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This guy has a bad case of hemorrhoids, he decides to go see the doctor. The doctor says, “It’s not too bad, you just need to put these suppositories up your ass.”

The doctor then says, “I’ll give you the first dose, then you can have your wife give you the second this evening.”

The man replies, “Okay.”

Later that evening he is talking to his wife and tells her what the doctor said, and she said she would help. She puts one hand upon his shoulder and tells him to bend over. All of the sudden the guy screams, “Oh my god!!”

“What’s wrong?” his wife asked.

The man replies, “I just realized that the doctor had both his hands on my shoulders when he gave me my medicine!”

A mother complained to her doctor about her daughter’s strange eating habits. “All day long she lies in bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her, doctor?,” the mother inquired. “Eventually,” said the doctor, “she will rise and shine!”

“Better save that. We’ll need it for the autopsy.”

“Someone call the janitor – we’re going to need a mop.”

“Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness”

“Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!”

“Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?”

“Hand me that…uh…that uh…..thingie.”

“Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.”

“Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?”

“Shoot, there go the lights again….”

“Ya know, there’s big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy’s got two of them.”

“What do you mean you want a divorce?”

This guy goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, I can’t stop singing certain songs. All morning I’ve been humming ‘The Green, Green Grass Of Home.’ Yesterday it was, ‘Delilah.’ Last week I sang ‘What’s New Pussycat?’ at least 100 times! What’s wrong with me?”

The Doctor says, “Sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome to me.”

The man says, “Never heard of that. Is it common?”

Doc says, “It’s not unusual.”

Judy Smith, my assistant, can always be found
hard at work in her station. Judy works independently, without
wasting hospital time talking to colleagues. Judy never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and she always
finishes given assignments on time. Often, Judy takes extended
measures to complete her work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Judy is an individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of her high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in her field. I firmly believe that Judy can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Judy be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.

Regards – Charge Nurse

Shortly thereafter, the HR department received the following memo from the Charge Nurse:

Sorry, but that idiot (Judy) was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines for my true assessment of her…

© 2015