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A business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following:

HELP WANTED
MUST BE ABLE TO TYPE, HAVE COMPUTER SKILLS, AND BE BILINGUAL.
WE ARE AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITY EMPLOYER.

A dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined a bit.
Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on a chair and stared at the manager. The manager said “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.”
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back up on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The sign also says you have to be good with a computer.”
The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect spreadsheet that worked flawlessly the first time.
By this time, the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can’t give you the job.”
The dog jumped down and went over to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentence about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said “Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual.”
The dog looked at that manager calmly and said, “Meow.”

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so a blonde went in to try out for the job. “Okay,” the sheriff drawled, “what is 1 and 1?”
“Eleven,” she replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, “That’s not what I meant, but she’s right.” “What two days of the week start with the letter ‘T’?”
“Today and tomorrow.”
He was again surprised that the blonde supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
“Now, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?”
The blonde looked a little surprised herself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, “I don’t know.”
“Well, why don’t you go home and work on that one for a while?”
So, the blonde wandered over to the beauty parlor, where her pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. The blonde was exultant. “It went great! First day on the job and I’m already working on a murder case!”

An applicant was being interviewed for admission to a prominent medical school. “Tell me,” inquired the interviewer, “where do you expect to be ten years from now?”
“Well, let’s see,” replied the student. “It’s Wednesday afternoon. I guess I’ll be on the golf course by now.”

TO: ALL PERSONNEL

FROM: ACCOUNTING

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of “Miscellaneous Unproductive Time” (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.

Thank you,
Accounting

Attached: Extended Job-Code List Code and Explanation

* 5316 Useless Meeting
* 5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting
* 5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
* 5319 Waiting for Break
* 5320 Waiting for Lunch
* 5321 Waiting for End of Day
* 5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
* 5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not Present
* 5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
* 5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning
* 5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid
* 5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You
* 5481 Buying Snack
* 5482 Eating Snack
* 5500 Filling Out Timesheet
* 5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries
* 5502 Waiting for Something to Happen
* 5503 Scratching Yourself
* 5504 Sleeping
* 5510 Feeling Bored
* 5600 Complaining About Lousy Job
* 5601 Complaining About Low Pay
* 5602 Complaining About Long Hours
* 5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)
* 5604 Complaining About Boss
* 5605 Complaining About Personal Problems
* 5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining
* 5701 Not Actually Present At Job
* 5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu
* 6102 Ordering Out
* 6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
* 6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food
* 6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
* 6201 Stealing Company Goods
* 6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods
* 6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls
* 6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen Company Goods
* 6205 Hiding from Boss
* 6206 Gossip
* 6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)
* 6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself
* 6211 Updating Resume
* 6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter
* 6213 Out of Office on Interview
* 6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
* 6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
* 6223 Pretending You Like Coworker
* 6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks
* 6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing
* 6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl
* 6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)
* 6602 Complaining
* 6603 Writing a Book on Company Time
* 6611 Staring Into Space
* 6612 Staring At Computer Screen
* 6615 Transcendental Meditation
* 7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least ten minutes)
* 7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone
* 7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone
* 7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone 7403
* Talking With Doctor on Phone 7404
* Talking With Masseuse on Phone
* 7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone
* 7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone
* 7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone
* 7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
* 8000 Recreational Drug Use
* 8001 Non-recreational Drug Use
* 8002 Liquid Lunch
* 8100 Reading e-mail

After 2 years of selfless service, a man realized that he has not been promoted, no transfer, no salary increase no commendation and that the Company is not doing any thing about it. So he decided to walk up to his HR Manager one morning and after exchanging greetings, he told his HR Manager his observation.
The boss looked at him, laughed and asked him to sit down saying; Myfriend, you have not worked here for even one day.
The man was surprised to hear this, but the manager went on to explain.

Manager: How many days are there in a year?
Man: 365 days and some times 366
Manager: how many hours make up a day?
Man: 24 hours
Manager: How long do you work in a day?
Man: 8am to 4pm. i.e. 8 hours a day.
Manager: So, what fraction of the day do you work in hours?
Man: (He did some arithmetic and said 8/24 hours i.e. 1/3(one third)
Manager: That is nice of you! What is one-third of 366 days?
Man: 122 (1/3×366 = 122 in days)
Manager: Do you come to work on weekends?
Man: No sir
Manager: How many days are there in a year that are weekends?
Man: 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays equals to 104 days
Manager: Thanks for that. If you remove 104 days from 122 days, how many days do you now have?
Man: 18 days.
Manager: OK! I do give you 2 weeks sick leave every year. Now remove that14 days from the 18 days left. How many days do you have remaining?
Man: 4 days
Manager: Do you work on New Year day?
Man: No sir!
Manager: Do you come to work on workers day?
Man: No sir!
Manager: So how many days are left?
Man: 2 days sir!
Manager: Do you come to work on the (National holiday )?
Man: No sir!
Manager: So how many days are left?
Man: 1 day sir!
Manager: Do you work on Christmas day?
Man: No sir!
Manager: So how many days are left?
Man: None sir!
Manager: So, what are you claiming?
Man: I have understood, Sir. I did not realise that I was stealing Company money all these days.

Moral :)
NEVER GO TO HR FOR HELP!!!



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