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Maestro (to Horns): “Give us the F in tune!”

Violist (to Maestro): “Please can we have the F-in’ tune too?”

What’s the difference between a bull and an orchestra?

The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.

Q: What is the definition of an optimist?

A: An accordion player with a pager.

How do you know when a drummer is knocking at your door?

The knock always slows down.

A jazz musician dies and goes to heaven. He is told “Hey man, welcome! You have been elected to the Jazz All-Stars of Heaven–right up there with Satchmo, Miles, Django, all the greats. We have a gig tonight. Only one problem–God’s girlfriend gets to sing.”

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