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Q: What is the difference between an Uzi and an accordion?

A: The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.

Why don’t bass players play hide and seek?

because no one will look for them.

Two bass players were engaged for a run of Carmen. After a couple of weeks, they agreed each to take an afternoon off in turn to go and watch the matinee performance from the front of house. Joe duly took his break; back in the pit that evening, Moe asked how it was. “Great,” says Joe. “You know that bit where the music goes `BOOM Boom Boom Boom’–well there are some guys uptop singing a terrific song about a Toreador at the same time.”

Q: What do you get when an army officer puts his nose to the grindstone?

A: A sharp major.

Q: Dad, why do the singers rock left and right while performing on stage?

A: Because, son, it is more difficult to hit a moving target.

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