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An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra. The pharmacist said, “That’s no problem. How many do you want?”

The man answered, “Just a few, maybe 4, but cut each one in 4 pieces.”

The pharmacist said, “That won’t do you any good.”

The elderly gentleman said, “That’s alright. I don’t need them for sex anymore as I am over 80 years old. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don’t pee on my shoes.”

A doctor died and went to Hell. He was met at the gate and asked to stand in a room and wait for Satan. After 4 hours Satan finally appeared.

The doctor was incensed. Poking his watch he said, “How could you keep me waiting so long!! I am an important man! I’m a doctor!”

Satan replied, “Doctors are a dime a dozen here in Hell. But I’ll tell you what. Since you had to wait so long, I will give you a choice of which part of Hell you will spend eternity in.”

Satan took the doctor down a hall and said, “Here. I’ll be back shortly. You can choose between door #1 and door #2. I’ll be back and you can let me know where you want to be assigned.”

The doctor opened door #1. Inside was an Intensive Care Unit. Blood was spurting, alarms were going off and patients were coding. A man in the corner extubated himself as a woman in the center fell out of bed. The doctor quickly shut the door and said, “My God, I really am in Hell. I’d better check door #2.”

Behind door #2 was a Medical Records Department. Unfinished charts stretched for miles with notations about delinquent H&Ps. Message slips from Managed Care Case Managers filled a swimming pool sized bin, all marked Urgent. Inside, physicians were dictating as sweat poured off their brows. The doctor shut the door and said, “I don’t know which one is worse.”

Then he noticed another door off to the side. He opened it and inside was a tidy nurse’s station. The nurses were all young and beautiful. There were busily making rounds with doctors and calling to obtain lab and x-ray results. They poured coffee and served donuts purchased with their own money. One doctor complained of a stiff neck and a nurse rubbed it for him.

“Now this is more like it,” the doctor thought as he closed the door.

Satan came strolling back down the hall and said, “Well, which have you decided on, door #1 or door #2?”

The doctor replied, “Actually, I would like to go behind door #3.”

“That’s not an option,” said Satan.

“But… that’s what I want!” said the doctor.

Satan replied, “I’m sorry, but you can’t go in there. That’s Hell for nurses.”

A young women visited her eye doctor complaining of failing eyesight. The doctor sat her in front of a standard eye chart.

Doctor: “Can you read the bottom line?”

Girl: “No.”

Doctor: “Can you read the center line?”

Girl: “No.”

Doctor: “Can you read the large top line?”

Girl: “No.”

Doctor (getting frustrated): “Can you even see the chart?”

Girl: “No.”

The doctor is clearly frustrated and whips his Johnson out of his pants.

Doctor: “Can you see this?”

Girl: “Of course!”

Doctor: “Well, there’s your problem — you’re cock-eyed!”

Patient: ‘Doctor, every time I eat fruit I get this strange urge to give people all my money.’
Doctor: ‘Would you like an apple or a banana?’

A sweet young thang was having her annual check-up at the dentist’s. He gave her the usual “Now this won’t hurt a bit,” as he leaned over her to begin. Seconds later, he drew back in shock and exclaimed, “Miss! You have hold of my testicles.”
“Yes, I know doctor,” she replied. “And we aren’t going to hurt each other at all, are we?”

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