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On their way to get married, the happy couple was involved in a fatal car accident. They found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to admit them into Heaven.

While waiting, the couple began to wonder if they could possibly get married in heaven. When St. Peter showed up, they asked.

“I don’t know,” replied St. Peter. “This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out.” St. Peter leaves.

St. Peter was gone for three months, and while the couple waited for him to return with their answer, they discussed that if they were allowed to marry in Heaven, could they get divorced if they should ever decide to split?

St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informed the couple, “You can get married in Heaven.”

“Great!” the couple proclaims, “But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. “OH, COME ON!” He yelled. “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it will take me to find a lawyer?!”

Q: How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
A: Never enough.

Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
A: You cry when you cut up an onion.

The scene is a law court. The prosecution counsel faces the female witness and rasps: ‘Is it true you committed adultery on the 18th of June in a snowstorm while riding on the roof of an automobile travelling at ninety miles an hour through Slough with a one-legged dwarf waving a Union Jack?’
The young woman in the witness box looked straight at the prosecuting counsel and said, calmly: ‘What was the date again?’

Judge: ‘Did you sleep with this woman?’
Man in witness box: ‘No, your honor, not a wink.’

Policeman in witness box: This woman came up to me when I was in plain clothes and tried to pass off this five pound note, m’lud.’
Judge: ‘Counterfeit?’
Policeman in witness box: ‘Yes, m’lud, she had two.’

The judge had just finished telling the prisoner that he was free to go as the jury had found him not guilty of fraud, so the prisoner asked: ‘Does that mean I can keep the money?’

The most difficult task a young lawyer ever had was the evening he spent trying to change a beautiful young lady’s will.

Morris was manager of a local estate agents. One day, he hired a new secretary. She was so good looking and sexy that he decided he just had to try and go out with her, even though this meant he would be doing it behind his wife’s back. He was very surprised how successful he was in his new ‘venture’.
But within a few weeks, he was feeling very unhappy at the way she was working during the day. Her attitude was one of not caring, being rude to clients and coming in to work late. After two more weeks, Morris couldn’t let her behaviour continue and he asked her to come into his office for a little chat.
“Listen, Marlene, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who told you that you could start coming into work late and slacking off?”
Marlene replies, “My lawyer!”

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