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I love my Job, I love the Pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my Boss; he’s the best!
I love his boss and all the rest.

I love my Office and its location
I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and gray,
And the paper that piles up every day!

I love my chair in my padded Cell!
There’s nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my Peers –
I love their leers and jeers and sneers.

I love my Computer and all its Software;
I hug it often though it doesn’t care…
I love each Program and every File,
I try to understand once in a while!

I’m happy to be here, I am I am;
I’m the happiest Slave of my uncle Sam.
I love this Work: I love these Chores.
I love the Meetings with deadly Bores.

I love my Job – I’ll say it again –
I even love these friendly Men –
These men who’ve come to visit today
In lovely white coats to take me away!

Employee Name _______________ Date of Review __________________

1.____ The son of a bitch really knows his shit
2.____ Knows only enough to be dangerous
3.____ Only half a brain and is dangerous
4.____ Brain damaged. His coffee cup has higher I.Q.

1.____ Does excellent work is not preoccupied with women
2.____ Pretty good; only occasionally blows it out his ass
3.____ Has to take his shoes off to count higher than ten
4.____ Couldn’t count his balls and get the same number twice

1.____ Extremely cooperative (Kisses ass frequently)
2.____ Brown noser in poor standing
3.____ Often pisses off co-workers; thinks it’s his job
4.____ Doesn’t give a shit, never did, never will

1.____ Really a dependable little cocksucker
2.____ Can rely on him at evaluation time
3.____ Can rely on him to be the first one out the fucking door
4.____ Totally worthless

1.____ Extremely neat; even combs his pubic hair
2.____ Looks great at evaluation time
3.____ Dirty, filthy, smelly son of a bitch
4.____ Flies leave fresh dog shit to follow him

1.____ Goes like a son of a bitch, if there is money in it for him
2.____ Does Ok around evaluation time
3.____ Works only if kicked in the ass every two minutes
4.____ Couldn’t do less work if he were in a coma

1.____ Carries chain saw and gets good results
2.____ Occasionally gets told to get screwed
3.____ Mother Theresa tells him to get screwed
4.____ Couldn’t lead a pack of hungry wolves to meat

I understand I have been evaluated and know my rights under the Privacy Act of 1969. I further acknowledge I am as screwed up as a football bat and will attempt to correct my deficiencies.

EMPLOYEE SIGNATURE ________________________

MANAGER SIGNATURE ________________________

A woman works in an office setting. Every morning a man she works with comes in and sticks his nose in her hair, backs away and exclaims, “Boy, your hair smells GREAT!”

This became a regular occurrence, and began to annoy the woman. Day after day this went on. Finally she decided to report him to the Director of Human resources. She said to him, “I would like to file a sexual harassment charge!”

“What do you base this on?” replied the HR Manager.

“Well, you see, every morning a man I work with comes in and sticks his nose in my hair, backs away and exclaims ‘Boy, your hair smells GREAT!'”

“I’m afraid that this doesn’t sound like much of a case,” said the HR.

“Well, would it bolster my case if you knew the guy was a midget?” retorted the woman.

Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him.

“What’s the story this time, Jones?” he asked sarcastically. “Let’s hear a good excuse for a change.”

Jones sighed, “Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river — look, my suit’s still damp — ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson’s helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes.”

“You’ll have to do better than that, Jones,” said the boss, obviously disappointed. “No woman can get ready in ten minutes.”

Generally, this will not be a concern until you are promoted to an executive position. But once you’ve created the illusion that you serve even the slightest purpose at your place of “business,” there’s no telling how far you’ll go. In the real working world, productivity is all a matter of appearances.

Appearance: You are furiously taking notes while conducting an important telephone marketing survey.
Reality: You are pretending to take notes while talking to your friend who has called collect from Bulgaria.

Appearance: You are on the phone with a client in New York and you have said, “Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now’s a great time to buy, I tell ya!”
Reality: You are on the phone with a friend in Guam and you have said, “Yeah, this job is terrible, and my boss is such a pushy whining… Yes sirree! That stock is about to shoot through the roof, now’s a great time to buy, I tell ya!”

Appearance: You are at your computer writing a serious business memorandum to your department supervisior.
Reality: You are at your computer telling dead-baby jokes to your e-mail correspondent in Namibia.

Appearance: You are urgently plugging numbers into a complicated spreadsheet.
Reality: You are playing Tetris.

Appearance: You are tapping away on calculator keys, helping out the accounting department.
Reality: You are paying your electric bill.

Appearance: You are reading the DOS manual.
Reality: You are reading the TV guide you placed in the DOS manual.

Appearance: You are staring at an empty computer screen, absorbed in deep thought.
Reality: You have pressed “Escape” just in time, erasing a MacDraw portrait entitled “Supervisor with Pitchfork Wound Clinging to a Cliff”

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