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In the beginning, God’s alarm clock went off at 7:00 a.m. God got out of bed, said, “I hate Mondays!” Then he created the heavens and the earth.

God said, “Let there be light!” and there was light, and God saw that it was good. And God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And that was Tuesday.

And God said, “Let the waters under the heaven be gathered together unto one place, and let dry land appear,” and it was so. And because he had some time before quitting time and he had to look busy, God added some grass and trees and stuff. That was Wednesday, and God was glad to be past Hump day.

On Thursday, God was already thinking about what he was going to do that weekend, so he didn’t get much done, just some lights in the heavens to rule the seasons, and a few stars.

And God said, “Thank Me it’s Friday!” He created great whales, and every living creature that moveth, which the waters brought forth abundantly, after their kind, and every winged fowl after his kind. And God saw that it was 3:30 so he said, “That’s good enough,” and he was out of there.

On Saturday God had to do some work he brought home from the office, so he threw together some beasts of the earth, and cattle, and everything that creepeth upon the earth, and as an afterthought created a creature in his own image and put him in charge of the other things, so God would be on time to his scheduled tennis game.

Thus the heavens and the earth were finished, and all the host of them.

And on the seventh day, God wanted to rest but there was a lot of yard work to do, and and then a football game to watch, so the weekend was blown and the next day it would back to the same old grind.

Employee Name _______________ Date of Review __________________

1.____ The son of a bitch really knows his shit
2.____ Knows only enough to be dangerous
3.____ Only half a brain and is dangerous
4.____ Brain damaged. His coffee cup has higher I.Q.

1.____ Does excellent work is not preoccupied with women
2.____ Pretty good; only occasionally blows it out his ass
3.____ Has to take his shoes off to count higher than ten
4.____ Couldn’t count his balls and get the same number twice

1.____ Extremely cooperative (Kisses ass frequently)
2.____ Brown noser in poor standing
3.____ Often pisses off co-workers; thinks it’s his job
4.____ Doesn’t give a shit, never did, never will

1.____ Really a dependable little cocksucker
2.____ Can rely on him at evaluation time
3.____ Can rely on him to be the first one out the fucking door
4.____ Totally worthless

1.____ Extremely neat; even combs his pubic hair
2.____ Looks great at evaluation time
3.____ Dirty, filthy, smelly son of a bitch
4.____ Flies leave fresh dog shit to follow him

1.____ Goes like a son of a bitch, if there is money in it for him
2.____ Does Ok around evaluation time
3.____ Works only if kicked in the ass every two minutes
4.____ Couldn’t do less work if he were in a coma

1.____ Carries chain saw and gets good results
2.____ Occasionally gets told to get screwed
3.____ Mother Theresa tells him to get screwed
4.____ Couldn’t lead a pack of hungry wolves to meat

I understand I have been evaluated and know my rights under the Privacy Act of 1969. I further acknowledge I am as screwed up as a football bat and will attempt to correct my deficiencies.

EMPLOYEE SIGNATURE ________________________

MANAGER SIGNATURE ________________________

Have to write a letter of recommendation for that fired employee? Here are a few suggested phrases that will allow you to remain politically correct:

For the chronically absent:
“A man like him is hard to find.”
“It seemed her career was just taking off.”

For the office drunk:
“I feel his real talent is wasted here.”
“We generally found him loaded with work to do.”
“Every hour with him was a happy hour.”

For an employee with no ambition:
“He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in.”
“You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you.”

For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:
“I can assure you that no person would be better for the job.”

For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:
“I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment.”
“All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly.”

For a stupid employee:
“There is nothing you can teach a man like him.”
“I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever.”

For a dishonest employee:
“Her true ability was deceiving.”
“He’s an unbelievable worker.”

1. Being told to “Think Outside the Box” when I’m in a box all day!
2. Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who is behind me.
3. Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gun fire.
4. That nagging feeling that if I just press the right button, I will get a piece of cheese.
5. Lack of roof rafters for the noose.
6. My walls are too close together for my hammock to work right.
7. Women: Darned near impossible to adjust your bra or slip without comment. Men: Co-workers tend to stare when you take your pants off.
8. 23 power cords, 1 outlet.
9. Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.
10. When tours come through, I get lots of peanuts thrown at me.
11. Can’t slam the door when you quit and walk out.

10. Day one: Start an official sounding rumor about your boss being considered for a big promotion. Day two: Spread a rumor that the promotion involves your boss heading up a new facility in Bosnia.

9. Whenever a co-worker asks if you want coffee, say, “No thanks, it doesn’t mix well with thorazine.”

8. Attach 10 or so bottles of white-out to the inside of your suit jacket. Every time you pass a co-worker, surreptitiously open your jacket and whisper, “I got white-out here; three bucks a pop; good quality stuff; who needs white-out?”

7. Bring several large mason jars to work and fill them part way with water and yellow food coloring; display them conspicuously around your work space. Tell anyone who asks about them that you are just taking part in an efficiency study that your boss came up with to cut down on the time employees spend away from their desks.

6. Tell your boss that you intend to spread out your vacation time by taking off one minute out of every 25. Spend all your time planning your vacations.

5. Secretly replace the coffee your boss usually drinks with new Folger’s Crystals.

4. Keep a tally of what your boss wears on ‘casual’ Friday. when you see a pattern develop, distribute the tally to co-workers and start a weekly pool.

3. Dress like a pirate for the office Halloween party. Dress like a pirate every other day of the year as well.

2. Sign up your boss as a volunteer for Junior Achievement, Save The Children Foundation, Keep America Beautiful, the local branch of the Seventh Day Adventist Church, UNICEF, Hands Across America, Points of Light Foundation, and the kicker, AARP.

1. Show up hung-over, leave drunk.

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