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My Mom got the Amish flu. First she got a little horse, then she got a little buggy.


If I were a pathologist I’d be in a dead end job.

If I were a biologist I’d be in jeans all the time.

Anesthesiology would put me to sleep.

Cell specialists are too cultured for my taste.

I can’t stand podiatry.

I can’t see myself as an ophthalmologist.

I’m too old to be a gerontologist.

I would have to be crazy to become a psychiatrist.

But a friend told me that ontology would grow on me.

I’m told pediatrics is child’s play!

I haven’t got the heart to be a cardiologist.

And they’d see right through me if I went into radiology.

And I really couldn’t face it if I were a dermatologist.

I haven’t got the spine to be a chiropractor.

I’m not cut out to be a surgeon.

If I weren’t such a baby, I’d become a gynecologist.

It’s been drilled into me that I should be a dentist.

I’d rather be a plumber than a urologist.

If I were a proctologist, I’d have to look at assholes all day.

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in
their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he
could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor. He gave them
thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests, then
concluded, “Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On
your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some
grapes and some doughnuts.”

“Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across
the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife’s ‘love canal’.
Then, on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and
retrieve the grape using only your tongue.”

“Then next, ma’am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the
room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his
‘love pole’. Then, like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume
the doughnut.”

The couple went home and their sex life became more and more
wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should
see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would
not take the case unless he felt that he could help them. He conducted
the physical exams and the same battery of tests.

Then he told the Greens the bad news. “I cannot help you, so I will
not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will
ever be. I cannot help.”

The Greens pleaded with him, and said, “You helped our friends the
Browns, now please, please help us.”

“Well, all right”, the doctor said. “On your way home from the office,
stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of
Cheerios… “

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.
So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.”
“My darling,” he replied, “think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

When I told the doctor’s receptionist that I kept thinking I was a billiard ball she told me to get the end of the cue.

© 2015