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Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?

A: A bagpiper.

Why do bands have bass players?

To translate for the drummer.

What’s the difference between a conductor and a stagecoach driver?

The stagecoach driver only has to look at four horses’ asses.

Q: What do you get if you run over an army officer with a steam roller?

A: A flat major.

Once there was a violinist who got a gig to play a recital at a mental institution. He played the recital brilliantly, and backstage after the concert, he got a visit from one of the institutionalized patients. “Oh, the concert you played was just lovely. The Paganini caprice was stunning, the counterpoint in the Bach came out so clearly, and the phrasing in your Debussy was just exquisite!”, said the patient. “Why, thank you,” said the musician (thinking this person seemed pretty normal for a institutionalized person). “Are you by chance a musician?” “Oh yes, I was concertmaster of an orchestra for many years, I’ve played all of the major concertos: Tchaikowsky, Brahms, Mozart, all the major ones.” said the patient. “Wow, that’s impressive,” said the violinist. “Did you do recitals as well?” “Oh yes, I’ve done all the major sonatas, Bach, Kreisler, Vieuxtemps, all of the major ones,” said the patient. “Wow! Did you ever do chamber music?” asked the violinist. “Oh yes. Duets, trios, quintets, sextets, all the major repertoire,” said the patient. Puzzled, the violinist asked “Did you ever play string quartets?” All of the suddenly the patient went berserk and shouted “String quartets!… String quartets!… String quartets!… “

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