve got to be shitting me?

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with…
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING: Of course I’m concerned.
INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a shit.

TRY SAYING: I wasn’t involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It’s not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING: That’s interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?!?!

TRY SAYING: I’m not sure I can implement this.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, it won’t work.

TRY SAYING: I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn’t you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell cares?

TRY SAYING: He’s not familiar with the problem.
INSTEAD OF: He’s hasn’t got a fucking clue.

TRY SAYING: Excuse me sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die motherfucker.

TRY SAYING: So you weren’t happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Sucked in fuckwit.

TRY SAYING: I’m a bit overloaded at this moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I’m on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don’t think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass!

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.

TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF: Another fucking meeting!!!

TRY SAYING: I don’t think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF: I really don’t give a shit.

TRY SAYING: He’s somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He’s a fucking prick.

TRY SAYING: She’s an aggressive go getter.
INSTEAD OF: She’s a ball busting bitch.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don’t know what the fuck you’re doing.



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