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The company president called the chief security guard into his office.

“Chuck, we’ve received a complaint from one of the employees that you are making obscene sexual comments and putting your hands where they don’t belong. These unwanted advances will have to stop.”

Chuck looked down at his feet and mumbled, “I’m sorry, Sir. I won’t do it again.”

The company president said, “I’m sure Ms. Jones will be happy to hear that.”

Chuck’s face lit up. “Ms Jones?! I was afraid that Bob in Accounting was complaining!”

When I asked my boss for a salary rise because I was doing the work of three men he said he couldn’t increase my pay, but if I told him the names of the three men he’d fire them.

Essentially complete: It’s half done.

We predict: We hope to God!

Risk is high, but within acceptable ranges of risk: 100:1 odds, or with 10 times over budget using 10 times the people we said we’d employ.

Potential show stopper: The team has updated their resumes.

Serious but not insurmountable problems: It’ll take a miracle.

Basic agreement has been reached: The @##$%%’s won’t even talk to us.

Results are being quantified: We’re massaging the numbers so they will agree with our conclusions.

Task force to review: Seven people who are incompetent at their regular jobs have been loaned to the project

Not well defined at this time: Nobody’s even thought about it.

Still analyzing the requirements: See previous answer.

Not well understood: Now that we’ve thought about it, we don’t want to think about it anymore.

Requires further analysis and management attention: Totally out of control!

Results are promising: Turned power on and no smoke detected — this time…

1) The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing “Doom” at your desk, you…

A. Swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a copy for his kid.
B. Inform him that you’re planting a virus in the program so that everyone who plays it on company time will get reported to Human Resources.
C. Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until you’ve finished the level.

2) There’s a cushy job opening in the mail department, stuffing envelopes with free samples. It pays twice as much as your current position. What do you do?

A. Meekly suggest to your boss that transferring you might improve the morale of everyone who’s been working with you.
B. Politely ask your boss for a transfer and offer to split the salary increase 50/50 with him.
C. Barge into your boss’ office and demand reassignment so that you, “Won’t have to work under someone who should have retired before he became a laughingstock.”

3) When your boss throws a party and invites everyone in the office except you, what do you do?

A. Stay home and watch “I Love Lucy” reruns.
B. Show up at the party anyway, with a really expensive bottle of wine and a briefcase full of small, unmarked bills.
C. Go over to your bosses house after everyone has left and throw rocks at the windows, shouting obscenities.

4) Your boss criticizes your work unjustly; what do you do?

A. Listen politely, and then apologize.
B. Blame someone else.
C. Climb on top of your desk, and hold up a piece of paper on which you’ve written the word “UNION”

5) When the CEO parks his car in your spot, you…

A. Wash and wax it, then leave your business card under the windshield wiper.
B. Key it… then tell the CEO’s secretary you saw your boss near it, loitering suspiciously.
C. Key it… then proudly tell the CEO’s secretary that you did it.

6) Your boss asks you to play Kooky the Clown for his kid’s fifth birthday party, what do you do?

A. Offer to pay for the costume rental and cake, too.
B. Agree to do it, then blackmail a co-worker into doing it while pretending to be you.
C. Agree to do it, then show up as yourself and tell the children that Kooky is dead.

7) The boss accuses you of not keeping the office clean; you…

A. Clean the office while he supervises.
B. Tell him that you delegated the job, then fire the underling you supposedly gave the job to.
C. Clean the office again, but this time, you use your boss’ face.


Mostly A’s: You have nothing to worry about. They’ll never fire you because you’re a doormat.

Mostly B’s: You’re not just going to keep your job, with your complete disregard for other peoples feelings, you’ll positively shoot up the ladder of success. Congratulations! You’re a real jerk.

Mostly C’s: You are a career kamikaze. The boss would have fired you long ago, but he’s terrified of what you might do.

Streaking will be permitted as follows: Female employees will streak on odd days – males on even days. On payday, all employees may streak, subject to the following:

1. Girls who have tattoos on the lower half of their bodies, such as ‘sock if to me’ or ‘what you see is what you get’ will not be permitted to streak, due to inspection regulations.

2. Men with tattoos, such as ‘let it all hang out’ will not be permitted to streak. Also, men with tattoos of butterflies, roses, or elves will streak with females.

3. Girls with bust size larger than 36B must wear a bra while in file area, or around any Xerox machines. Girls smaller than 36B should not try to impress people by wearing a bra.

4. If you streak in any area where food is served, you must wear two hair nets. These will be available in the vending machine by the cafeteria.

5. In the event your physical make-up is such your sex cannot be determined, such as flat chest for girls, or long hair on boys, you must wear a tag stating ‘I am a boy’ or ‘I am a girl’. Tags will be attached on girls with hair pin or paper clip, on boys with rubberband. Please return paper clips and rubber bands to stationary supplies after you finish streaking.

6. Girls may wear jewelry while streaking, but in no event should they bend over to retrieve it should it fall (Due to insurance regulations).

7. No female beyond her seventh month of pregnancy, or those wishing to become pregnant, may streak.

8. No mixed streaking in dark hallways, broom closets, or under desks.

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