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Chapter 1 – The Resume

Your resume is a crucial document that summarises the essence of your being to a potential employer. You must grab a personnel director’s attention with your sheer, overpowering wonderfulness, or your vitae will wind up lining the bottom of her parakeet’s cage. Write a boring resume and you might as well run down now and join the other unemployed grads behind the appliance store, fighting for the choicest refrigerator carton to live in.

To grab an employer’s jaded eye you must create the written equivalent of a banshee wail! Print your resume on hunter’s orange paper, so it nearly leaps out of the stack. Experiment with striking fonts, and use as many as possible. Writing your name in 2 inch high 3-D Western style letters at the top says “Check ME out! I’m no shrinking violet!” Sprinkle a bit of your most sensual cologne on the sheet, and ladies, be sure to add a good lipstick smooch mark at the bottom. Don’t forget your picture, too! Be sure and staple several of your best 8×10 glossies from Glamour Shots on top.

Now that you’ve achieved that visceral “oomph”, it’s time to polish the contents to bring out or even invent your positive qualities. Remember, a skilled wordsmith can transform any qualification or attribute, no matter how trifling, into a saleable skill. Let’s look at some examples of putting the best “spin” on a job seeker’s skills:

“I flipped burgers for three weeks at Lardee’s.”
A mere burger flipper? Why sell yourself so short? Describe yourself as a “Grill Co-ordinator”, or perhaps a “Culinary Technician”.

“I subbed in for my nephew’s paper route one weekend.”
Ah! So you were previously employed in “Communication Services!” Describe yourself as a “Journalism Representative.”

“I spent the last five years sitting on a couch eating Cheetos and watching Charlie’s Angels reruns.”
You can transform the pathetic into the energetic by referring to yourself as a “Consumer Broadcasting Specialist.” Let them know how much time you’ve wisely invested in “Popular Drama Studies.”

“I worked in telemarketing.”
Die you scumbag.

“I like to drink 3 or 4 bottles of Night Train wine and pass out in a puddle of my own urine.”
I see! An “Alternative Hygiene Researcher” who throws himself into his work!

Always remember to use active, “can-do” language in your resume, and be sure to include as many of the following terms as possible:

1) Excellence (can’t get enough of this one!)
2) Goal-oriented
3) Forward-thinking
4) Like Working with People (as opposed to zoo animals)
5) Striving (everyone likes a striver!)

It may be useful to define these as keyboard macros immediately.

Chapter 2 – The Interview

So now you’ve got that big chance to shine in person. Once again, you’ve got to stand out from the crowd! First, consider your apparel carefully. Gold lame harem pants will leave a lasting impression, as will a nice fish or penis tie, available in classier novelty stores. Make these items staples of your professional wardrobe. Next, practice that handshake, and consider adding a little thumb twist manoeuvre or a good high-five. And remember, no one likes shaking dry, chapped hands, so make sure yours are damp when you leave the restroom. Now jump right in, and distinguish yourself with your first words.

Here’s some suggestions for opening lines:

“The voices told me I’m perfect for this job.”
“I can make an impressive incendiary device from just your tie, that pen, and a quart of anti-freeze.”
“Maybe you can’t tell, but I’m not wearing any underwear.”
“Let’s make this fast, I’m late for my medication.”
“The foil wrapped around my head is to block out invisible rays.”
“I was once abducted by a UFO, and the aliens let me pilot their Starship.”
“I brought my invisible friend, is that okay?”
“I have the gift of second sight, and if you step on Flight 109, it will be your last!”

Now that you’ve made a big impression, make sure you’ll have plenty of time to expound upon your finer qualities. Consider handcuffing yourself to the interviewer’s desk, or perhaps smear super-glue on your hand and grab them while shouting “Wonder twin powers, activate!”

Conclude the interview as notably as you began it. A gratuity is always welcome, so palm the interviewer a crisp new dollar in the closing handshake while saying “Guess Mr. Washington and I have this job wrapped up, huh? (wink, wink)” And certainly don’t forget the follow-up! Unless a restraining order has been obtained by the employer, call collect every hour thereafter to remind them of your sincerity.

If a train station is where the train stops and a bus station is where the bus stops, what is a work station?

Two women were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business.
“I started a new practice last year,” the first one said. “I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months.”
“Why in the world would you do that?” the other asked.
She responded, “It’s the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without.”

What happens when people of different occupations get old.

- Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.

- Old actors never die, they just drop apart.

- Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.

- Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.

- Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.

- Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.

- Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.

- Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.

- Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.

- Old cashiers never die, they just check out.

- Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.

- Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.

- Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.

- Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.

- Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.

- Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.

- Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.

- Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.

- Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.

- Old garagemen never die, they just retire.

- Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.

- Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.

- Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.

- Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.

- Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.

- Old investors never die, they just roll over.

- Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.

- Old knights in chain mail never die, they just shuffle off their metal coils.

- Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.

- Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.

- Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.

- Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.

- Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.

- Old ministers never die, they just get put out to pastor…

- Old musicians never die, they just get played out.

- Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.

- Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.

- Old owls never die, they just don’t give a hoot.

- Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.

- Old perfessers never die, they just lose their class.

- Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.

- Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.

- Old policemen never die, they just cop out.

- Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on….

- Old printers never die, they’re just not the type.

- Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.

- Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.

- Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.

- Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.

- Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.

- Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.

- Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.

- Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.

- Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy.

- Old Soldiers never die. Young ones do.

- Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.

- Old students never die, they just get degraded.

- Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.

- Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.

- Walt Disney didn’t die. He’s in suspended animation.

- Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.

- Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.

Chapter 1 – The Resume

Your resume is a crucial document that summarises the essence of your being to a potential employer. You must grab a personnel director’s attention with your sheer, overpowering wonderfulness, or your vitae will wind up lining the bottom of her parakeet’s cage. Write a boring resume and you might as well run down now and join the other unemployed grads behind the appliance store, fighting for the choicest refrigerator carton to live in.

To grab an employer’s jaded eye you must create the written equivalent of a banshee wail! Print your resume on hunter’s orange paper, so it nearly leaps out of the stack. Experiment with striking fonts, and use as many as possible. Writing your name in 2 inch high 3-D Western style letters at the top says “Check ME out! I’m no shrinking violet!” Sprinkle a bit of your most sensual cologne on the sheet, and ladies, be sure to add a good lipstick smooch mark at the bottom. Don’t forget your picture, too! Be sure and staple several of your best 8×10 glossies from Glamour Shots on top.

Now that you’ve achieved that visceral “oomph”, it’s time to polish the contents to bring out or even invent your positive qualities. Remember, a skilled wordsmith can transform any qualification or attribute, no matter how trifling, into a saleable skill. Let’s look at some examples of putting the best “spin” on a job seeker’s skills:

“I flipped burgers for three weeks at Lardee’s.”
A mere burger flipper? Why sell yourself so short? Describe yourself as a “Grill Co-ordinator”, or perhaps a “Culinary Technician”.

“I subbed in for my nephew’s paper route one weekend.”
Ah! So you were previously employed in “Communication Services!” Describe yourself as a “Journalism Representative.”

“I spent the last five years sitting on a couch eating Cheetos and watching Charlie’s Angels reruns.”
You can transform the pathetic into the energetic by referring to yourself as a “Consumer Broadcasting Specialist.” Let them know how much time you’ve wisely invested in “Popular Drama Studies.”

“I worked in telemarketing.”
Die you scumbag.

“I like to drink 3 or 4 bottles of Night Train wine and pass out in a puddle of my own urine.”
I see! An “Alternative Hygiene Researcher” who throws himself into his work!

Always remember to use active, “can-do” language in your resume, and be sure to include as many of the following terms as possible:

1) Excellence (can’t get enough of this one!)
2) Goal-oriented
3) Forward-thinking
4) Like Working with People (as opposed to zoo animals)
5) Striving (everyone likes a striver!)

It may be useful to define these as keyboard macros immediately.

Chapter 2 – The Interview

So now you’ve got that big chance to shine in person. Once again, you’ve got to stand out from the crowd! First, consider your apparel carefully. Gold lame harem pants will leave a lasting impression, as will a nice fish or penis tie, available in classier novelty stores. Make these items staples of your professional wardrobe. Next, practice that handshake, and consider adding a little thumb twist manoeuvre or a good high-five. And remember, no one likes shaking dry, chapped hands, so make sure yours are damp when you leave the restroom. Now jump right in, and distinguish yourself with your first words.

Here’s some suggestions for opening lines:

“The voices told me I’m perfect for this job.”
“I can make an impressive incendiary device from just your tie, that pen, and a quart of anti-freeze.”
“Maybe you can’t tell, but I’m not wearing any underwear.”
“Let’s make this fast, I’m late for my medication.”
“The foil wrapped around my head is to block out invisible rays.”
“I was once abducted by a UFO, and the aliens let me pilot their Starship.”
“I brought my invisible friend, is that okay?”
“I have the gift of second sight, and if you step on Flight 109, it will be your last!”

Now that you’ve made a big impression, make sure you’ll have plenty of time to expound upon your finer qualities. Consider handcuffing yourself to the interviewer’s desk, or perhaps smear super-glue on your hand and grab them while shouting “Wonder twin powers, activate!”

Conclude the interview as notably as you began it. A gratuity is always welcome, so palm the interviewer a crisp new dollar in the closing handshake while saying “Guess Mr. Washington and I have this job wrapped up, huh? (wink, wink)” And certainly don’t forget the follow-up! Unless a restraining order has been obtained by the employer, call collect every hour thereafter to remind them of your sincerity.



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