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* A “baby monitor.” Makes those closed door meetings easier to hear.

* A pregnancy test kit with a positive result and an unsigned note saying: I told you that damn condom ripped.

* Put a piece of tape on the underside of his mouse. That way the ball doesn’t roll and it will take the jerk and the IS department all day to figure it out.

* 32 beepers, all stashed in different places. (Borrow them from managers who are forced to wear them 24 hours a day.) Page a different beeper every 15 minutes. This works especially well if you also switch his morning decaf with espresso.

* First, simply hide pot seeds and watch as your clueless boss waters and nurtures the plants daily. Second, watch as escorted out of the building three months later by security.

* Thong, lace bra the morning after the company Christmas party.

* Nonchalantly drop lingerie and then kick it under the front of his desk (where he can’t see it, but visitors can) early in the morning before an important meeting. Then, during the meeting, stare quizzically at the floor under his desk.

* A memo from Accounting Department requesting a meeting to review his recent purchases on the company credit card?

* An open and empty condom wrapper.

* A stained dress.

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was in charge.

“I should be in charge,” said the brain, “Because I run all the body’s systems, so without me nothing would happen.”

“I should be in charge,” said the blood, “Because I circulate oxygen all over, so without me you’d all waste away.”

“I should be in charge,” said the stomach, “Because I process food and give all of your energy.”

“I should be in charge!” demanded the rectum, “Because I’m responsible for waste removal.”

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, and the blood was toxic. Eventually the other organs gave in and all agreed that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral Of The Story: You don’t have to be smart or important to be in charge… just an asshole!!

The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read:

“I’m the Boss!”

He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:

“Your wife called, she wants her sign back!”

To: All Staff
Date: December 1
Subject: New “Twelve Days of Christmas” Policy

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining is due to the North Pole’s loss of dominance in the season’s gift distribution business. Home Shopping TV channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa’s market share. He and the Board could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO’s annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in the reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press (gas and solid waste).

We’re pleased to inform you that Rudolph’s role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole!

Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph’s nose get red, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph “a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load” was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa’s helpers and taken out of context at a time of the year when they are known to be under ‘executive stress’.

As for further restructuring, today’s global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the “Twelve Days of Christmas” music subsidiary:

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;

4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;

10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;

11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line;

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney’s association seeking expansion to include the legal profession (“thirteen lawyers-a-suing”), a decision is pending.

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, “What’s this?” you realize you just dropped the company’s deposit in a mailbox.

A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, “I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one’s your turn.” Your boss is standing behind you. It’s his wife.

While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.

You return from a week’s vacation to find that you had scheduled this week as vacation, not last week.

You take a “sick” day. The next morning the boss asks you, “So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?”

You gossip with another employee about the company, not knowing that the entire time the owner is within an earshot.

You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. You’re in jail. Last night was the company’s big party to celebrate its successful new merger.



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