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Patient: “Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?”
Dentist: “Wear a brown tie…”

This morning I went to the doctor to see if he had a cure for my wife’s sinus trouble. Every time she drags me out shopping she keeps telling me ‘sign us’ for this, ‘sign us’ for that.

Hal went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I’m going crazy!”

“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink. “Come to me three times a week, and I’ll cure your fears.”

“How much do you charge?”

“A hundred dollars per visit.”

“I’ll sleep on it,” said Hal.

Six months later the doctor met Hal on the street. “Why didn’t you ever come to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist.

“For a hundred buck’s a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars.”

“Is that so! How?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed!”

Seventy-two-year-old Edgar recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, the doctor said Edgar was doing “fairly well” for his age.

A little concerned about that comment, Edgar couldn’t resist asking the doctor, “Do you think I’ll live to be 80?”

The doctor asked, “Well, do you smoke or drink beer?”

“Oh no,” Edgar replied, “I’ve never done either.”

Then the doctor asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and bar-b-qued ribs?”

Edgar said, “No, I’ve heard that all red meat is very unhealthful!”

“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?” the doctor asked.

“No, I don’t,” Edgar replied.

Then the doctor asked, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or run around with sexy women?”

“No,” Edgar said, “I don’t do any of those things.”

The good doctor looked at Edgar and said, “Then why the heck do you want to live to be 80?”

Doctor, the embarrassed man said, “I have a sexual problem. I can’t get it up for my wife anymore.”

“Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.”

The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife. “Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas,” the medic said. “Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on.”

The doctor took the husband aside. “You’re in perfect health,” he said. “Your wife didn’t give me an erection either.”



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