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Jones came into the office an hour late for the third time in one week and found the boss waiting for him.

“What’s the story this time, Jones?” he asked sarcastically. “Let’s hear a good excuse for a change.”

Jones sighed, “Everything went wrong this morning, Boss. The wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes, but then the drawbridge got stuck. Rather than let you down, I swam across the river — look, my suit’s still damp — ran out to the airport, got a ride on Mr. Thompson’s helicopter, landed on top of Radio City Music Hall, and was carried here piggyback by one of the Rockettes.”

“You’ll have to do better than that, Jones,” said the boss, obviously disappointed. “No woman can get ready in ten minutes.”

10. Day one: Start an official sounding rumor about your boss being considered for a big promotion. Day two: Spread a rumor that the promotion involves your boss heading up a new facility in Bosnia.

9. Whenever a co-worker asks if you want coffee, say, “No thanks, it doesn’t mix well with thorazine.”

8. Attach 10 or so bottles of white-out to the inside of your suit jacket. Every time you pass a co-worker, surreptitiously open your jacket and whisper, “I got white-out here; three bucks a pop; good quality stuff; who needs white-out?”

7. Bring several large mason jars to work and fill them part way with water and yellow food coloring; display them conspicuously around your work space. Tell anyone who asks about them that you are just taking part in an efficiency study that your boss came up with to cut down on the time employees spend away from their desks.

6. Tell your boss that you intend to spread out your vacation time by taking off one minute out of every 25. Spend all your time planning your vacations.

5. Secretly replace the coffee your boss usually drinks with new Folger’s Crystals.

4. Keep a tally of what your boss wears on ‘casual’ Friday. when you see a pattern develop, distribute the tally to co-workers and start a weekly pool.

3. Dress like a pirate for the office Halloween party. Dress like a pirate every other day of the year as well.

2. Sign up your boss as a volunteer for Junior Achievement, Save The Children Foundation, Keep America Beautiful, the local branch of the Seventh Day Adventist Church, UNICEF, Hands Across America, Points of Light Foundation, and the kicker, AARP.

1. Show up hung-over, leave drunk.

Have to write a letter of recommendation for that fired employee?

Here are a few suggested phrases…

For the chronically absent:

“A man like him is hard to find.”
“It seemed her career was just taking off.”

For the office drunk:

“I feel his real talent is wasted here.”
“We generally found him loaded with work to do.”
“Every hour with him was a happy hour.”

For an employee with no ambition:

“He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in.”
“You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you.”

For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:

“I can assure you that no person would be better for the job.”

For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:

“I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment.”
“All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly.”

For a stupid employee:

“There is nothing you can teach a man like him.”
“I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever.”

For a dishonest employee:

“Her true ability was deceiving.”
“He’s an unbelievable worker.”

Streaking will be permitted as follows: Female employees will streak on odd days – males on even days. On payday, all employees may streak, subject to the following:

1. Girls who have tattoos on the lower half of their bodies, such as ‘sock if to me’ or ‘what you see is what you get’ will not be permitted to streak, due to inspection regulations.

2. Men with tattoos, such as ‘let it all hang out’ will not be permitted to streak. Also, men with tattoos of butterflies, roses, or elves will streak with females.

3. Girls with bust size larger than 36B must wear a bra while in file area, or around any Xerox machines. Girls smaller than 36B should not try to impress people by wearing a bra.

4. If you streak in any area where food is served, you must wear two hair nets. These will be available in the vending machine by the cafeteria.

5. In the event your physical make-up is such your sex cannot be determined, such as flat chest for girls, or long hair on boys, you must wear a tag stating ‘I am a boy’ or ‘I am a girl’. Tags will be attached on girls with hair pin or paper clip, on boys with rubberband. Please return paper clips and rubber bands to stationary supplies after you finish streaking.

6. Girls may wear jewelry while streaking, but in no event should they bend over to retrieve it should it fall (Due to insurance regulations).

7. No female beyond her seventh month of pregnancy, or those wishing to become pregnant, may streak.

8. No mixed streaking in dark hallways, broom closets, or under desks.

Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees–always willing to work overtime and go the extra mile when needed. Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn’t making enough money to warrant two employees; he would have to lay one off.

But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off. So, he sits in his office and watches them work.

Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with.

Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, “Sarah, I’m going to have to lay you or Jack off.”

And Sarah says, “Can you jack off? I have a headache.”

© 2015