Joke's Database
     
Have fun searching 100253 jokes and pictures!


Top Ten Things The Chinese Have Learned By Examining Our Spy Plane

10. American codes can be broken by anyone with a basic understanding of Pig Latin

9. On-board computers were mainly used for Internet casino video poker

8. According to plaque, “When Bush gives order, nod politely, wait to hear what Cheney says”

7. Cockpit full of Colt 45 bottles

6. Mission was to determine if Chinese people can fly like in “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon”

5. “Cloaking device” button only there because pilot’s a “Star Trek” fan

4. Maybe not the best idea to write “Spy plane” on wings

3. The plane’s sole security feature: an angry kitty

2. Plane is so high-tech lavatories feature futuristic blue water!

1. Americans smell like Doritos and Aqua Velva

The Italian colonel had his brigade arrayed in full parade dress, proudly
ready for inspection by the general. That worthy warrior strolled back and
forth before the troops, and sniffed and stopped abruptly. “Colonel!” he
spat out. “Yes, general!” the colonel quavered. “Your troops, your
troops,” stormed the general. “They look very nice, they stand very nice,
but they stink, man, they stink! Can’t you get them to change their
underwear?”
He strode away furiously. The colonel sniffed for himself. “The general,
yes, he’s right. Now, Luigi change with Guiseppi, Carlo change with
Giovanni…”

Top Ten Things The Chinese Have Learned By Examining Our Spy Plane

10. American codes can be broken by anyone with a basic understanding of Pig Latin

9. On-board computers were mainly used for Internet casino video poker

8. According to plaque, “When Bush gives order, nod politely, wait to hear what Cheney says”

7. Cockpit full of Colt 45 bottles

6. Mission was to determine if Chinese people can fly like in “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon”

5. “Cloaking device” button only there because pilot’s a “Star Trek” fan

4. Maybe not the best idea to write “Spy plane” on wings

3. The plane’s sole security feature: an angry kitty

2. Plane is so high-tech lavatories feature futuristic blue water!

1. Americans smell like Doritos and Aqua Velva

A British General had sent some of his men off to fight for their country in the Falkland Island Crisis.

Upon returning to England from the South American island, three soldiers that had distinguished themselves in battle were summoned to the General’s office. “Since we weren’t actually at war,” the General began, “I can’t give out any medals. We did, however, want to let each of you know your efforts were appreciated.

What we’ve decided to do is to let each of you choose two points on your body. You will be given two pounds sterling for each inch of distance between those parts. We’ll start on the left, boys, so what’ll it be?”

Soldier 1: “The tip of me head to me toes, sahr!” General: “Very good son, that’s 70 inches which comes to 140 pounds”

Soldier 2: “The tip of the finger on one outstretched hand to the tip of the other, sir!”

General: “Even better son, that’s 72 inches which comes to 144 pounds”

Soldier 3: “The palm of me hand to the tip of me left pinky, sahr!”

General: “That’s a strange but fair request, son!

As the general begins the measurement: “What! Son, where is your left pinky?”

Soldier 3: “Falkland Island, sahr!”

* If the enemy is in range, so are you.

* Incoming fire has the right of way.

* Don’t look conspicuous: it draws fire.

* There is always a way.

* The easy way is always mined.

* Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

* Professionals are predictable, it’s the amateurs that are dangerous.

* The enemy invariably attacks on one of two occasions: When you’re ready for them and when you’re not ready for them.

* Teamwork is essential; it gives the enemy someone else to shoot at.

* If you can’t remember, the claymore is pointed at you.

* If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.

* Don’t draw fire, it irritates the people around you.

* The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

* When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.

* When in doubt empty the magazine.

* Never share a fox hole with anyone braver than you.

* Anything you do can get you shot. Including doing nothing.

* Make it too tough for the enemy to get in and you can’t get out.

* Mines are equal opportunity weapons.

* A Purple Heart just proves that you were smart enough to think of a plan, stupid enough to try it, and lucky enough to survive.

* Don’t ever be the first, don’t ever be the last and don’t ever volunteer to do anything.

* The quartermaster has only two sizes: too large and too small.

* Five second fuses only last three seconds.

* It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.

* The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.

* A “sucking chest wound” is nature’s way of telling you to slow down.

* If you’re short of everything but the enemy, you’re in a combat zone.

* When you have secured an area, don’t forget to tell the enemy.

* Never forget that your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.

* If it’s stupid but works, it isn’t stupid.



© 2015 ijokedb.com