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A guy works at a new job on Thursday and Friday. On Monday he calls in and says, “I can’t come in today. I’m sick.” He worked the rest of the week, but the following Monday he calls in and says, “I can’t come in today. I’m sick.”

The boss asks the foreman about him, and the foreman says, “He’s great. He does the work of two men. We need him.”

So the boss calls the guy into his office, and says, “You seem to have a problem getting to work on Mondays. You’re a good worker and I’d hate to fire you. What’s the problem? Anything we can help you with? Drugs? Alcohol?”

The guy says, “No, I don’t drink or do drugs. But my brother-in-law drinks every weekend, and then beats on my sister. So every Monday morning, I go over to make sure she’s all right. She puts her head on my shoulder and cries, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, I’m screwing her.”

The boss says, “You screw your sister?”

The guy says, “Hey, I told you I was sick.”

The family picture is on His desk – Ah, a solid, responsible family man.
The family picture is on Her desk – Um, her family will come before her career.

His desk is cluttered – He’s obviously a hard worker and a busy man.
Her desk is cluttered – She’s obviously a disorganized scatterbrain.

He is talking with his co-workers – He must be discussing the latest deal.
She is talking with her co-workers – She must be gossiping.

He’s not in the office – He’s meeting a customer.
She’s not in the office – She must be out shopping.

He’s having lunch with the boss – He’s on his way up.
She’s having lunch with the boss – They must be having an affair.

The boss criticized Him – He’ll improve his performance.
The boss criticized Her – She’ll be very upset.

He got an unfair deal – Did he get angry?
She got an unfair deal – Did she cry?

He’s getting married – He’ll get more settled.
She’s getting married – She’ll get pregnant and leave.

He’s having a baby – He’ll need a raise.
She’s having a baby – She’ll cost the company money in maternity benefits.

He’s going on a business trip – It’s good for his career.
She’s going on a business trip – What does her husband say?

He’s leaving for a better job – He knows how to recognize a good opportunity.
She’s leaving for a better job – Women are not dependable.

After the annual office party blow-out, Colin woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
“Louise,” he moaned, “Tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?”
“Even worse,” she assured him, voice dripping with scorn.
“You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire senior management and insulted the Regional Director General to his face.”
“He’s an asshole. I should have pissed on him.”
“You did,” Louise informed him. “And he fired you.”
“Well, screw him!” yelled Colin.
“I did. You’re back at work on Monday.”

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.
On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown.

The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife’s wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially the new
acquisition was no problem, but one morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. “Ed! the garbage disposal is dead. Come reset it.”

You know where the button is.” I protested through the shower (pitter- patter). “Reset it yourself!”

“I am scared!” She pleaded. “What if it starts going and sucks me in?” (Pause) “C’mon, it’ll only take a second.”

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence.

I crouched down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn’t a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth.
It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I took the bait under the sink.

At precisely the second I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws.

Now when men feel pain or even sense danger anywhere close to their masculine region, they lose all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements. Instinctively, their nerves compel the body to contort inwardly, while rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed. Not even a well trained monk could calmly stand with his groin supporting the full weight of a kitten and rectify the situation in a step-by-step manner.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a “fight or flight”
syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the “flight”
option.

Fleeing straight up, I knew at that moment how a cat feels when
it is alarmed. It was a dismal irony. But, whereas cats seek great heights to escape, I never made it that far. The sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they
tried to conduct their work while suppressing their hysterical laughter.

At the office, colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me.
I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk. “What’s the matter, cat got your tongue?”

If they had only known.

1. If it rings, put it on hold.
2. If it clunks, call the repairman.
3. If it whistles, ignore it.
4. If it’s a friend, stop work and chat.
5. If it’s the boss, look busy.
6. If it talks, take notes.
7. If it’s handwritten, type it.
8. if it’s typed, copy it.
9. If it’s copied, file it.
10. If it’s Friday, forget it!



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