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Astrology tells us about people and their future by their time, date and location of birth. The Chinese Zodiac uses the year of a person’s birth. Demographics tell us what others like, dislike, whom they voted for, as well as what they buy and what they watch on television. The Corporate Zodiac goes a step further: simply by an individual’s job title, people can pretty much learn about an employee’s hidden personality traits.

You are ambitious, yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing – which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

Laziest of all the Corporate Signs, often referred to as a “marketer without a degree”. You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid all contact with customers so you can “concentrate on the big picture”. You seek admiration for your golf game, clothes, car and sex appeal throughout your career.

Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As a child very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play “Customer Service”. Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.

Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Typically you went to a trade school because you didn’t have time for all that “crap” required in college. Often, even you don’t understand what the hell you’re saying, but no one else except the engineers knows anyway. It is written that the Geeks shall inherit the Earth, but the Senior Managers keep contesting the will.

One of only two signs that actually studied in school, it is said that sixty percent of all the people on the Internet are either engineers, or wish they were one. You can be happy with yourself and the latest technology in your field. Your office is typically full of all the latest gadgets, catalogues and half finished spec sheets.

The only other sign that studied in school, you are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of your co-workers are convinced that you are completely without feeling or emotion. You are often caught in the Rest Room, practicing your frown in the mirror.

Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch, and mail a letter ! Your favorite expression is: “Now don’t say anything, but…”

Catty, cut-throat, and ambitious, but… you are probably destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life unless a Senior Manager dies or retires. You tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself and the number of subordinates you can con into sleeping with you. Best suited to date/marry other Middle Managers, as everyone in your social circle must be at least a Middle Manager for appearance’s sake.

You enjoy appearing to be the ultimate authority figure but actually, you are completely spineless, and determined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life, unless the head of your organization dies or retires. Unable to make a single decision, you tend to measure your worth by the number of Mid-Level Managers you can harass on any given day and insure that your office is the largest in the building. Best suited to date/marry other Senior Managers, as everyone in your social circle is a Senior Manager; besides, no one else would have you anyway.

This notice was found in a London office building. It was dated 1852.

1. This firm has reduced the hours of work, and the clerical staff will now only have to be present between the hours of 6 a.m. and 7 p.m.weekdays.

2. Clothing must be of sober nature. The clerical staff will not disport themselves in raiment of bright colors, nor will they wear hose unless in good repair.

3. Overshoes and topcoats may not be worn in the office, but neck scarves and headwear may be worn in inclement weather.

4. A stove is provided for the benefit of the clerical staff. Coal and wood must be kept in the locker. It is recommended that each member of the clerical staff bring four pounds of coal each day during the cold weather.

5. No member of the clerical staff may leave the room without permission from the supervisor.

6. No talking is allowed during business hours.

7. The craving for tobacco, wine, or spirits is a human weakness, and as such is forbidden to all members of the clerical staff.

8. Now that the hours of business have been drastically reduced, the partaking of food is allowed between 11:30 and noon, but work will not on any account cease!!

9. Members of the clerical staff will provide their own pens. A new sharpener is available on application to the supervisor.

10. The supervisor will nominate a senior clerk to be responsible for the cleanliness of the main office and the supervisor’s private office. All boys and juniors will report to him 40 minutes before prayers and will remain after closing hours for similar work. Brushes, brooms, scrubbers, and soap are provided by the owners.

11. The owners recognize the generosity of the new labor laws, but will expect a great rise in output of work to compensate for these near Utopian conditions.

* A “baby monitor.” Makes those closed door meetings easier to hear.

* A pregnancy test kit with a positive result and an unsigned note saying: I told you that damn condom ripped.

* Put a piece of tape on the underside of his mouse. That way the ball doesn’t roll and it will take the jerk and the IS department all day to figure it out.

* 32 beepers, all stashed in different places. (Borrow them from managers who are forced to wear them 24 hours a day.) Page a different beeper every 15 minutes. This works especially well if you also switch his morning decaf with espresso.

* First, simply hide pot seeds and watch as your clueless boss waters and nurtures the plants daily. Second, watch as escorted out of the building three months later by security.

* Thong, lace bra the morning after the company Christmas party.

* Nonchalantly drop lingerie and then kick it under the front of his desk (where he can’t see it, but visitors can) early in the morning before an important meeting. Then, during the meeting, stare quizzically at the floor under his desk.

* A memo from Accounting Department requesting a meeting to review his recent purchases on the company credit card?

* An open and empty condom wrapper.

* A stained dress.

1. You’re so tired you now answer the phone “hell”
2. Your best friend calls to ask how you’ve been and you immediately scream “Get off by back, WITCH!”
3. Your garbage can is your “IN” box
4. You wake up to discover that your bed is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don’t care
5. You have so much on your mind that you’ve forgotten how to pee
6. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday
7. You sleep more at work than you do at home
8. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your briefcase
9. Your day-timer exploded a week ago
10. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now

One of those discount airlines recently had a promotion where they offered free air-fare to wives who accompanied their husbands on a business trip. Seeking some valuable testimonials, the PR unit of the airline sent out letters to the wives who took advantage of the offer.
I understand both written and telephoned responses are still flooding their offices asking, “What trip?”

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