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Q: Do I have to dress as a man every day?
A: No, Saturday, Sunday and national holidays are exempt.

Two women were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business.
“I started a new practice last year,” the first one said. “I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months.”
“Why in the world would you do that?” the other asked.
She responded, “It’s the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without.”

We know there are no dumb questions. Well, actually there are and some of them are asked by CEOs.

Can I issue a policy that no women should be hired for this position? How about waiting until next week? The legal defense funds are a little low now.

How much money do I make? Too much.

Can we cancel the sick people from our insurance? OK, but we’ll have to start with you.

Can you lower my salary while I’m going through my divorce proceedings? I don’t want to have my child-support payments based on this high salary. If it would help, we could stop paying you at all.

Why does HR need a budget? Well, we’re really getting too busy to keep having those bake sales.

Can you train the managers to like their people? Just as soon as we’ve trained them to like you.

Can you find my wife a babysitter? Sure. How much do you pay someone to watch her?

Why does everyone complain that they don’t get to spend enough time with their families? Because it’s hard to help the kids with their homework between 1:00 and 4:00 a.m.

(Holding a W-2 form) What’s this? That’s the little certificate showing that the IRS is a majority shareholder in your income.

Why do we have to control excessive absenteeism? Let’s discuss it when I’m back in the office next month.

The boss called one of his employees into the office. “Rob,” he said, “you’ve been with the company for a year. You started off in the mail room, one week later you were promoted to a sales position, and one month after that you were promoted to district manager of the sales department. Just four short months later, you were promoted to vice-president. Now, it’s time for me to retire, and I want you to take over the company.
What do you say to that?”
“Thanks,” said the employee.
“Thanks?” the boss replied “Is that all you can say?”
“I suppose not,” the employee said. “Thanks, Dad.”

Do HR managers know how to read between the lines?
A lot of prospective employees know how to talk their way through an interview. But do HR managers know how to read between the lines?

Why did you leave your last job?
What they tell you: I felt my talents and abilities were underutilized.
What they really mean: It sucked.

What are your weaknesses?
What they tell you: I’m a workaholic. I just don’t know when to put down my work.
What they really mean: I can’t concentrate for more than five minutes, hate all forms of authority and tend to fall asleep at my desk.

What does the word “success” mean to you?
What they tell you: Success would be knowing I’m making a difference, working with a team of people to make a more profitable enterprise.
What they really mean: It means I don’t have to drag my sorry ass out of bed to kiss yours.

Do you ever get angry with your co-workers?
What they tell you: Nothing angers me more than to see a co-worker not pulling his weight, goofing off or stealing. Yes, sometimes I do get angry with co-workers.
What they really mean: I don’t get angry, I get even.

© 2015