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Essentially complete: It’s half done.

We predict: We hope to God!

Risk is high, but within acceptable ranges of risk: 100:1 odds, or with 10 times over budget using 10 times the people we said we’d employ.

Potential show stopper: The team has updated their resumes.

Serious but not insurmountable problems: It’ll take a miracle.

Basic agreement has been reached: The @##$%%’s won’t even talk to us.

Results are being quantified: We’re massaging the numbers so they will agree with our conclusions.

Task force to review: Seven people who are incompetent at their regular jobs have been loaned to the project

Not well defined at this time: Nobody’s even thought about it.

Still analyzing the requirements: See previous answer.

Not well understood: Now that we’ve thought about it, we don’t want to think about it anymore.

Requires further analysis and management attention: Totally out of control!

Results are promising: Turned power on and no smoke detected — this time…

To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.

2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill).

3. Work requests are not to be filed under “Bah humbug.”

4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma’s house.

5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.

6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.

Q: How do you get 20 vice presidents in a mini-van?
A: Promote one and watch the other 19 crawl up his ass.

I love my Job, I love the Pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my Boss; he’s the best!
I love his boss and all the rest.

I love my Office and its location
I hate to have to go on vacation.
I love my furniture, drab and gray,
And the paper that piles up every day!

I love my chair in my padded Cell!
There’s nothing else I love so well.
I love to work among my Peers –
I love their leers and jeers and sneers.

I love my Computer and all its Software;
I hug it often though it doesn’t care…
I love each Program and every File,
I try to understand once in a while!

I’m happy to be here, I am I am;
I’m the happiest Slave of my uncle Sam.
I love this Work: I love these Chores.
I love the Meetings with deadly Bores.

I love my Job – I’ll say it again –
I even love these friendly Men –
These men who’ve come to visit today
In lovely white coats to take me away!

To: All Employees
From: Management
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season

Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).

1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.

2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill).

3. Work requests are not to be filed under “Bah humbug.”

4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma’s house.

5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.

6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.

In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy Holiday.



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