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Q: What’s my astrological sign?
A: I’d say it’s the dodo bird.

A man applied for a job as an industrial spy. Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor.
As soon as the man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the envelope. Inside, a message read: “You’re our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor Personnel Office.”

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 1
RE: Christmas Party

I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.
There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols…feel free to sing along. And don’t be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00pm.
Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets.
This gathering is only for employees! A special announcement will be made by our
CEO at that time! Merry Christmas to you and your family.

Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December
RE: Holiday Party

In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.”
The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating Reconciliation Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No
Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.

Happy now?

Happy Holidays to you and your family.

Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table … you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, “AA Only”; you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?
Somebody?
Forget about the gifts exchange, no gifts exchange are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives believe $10.00 is a little chintzy.

NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party!
Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off
on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in little foil doggy baggy.
Will that work? Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the
restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other.
Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men’s table. To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross dressing allowed though.
We will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first.
There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply “No Sugar” desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?

Patty

FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO : All Employees
DATE: December 10
RE: The #$%*!@% Holiday Party

Vegetarians?!?!?!? I’ve had it with you people!!! We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it, and you’ll get your #$%^&*! salad bar, including organic tomatoes.
But you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them. I’ve
heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die, you hear me!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!

The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!

FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
TO : All Employees
DATE: December 14
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party

I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.

Happy Holidays!

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.

I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.

Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t care.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.

Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

No, my powers can only be used for good.

How about never? Is never good for you?

I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me

You sound reasonable…Time to up my medication

I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.

I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.

Who me? I just wander from room to room.

My toys! My toys! I can’t do this job without my toys!

At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

A blonde goes in to apply for a job and she fills out an application. She takes it up to the man and he says you forgot three blanks. He asks how old are you, so she counts on her fingers and finally reaches 22, okay then how tall are you so she tries to measure herself she says 5’2, okay then what is your name, she nodes her head back and forth for a few seconds and says Jennifer. He says okay I get how you got your age and you height, but how did you get your name by nodding your head back and forth, she says I was singing “Happy birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, Happy Birthday dear Jennifer.



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