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Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
A: About three pounds, including the urn.

When my mother was called for jury duty, she felt confident of her ability to answer the questions asked of prospective jurors. Since I am an attorney, I had filled her in on what to expect. Asked about the occupations of family members, Mom answered, “My son is a lawyer.” As a follow-up, she was asked if she had ever used the services of an attorney. “Only to mow my lawn,” she said.

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.

When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.

“Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beeeeemer!” he whined.

“You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!” retorted the officer. “You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off!”

“Oh my God,” replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was. “Where’s my Rolex?!?”

Q. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?

Q: What is the definition of a “crying shame”?
A: There was an empty seat.



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