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14. Your coffee stays hot all day!

13. Never have to look very far to find the legal department.

12. In Hell, you *know* who drank your Coke in the fridge — Satan!

11. 30% fewer “Dilbert” cartoons in the break room.

10. In Hell, that devil-may-care attitude of yours comes in handy.

9. You get to spend more time with your spouse now.

8. No more wondering if the boss hates you.

7. Riding to work in a handbasket beats the hell out of public transportation.

6. Hourly dunks in searing pools of molten lava actually quite invigorating.

5. Surfing porno sites all day scores *major* points with the boss!

4. Your office: One free stale donut every Friday. Hell: One brutal mutilation of a “Full House” cast member every Friday.

3. Your job: Suit and tie. Hell: Pitchforks and attitude, Baby!

2. Ferocious reptilian demons can appreciate a good dirty joke now and then without threatening a sexual harassment complaint.

1. Microwave popcorn — without leaving your cubicle!

To: All Employees
From: Human Resources
RE: Layoffs

As a result of the reduction of money for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of the younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place.

This phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with the upper management.

This is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedures, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel’s Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment) unless he/she already has AIDS (Additional Income From Dependents or Spouse). After getting HERPES or CLAP employee’s will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). This company takes pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area.

If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.


H. R. Department

The boss said to his four of his employees, “I’m really sorry, but I’m going to have to let one of you go.”

Black employee: “I’m a protected minority.

Female employee: “And I’m a woman.”

Oldest employee: “Fire me, buster, and I’ll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it’ll make your head spin.”

To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds: “I think I might be gay!”

She has a hard time alphabetizing a bag of M&M’s.

She doesn’t get the hang of Post-it Notes.

You have to frequently scrape White-Out off her computer monitor.

At the board meeting for which she is recording the minutes, she stops the proceedings to ask, “What did fatso say?”

Your customers come around only during her lunch period; they peek around the door asking, “Is the coast clear?”

When she gets low on typing paper she asks you what to do; you tell her to use copy paper. She then takes a blank piece of typing paper and puts it into the copy machine and makes 10 copies.

She rolls her hosiery to just below the knee and keeps it there by tying it in a knot.

The Ringling Brothers Clown College announces that she has won a prize for her original make-up.

She tries to fax chocolate chip cookies to her daughter in college.

She staples her thumbs together more frequently than once a week.

Types 60 words per minute…….but not in English.

She wears White-Out for nail polish.

Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees–always willing to work overtime and go the extra mile when needed. Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn’t making enough money to warrant two employees; he would have to lay one off.

But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off. So, he sits in his office and watches them work.

Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with.

Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, “Sarah, I’m going to have to lay you or Jack off.”

And Sarah says, “Can you jack off? I have a headache.”

© 2015