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Try these excuses:
* They told me at the blood bank that this might happen.
* This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.
* I was working smarter – not harder.
* Whew! I must have left the top off the whiteout.
* I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!
* This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!
* I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.
* I’m in the management training program.
* I’m actually doing a Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.
* This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!
* I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?
* Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.
* The coffee machine is broken…. Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot.
* Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off.
* Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!
* I wasn’t sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands.
* The mail courier flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot.
* Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day.

1) The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing “Doom” at your desk, you…

A. Swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a copy for his kid.
B. Inform him that you’re planting a virus in the program so that everyone who plays it on company time will get reported to Human Resources.
C. Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until you’ve finished the level.

2) There’s a cushy job opening in the mail department, stuffing envelopes with free samples. It pays twice as much as your current position. What do you do?

A. Meekly suggest to your boss that transferring you might improve the morale of everyone who’s been working with you.
B. Politely ask your boss for a transfer and offer to split the salary increase 50/50 with him.
C. Barge into your boss’ office and demand reassignment so that you, “Won’t have to work under someone who should have retired before he became a laughingstock.”

3) When your boss throws a party and invites everyone in the office except you, what do you do?

A. Stay home and watch “I Love Lucy” reruns.
B. Show up at the party anyway, with a really expensive bottle of wine and a briefcase full of small, unmarked bills.
C. Go over to your bosses house after everyone has left and throw rocks at the windows, shouting obscenities.

4) Your boss criticizes your work unjustly; what do you do?

A. Listen politely, and then apologize.
B. Blame someone else.
C. Climb on top of your desk, and hold up a piece of paper on which you’ve written the word “UNION”

5) When the CEO parks his car in your spot, you…

A. Wash and wax it, then leave your business card under the windshield wiper.
B. Key it… then tell the CEO’s secretary you saw your boss near it, loitering suspiciously.
C. Key it… then proudly tell the CEO’s secretary that you did it.

6) Your boss asks you to play Kooky the Clown for his kid’s fifth birthday party, what do you do?

A. Offer to pay for the costume rental and cake, too.
B. Agree to do it, then blackmail a co-worker into doing it while pretending to be you.
C. Agree to do it, then show up as yourself and tell the children that Kooky is dead.

7) The boss accuses you of not keeping the office clean; you…

A. Clean the office while he supervises.
B. Tell him that you delegated the job, then fire the underling you supposedly gave the job to.
C. Clean the office again, but this time, you use your boss’ face.

SCORING:

Mostly A’s: You have nothing to worry about. They’ll never fire you because you’re a doormat.

Mostly B’s: You’re not just going to keep your job, with your complete disregard for other peoples feelings, you’ll positively shoot up the ladder of success. Congratulations! You’re a real jerk.

Mostly C’s: You are a career kamikaze. The boss would have fired you long ago, but he’s terrified of what you might do.

A woman works in an office setting. Every morning a man she works with comes in and sticks his nose in her hair, backs away and exclaims, “Boy, your hair smells GREAT!”

This became a regular occurrence, and began to annoy the woman. Day after day this went on. Finally she decided to report him to the Director of Human resources. She said to him, “I would like to file a sexual harassment charge!”

“What do you base this on?” replied the HR Manager.

“Well, you see, every morning a man I work with comes in and sticks his nose in my hair, backs away and exclaims ‘Boy, your hair smells GREAT!'”

“I’m afraid that this doesn’t sound like much of a case,” said the HR.

“Well, would it bolster my case if you knew the guy was a midget?” retorted the woman.

A businessman was interviewing applicants for the position of divisional manager. He devised a simple test to select the most suitable person for the job. He asked each applicant the question, “What is two and two?”

The first interviewee was a journalist. His answer was “twenty-two.”

The second applicant was an engineer. He pulled out a calculator and showed the answer to be between 3.999 and 4.001.

The next person was a lawyer. He stated that in the case of Jenkins v. Comm. of Stamp Duties, two and two was proven to be four.

The last applicant was an accountant. The businessman asked him, “How much is two and two?”

The accountant got up from his chair, went over to the door, closed it then came back and sat down. He leaned across the desk and said in a low voice, “How much do you want it to be?”

* Still hasn’t forgiven Michael J. Fox for “Teen Wolf.”

* Newly installed keg of Nair in men’s room.

* His Wolfman Jack impression is eerily authentic.

* Five o’clock shadow appears around 8:30 am.

* Only *guy* you know who circles several days a month in red on his desk calendar.

* Says, “Great job on the Hanrahan account!” and then humps your leg.

* Domino’s guy asks, “who ordered the large Cheese and Raw Beef Special?”

* Adamantly refuses to drink Coors Light.

* In lieu of annual bonus, prefers a good scratching behind the ears.

* Suddenly sports a beard when mooned at office holiday party.

* Water cooler conversations always end with talk of “kickin’ Ol’ Yellar’s ass.”

* “Severance pay” has taken on a whole new meaning lately..

* Vending machine always out of Milk Bones.

* Your sarcastic little “Bite me!” nets you 12 stitches.

* Always calls in sick with “mange.”

* Coughs up a hairball during morning staff meeting.

* Has more hair on his back than you’ve got on your head, and he’s NOT ED ASNER!



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