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TRUE STORIES FROM AMERICAN EMERGENCY ROOMS

1
Christopher Coulter and his wife, Emily, were engaging in bondage games when Christopher suggested spreading peanut butter on his genitals and letting Rudy, their Irish Setter, lick them clean.

Sadly, Rudy lost control and began tearing at Christopher’s penis and testicles. Rudy refused to obey commands and a panicked Emily threw a half-gallon bottle of perfume at the dog. The bottle broke, covering the dog and Christopher with perfume. Startled, Rudy leaped back, tearing away the penis.

While trying to get her unconscious husband in the car to take him to the hospital, Emily fell twice, injuring her wrist and ankle. Christopher’s penis was in a styrofoam ice cooler.

“Chris is just plain lucky,” said the surgeon who spent eight hours reattaching the penis. “Believe it or not, the perfume turned out to be very fortuitous. The high alcohol content, which must have been excruciatingly painful, helped sterilize the wound.

Also, aside from its being removed, the damage caused by the dog’s teeth to the penis per se is minimal. It’s really a very stringy piece of flesh. Mr. Coulter stands an excellent chance of regaining the use of his limb because of this.”

Washington Animal Control has no plans to seize Rudy.

2
Attorney Antonio Mendoza was released from a trauma center after having a cell phone removed from his rectum. “My dog drags the thing all over the house,” he said later.

“He must have dragged it into the shower. I slipped on the tile, tripped against the dog and sat down right on the thing.” The extraction took more than three hours due to the fact that the cover to Mr. Mendoza’s phone had opened during insertion.

“He was a real trooper during the entire episode,” said Dr. Dennis Crobe. “Tony just cracked jokes and really seemed to be enjoying himself. Three times during the extraction his phone rang and each time, he made jokes about it that just had us rolling on the floor.

By the time we finished, we really did expect to find an answering machine in there.”

3
Four people were injured in a string of bizarre accidents. Sherry Moeller was admitted with a head wound caused by flying masonry, Tim Vegas was diagnosed with a mild case of whiplash and contusions on his chest, arms and face, Bryan Corcoran suffered torn gum tissue, and Pamela Klesick’s first two fingers of her right hand had been bitten off.

Moeller had just dropped her husband off for his first day of work and, in addition to a good-bye kiss, she flashed her breasts at him “I’m still not sure why I did it,” she said later. “I was really close to the car, so I didn’t think anyone would see.

Besides, it couldn’t have been for more than two seconds.” However, cab driver Vegas did see and lost control of his cab, running over the curb and into the corner of the Johnson Medical Building. Inside, Klesick, a dental technician, was cleaning Corcoran’s teeth.

The crash of the cab against the building making her jump, tearing Corcoran’s gums with a cleaning pick. In shock, he bit down, severing two fingers from Klesick’s hand. Moeller’s wound was caused by a falling piece of the medical building.

A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, “How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?”

He got this reply…

“Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I got hitched to a widow with a grown daughter who then became my stepdaughter. My daddy came to visit us, fell in love with my lovely stepdaughter, then married her. And so my stepdaughter was now my stepmother. Soon, my wife had a son who was, of course, my daddy’s brother-in-law since he is the half-brother of my stepdaughter, who is now, of course, my daddy’s wife. So, as I told you, when my stepdaughter married my daddy, she was at once my stepmother! Now, since my new son is brother to my stepmother, he also became my uncle. As you know, my wife is my step-grandmother since she is my stepmother’s mother. Don’t forget that my stepmother is my stepdaughter. Remember, too, that I am my wife’s grandson. But hold on just a few minutes more. You see, since I’m married to my step-grandmother, I am not only the wife’s grandson and her hubby, but I am also my own grandfather. Now can you understand how I got put in this place?”

The aged patient doddered into the doctor’s office with a serious complaint.

“Doc, you’ve got to do something to lower my sex drive.”

“Come on now Mr Peters,” the doctor said, “your sex drives all in your head.”

“Thats what I mean, you’ve got to lower it a little.”

A man went to an eye specialist to get his eyes tested and asked, “Doctor, will I be able to read after wearing glasses?”
“Yes, of course,” said the doctor, “why not?!” – “Oh! How nice it would be,” said the patient with joy, “I have been illiterate for so long.”

A drunk goes to the doctor complaining of tiredness and headaches.

“I feel tired all the time, my head hurts, and I’m not sleeping. What is it, Doc?”

The doctor examines him thoroughly and says, “I can’t find anything wrong. It must be the drinking.”

“Fair enough,” replied the lush. “I’ll come back when you sober up.”



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