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A Hornplayer is fishing. Suddenly he catches a Fish! But the fish says to the hornplayer: “If you let me go, I will tell you two important things about your future, I have good news and I have bad news for you.”

“That’s a deal”, the horn-player says.

“Well, the good news is, when you are going to die, you will play 2nd horn in heaven, next to Buyanovski!”

“Woooooow!!” the hornplayer screams, “that’s great!”

“Yeah,” the fish says, “but the bad news is that you will have to start tomorrow!”

Q: If you were out in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus?

A: The out-of-tune sax player! You were hallucinating the other two.

1. Never recommend anyone who plays better than you.

2. Always suck up. (Leaders, bartenders, bride and/or groom, management, etc.)

3. If you don’t know it, play harmony.

4. Double book, then choose.

5. Always assume the leader knows nothing.

6. Always degrade types of music you can’t play or know nothing about.

7. Always bring your own business cards and solicit during breaks.

8. Never play requests (especially if you know it).

9. Never smile.

10. Always complain.

11. Save all high notes for warming up and after engagement.

12. Never show up sooner than 30 seconds before an engagement. (One minute if you have equipment to set up.)

13. Never leave a book in order. Whenever possible, write on music in ink.

14. Always play Trane or Parker licks during fox trots, tangos, waltzes, or anything in D minor.

15. Always open spit valves over music.

16. If the leader is not sure of a tune, always use substitute changes over his vocals or solos.

17. Always worship dead jazz greats.

18. Be negative about anything connected with the job.

19. Always bring drinks back to the band stand.

20. When a break is over, always disappear. If this is not possible, make a phone call.

21. If you’re backing up an act, talk when not playing. If it’s a comic, don’t laugh.

22. Always bum a ride.

23. Always wait until someone else is buying before you get thirsty.

24. Never bring your own cigarettes to an engagement.

25. Avoid tipping at all cost (waitresses, coat room, valet, etc.).

26. Always ask, “When does the band eat”, or “Where’s our table”?

27. Remember, it’s not your gig. Mingle with guests and enjoy yourself.

What’s worse than telling jokes about guitarists?
Laughing at ‘em.

What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.

What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common.
Both suck when you plug them in.

How do you know when the stage is level?
The guitarist is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.

What’s the difference between a Lead Guitarist and the PLO?
You can negotiate with the PLO.

Did you hear about the guitarist who was in tune?
Neither have I.

How do you make a guitarist’s eyes light up?
Shine a flashlight in his ear.

Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners?
So the rest of the band can understand them.

What’s the difference between a guitar player and a bag of garbage?
The garbage gets taken out at least once a week.

Q: What is the difference between the first and last desk of a viola section?

A: Half a measure.

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