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When I asked my boss for a salary rise because I was doing the work of three men he said he couldn’t increase my pay, but if I told him the names of the three men he’d fire them.

To: All Employees
From: Human Resources
RE: Layoffs

As a result of the reduction of money for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to go on early retirement, thus permitting the retention of the younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company. SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place.

This phase of the program is called SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with the upper management.

This is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination). Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedures, he/she will be entitled to get HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel’s Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment) unless he/she already has AIDS (Additional Income From Dependents or Spouse). After getting HERPES or CLAP employee’s will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our Special High Intensity Training (SHIT). This company takes pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any company in this area.

If any employee feels they do not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your immediate supervisor.

YOUR SUPERVISOR IS SPECIALLY TRAINED TO MAKE SURE YOU RECEIVE ALL THE SHIT YOU CAN STAND.

H. R. Department

The company president called the chief security guard into his office.

“Chuck, we’ve received a complaint from one of the employees that you are making obscene sexual comments and putting your hands where they don’t belong. These unwanted advances will have to stop.”

Chuck looked down at his feet and mumbled, “I’m sorry, Sir. I won’t do it again.”

The company president said, “I’m sure Ms. Jones will be happy to hear that.”

Chuck’s face lit up. “Ms Jones?! I was afraid that Bob in Accounting was complaining!”

When I asked my boss for a salary rise because I was doing the work of three men he said he couldn’t increase my pay, but if I told him the names of the three men he’d fire them.

Essentially complete: It’s half done.

We predict: We hope to God!

Risk is high, but within acceptable ranges of risk: 100:1 odds, or with 10 times over budget using 10 times the people we said we’d employ.

Potential show stopper: The team has updated their resumes.

Serious but not insurmountable problems: It’ll take a miracle.

Basic agreement has been reached: The @##$%%’s won’t even talk to us.

Results are being quantified: We’re massaging the numbers so they will agree with our conclusions.

Task force to review: Seven people who are incompetent at their regular jobs have been loaned to the project

Not well defined at this time: Nobody’s even thought about it.

Still analyzing the requirements: See previous answer.

Not well understood: Now that we’ve thought about it, we don’t want to think about it anymore.

Requires further analysis and management attention: Totally out of control!

Results are promising: Turned power on and no smoke detected — this time…



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