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* I need to whip it out by 5:00.

* Mind if I use your laptop?

* Just stick it in my box.

* If I have to lick one more, I’ll gag!

* I want it on my desk NOW!

* HHMMMMM….I think it’s out of fluid.

* My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish.

* It’s an entry level position.

* When do you think you’ll be getting off today?

* It’s not fair… I do all the work while he just sits there.

The boss said to his four of his employees, “I’m really sorry, but I’m going to have to let one of you go.”

Black employee: “I’m a protected minority.

Female employee: “And I’m a woman.”

Oldest employee: “Fire me, buster, and I’ll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it’ll make your head spin.”

To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: “I think I might be gay!”

As the end of the day drew near, the handsome executive called his newly hired assistant into his office. “Do you know what time we quit around here?” he asked.

“Sure!” the girl nervously giggled. “Whenever somebody knocks on the door.”

To: All Employees
From: Human Resources
RE: Layoffs

As a result of the reduction of money for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of the younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place.

This phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with the upper management.

This is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedures, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel’s Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment) unless he/she already has AIDS (Additional Income From Dependents or Spouse). After getting HERPES or CLAP employee’s will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). This company takes pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area.

If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.


H. R. Department

In the beginning, God’s alarm clock went off at 7:00 a.m. God got out of bed, said, “I hate Mondays!” Then he created the heavens and the earth.

God said, “Let there be light!” and there was light, and God saw that it was good. And God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And that was Tuesday.

And God said, “Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let dry land appear,” and it was so. And because he had some time before quitting time and he had to look busy, God added some grass and trees and stuff. That was Wednesday, and God was glad to be past Hump day.

On Thursday, God was already thinking about what he was going to do that weekend, so he didn’t get much done, just some lights in the heavens to rule the seasons, and a few stars.

And God said, “Thank Me it’s Friday!” He created great whales, and every living creature that moveth, which the waters brought forth abundantly, after their kind, and every winged fowl after his kind. And God saw that it was 3:30 so he said, “That’s good enough,” and he was out of there.

On Saturday God had to do some work he brought home from the office, so he threw together some beasts of the earth, and cattle, and everything that creepeth upon the earth, and as an afterthought created a creature in his own image and put him in charge of the other things, so God would be on time to his scheduled tennis game.

Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all the host of them.

And on the seventh day, God wanted to rest but there was a lot of yard work to do, and and then a football game to watch, so the weekend was blown and the next day it would back to the same old grind.

© 2015