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1. Betty is tired of paying for clarinet reeds. If she adopts a policy of playing only on rejected reeds from her colleagues, will she be able to retire on the money she has saved if she invests it in mutual funds (yielding 8.7%) before she is fired from her job?

2. Jethro has been playing the double bass in a symphony orchestra for twelve years, three months, and seven days. Each day, his inclination to practice decreases by the equation: (Total days in the orchestra)=x .000976. Assuming that he stopped practicing altogether six months ago, how long will it be before he is completely unable to play the double bass?

3. Wilma plays in the second violin section but specializes in making disparaging remarks about conductors and other musicians. The probability of her making a negative comment is 4:7 for any given musician, and 16:17 for conductors. If there are 103 musicians in the orchestra and the orchestra sees 26 different conductors each year, how many negative comments does Wilma make in a two-year period? How does this change if five of the musicians are also conductors? What if six of the conductors are also musicians?

4. Horace is the General Manager of a symphony orchestra. He tries to hear at least four concerts a year. Assuming that at each concert the orchestra plays a minimum of three pieces, what are the chances that Horace can avoid hearing a single work by Mozart, Beethoven, or Brahms in the next ten years?

5. Susan plays in the viola section. Despite her best efforts she is unable to play with the rest of the orchestra and, on average, plays .35 seconds behind the rest of the viola section, which is already .16 seconds behind the rest of the orchestra. If the orchestra is moving into a new concert hall with a reverberation time of 2.7 seconds, will she be able to continue playing this way undetected?

6. Rosemary is unable to play in keys with more than three sharps without making an inordinate number of mistakes. Because her colleagues in the cello section are also struggling in these passages she has so far been able to escape detection. What is the total number of hours they would all have to practice to play the complete works of Richard Strauss?

7. Ralph loves to drink coffee. Each week he drinks three more cups of coffee than Harold, who drinks exactly one third the amount that the entire brass section consumes in beer. How much longer is Ralph going to live?

Q: What do you get if you drop an organ on an army base?

A: A flat major.

Band Director on phone: “Doctor, Doctor, what do I do ? My oboe player just swallowed her reed !

Doctor: “Well…use a muted trumpet.”

How long does a harp stay in tune?
About 20 minutes or until someone opens a door.

Why are harps like elderly parents?
Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.

Harpists spend half their time tuning their instrument and the other half playing out of tune.

What’s the difference between a lawn mower and a soprano sax?
Lawn mowers sound better in small ensembles.

Why do sax players prefer the alto sax to the soprano sax?
The soprano sax doesn’t have a place to put your beer?

Why can’t a gorilla play sousaphone?
Gorillas are too sensitive.

The conductor repeatedly asked the trumpet section to play with more dynamics.
The first trumpet player responded in frustration, “We’re playing as loud as we can!”

What is brown and black and looks good on a music critic?
A Doberman!

How do you get a music critic out of a tree?
Cut the rope.

Musician: Did you hear my last concert?
Critic: I hope so.

What’s the difference between an extra-large pizza and a composer?
The extra-large pizza can feed a family of four.

What is the difference between an orchestra and a freight train?
A freight train needs a conductor!

Why does a violinist have a handkerchief under his chin when he plays?
Because violins have no spit valve.

What’s the difference between a fiddle and a violin?
A fiddle has beer stains.

What’s the difference between the violin section and the viola section of an orchestra?
About half a measure.

Once there was a violist who was so out of tune that his section noticed!

Who makes the best Viola mutes?
Smith & Wesson.

Why is the viola called “bratsche” in Germany?
Because that’s the sound it makes when you sit down on it.

What’s the difference between God and a conductor?
God knows He’s not a conductor.

“Hey buddy, how late does the band play?”

“Oh, about a half a beat behind the drummer.”

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