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Lawyers are disbarred.

Ministers are defrocked.

Electricians are delighted.

Far Eastern diplomats are disoriented.

Drunks are distilled.

Alpine climbers are dismounted.

Piano tuners are unstrung.

Orchestra leaders are disbanded.

Artists’ models are deposed.

Cooks are deranged.

Dressmakers are unbiased.

Nudists are redressed.

Office clerks are defiled.

Mediums are dispirited.

Programmers are decoded.

Accountants are discredited.

Holy people are disgraced.

Pastry chefs are deserted.

Perfume makers are dissented.

Butterfly collectors are debugged.

Students are degraded.

Electricians are refused.

Bodybuilders are rebuffed.

Underwear models are debriefed

Painters are discolored.

Spinsters are dismissed.

Judges are disappointed.

Vegas dealers are discarded.

Mathematicians are discounted.

Tree surgeons disembark.

You might not be a strategic HR leader if…

… managers in your firm have been conditioned to use the phrase “that sounds like an HR issue” whenever they have a situation they don’t want to deal with.
… your only role at Corporate Leadership Team meetings is to serve donuts and write on the flipchart.
… you think all the important information you need can be found on the HRMS system.
… you believe that being “politically correct” is more important than using common sense.
… you can’t accept the fact that some things just can’t be measured.
… you describe your organization’s goal as “Uh … well … duh … to make money … right?”
… your personal battle cry each morning is “paper, paper, bring on more paper!”
… the top management committee asks to leave the room because they want to discuss “people issues”
… your only copy of the business plan is the one you found in a conference room in 1995.

This notice was found in a London office building. It was dated 1852.

1. This firm has reduced the hours of work, and the clerical staff will now only have to be present between the hours of 6 a.m. and 7 p.m.weekdays.

2. Clothing must be of sober nature. The clerical staff will not disport themselves in raiment of bright colors, nor will they wear hose unless in good repair.

3. Overshoes and topcoats may not be worn in the office, but neck scarves and headwear may be worn in inclement weather.

4. A stove is provided for the benefit of the clerical staff. Coal and wood must be kept in the locker. It is recommended that each member of the clerical staff bring four pounds of coal each day during the cold weather.

5. No member of the clerical staff may leave the room without permission from the supervisor.

6. No talking is allowed during business hours.

7. The craving for tobacco, wine, or spirits is a human weakness, and as such is forbidden to all members of the clerical staff.

8. Now that the hours of business have been drastically reduced, the partaking of food is allowed between 11:30 and noon, but work will not on any account cease!!

9. Members of the clerical staff will provide their own pens. A new sharpener is available on application to the supervisor.

10. The supervisor will nominate a senior clerk to be responsible for the cleanliness of the main office and the supervisor’s private office. All boys and juniors will report to him 40 minutes before prayers and will remain after closing hours for similar work. Brushes, brooms, scrubbers, and soap are provided by the owners.

11. The owners recognize the generosity of the new labor laws, but will expect a great rise in output of work to compensate for these near Utopian conditions.

Put employees into a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them without any instruction and check back on them in two hours.

* If they have taken the table apart…
…assign them to engineering.

* If they are counting butts in the ashtray…
…put them in finance.

* If they are talking to the chairs…
…assign them to personnel.

* If they are sleeping…
…they are management material.

* If they do not notice when you walk in…
…place them in security.

* And if they have left early…
…put them in sales.

Q: How much time can I spend going to the bathroom?
A: As long as it takes.

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