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These are things people actually said in courtroom, word for word.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

* * *

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

* * *

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?

* * *

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

* * *

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

* * *

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

* * *

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

* * *

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

* * *

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

* * *

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

* * *

Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

* * *

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

* * *

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

* * *

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

* * *

Q: Did he kill you?

* * *

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

* * *

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

* * *

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

* * *

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

* * *

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

* * *

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

* * *

Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you?
A: I went to Europe, Sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

* * *

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

* * *

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

* * *

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

* * *

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

* * *

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

* * *

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

* * *

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

* * *

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q. Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Q: What’s the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

A lawyer addresses an all male jury: “Gentlemen, shall we cast this beautiful, lonely young lady into a dim cell in a prison, or shall we return her to her oceanside beach condo, Ocean City, telephone Number 555-4531?”

Two Scientists were working late discussing ideas about behavior modification studies. “We’ve started something new at my lab,” said the first scientist. “For some of our more dangerous experiments, we’re now using lawyers”.

“Lawyers?” asks the second scientist. “Why aren’t you using rats?”

“Well you know how it is,” the first scientist replies. “You can get attached to rats.”

A man walked into a curio shop and began to browse. He was attracted to a brass rat on a shelf behind the counter. He asked the shopkeeper for a price, and was told to make an offer. Presently, they agreed on a price, and the brass rat changed hands.

The shopkeeper warned the customer as he took the money, “This sale is final. If you leave the shop with the brass rat, I won’t take it back under any circumstances.” The customer agreed and left with the rat.

As he walked home, he noticed that a live rat came scurrying out of an alley and began to follow him. Soon there were more, all following him and milling about his feet. The man began to run, but the rats kept up, and more joined the procession. After a few minutes, thousands of rats were chasing after the man.

The man ran frantically for the river and threw the brass rat into the water. The live rats followed the brass rat and soon all had drowned.

The man returned to the curio shop, and on seeing him enter, the shopkeeper shouted, “I told you, the sale was final! You cannot return the brass rat!”

The customer replied, “That’s no problem. I just wondered if you had a brass lawyer in stock.”



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