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A nervous taxpayer was unhappily conversing with the IRS auditor who had come to review his records. At one point the auditor exclaimed, “Mr. Carr, we feel it is a great privilege to be allowed to live and work in the USA. As a citizen you have an obligation to pay taxes, and we expect you to eagerly pay them with a smile.”
“Thank God,” returned Mr. Carr, “I thought you were going to want cash!”

Q: Why do economists carry their diplomas on their dashboards?
A: So they can park in the (morally/intellectually) handicapped parking.

* Babysitting:
Wow, you sure have been babysitting that trade for awhile! – This means that you are holding a losing trade for a long time, hoping the price will increase enough so you can get out of the trade with an even balance.

* Buying Power:
If that trader gets slammed again, his buying power will dwindle down to nothing! – The total of a trader’s equity and all available margin.

* Crunching:
Hey, watch that stock, it’s crunching through the price level. – This happens when the support of a stock seems non-existent, and the price starts to fall rather quickly.

* Investor:
When you dare to hold the position overnight. – Hey, the market closing in a few minutes, are you going to sell that stock, or become an investor?”

* Jigged Out:
I can’t believe it! I got jigged out on a trade today! – When you’re in a trade, and the market briefly turns around, usually fairly quickly, and you get swindled into closing out the trade.

* Learning Curve:
That trader hasn’t figured out the learning curve yet. – However long it takes you to figure out the rules of the game, and become a profitable trader.

* Melting:
I melted my account today trading IBM – Taking large losses in a short amount of time. This loss is so large that the trader cannot continue to trade anymore.

* Nut:
My trades today didn’t even cover my nut. – A nut is the total cost of commissions on your trades.

* Printing on the “O”:
Wow, that stock’s running, it’s printing on the “O”! – When the trade price is wither below the Inside Bid price or higher than the Inside Ask price. “Overriding” prices indicate tremendous urgency to either buy or sell that stock.

* Scalper:
I wish I could be a great scalper, like him. – A scalper is a high volume trader who is looking for small winners. An example is someone who trades 1,000 shares, and is only looking for 1/4 point or less.

* Slippage:
I hate the slippage in SOES orders. – Market orders that get filled at disadvantageous higher or lower prices.

* Squiggly Lines:
That trader uses a lot of squiggly lines on his chart. – Technical indicators that traders use on their charts to assist in trading.

* Stick:
I bought IBM and it ran up three sticks. – A full point (or dollar).

* Tanking:
Get out of your trade, the market’s tanking! – Used to describe the market when it takes a sharp turn for the worst.

* Whacked:
I got whacked on that trade. – A swift, sharp trade that goes against the trader.

Two stock brokers, Jon and James, head out for their usual 18 holes of golf. Jon offers James a $50 bet. James agrees and they’re off. They shoot a great game. After the 8th hole, James is ahead by one stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. “Help me find my ball. Look over there,” he says to Jon. After a few minutes, neither has any luck. Since a lost ball carries a four point penalty, James secretly pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground. “I’ve found my ball!” he announces. “After all of the years we’ve been partners and playing together,” Jon says, “you’d cheat me out of a lousy 50 bucks?” “What do you mean, cheat? I found my ball sitting right there!” “And you’re a liar, too!” Jon says. “I’ll have you know I’ve been STANDING on your ball for the last five minutes!”

Dear Sirs,

Your letter arrived this morning in an open envelope and it would have given the son and myself pleasure had it not revived in us a melancholy reflection of what has gone before.

You say you thought the account could have been settled long ago, and you could not understand why it hadn’t. Well, here are the reasons. In 1987, I purchased a hay shed on credit. In 1988 I bought a combine harvester, a manure spreader, two horses, a double barrel shifter, two cows and ten razor back pigs, also on credit.

In 1989, the bloody hay shed burnt to the ground leaving not a damn thing. I got no insurance either as the bloody premium had lapsed. One of the horses went lame and I loaned the other one to my brother who starved the poor bugger to death.

In 1990, my father died and my brother was put away when he tried to marry one of his sheep named Hilda. A knacker got my daughter pregnant and I had to pay him a grand to stop him becoming one of my relatives.

In 1991, my son got the mumps which spread to his balls and he had to be castrated to save his life. Later in the year I went fishing on the Shannon and the bloody boat overturned, drowning two of my sons, neither being the eunuch who was by now wearing his sisters make-up and dresses. Not long after he emigrated to America with the new parish priest. They are now married and trying for children.

In 1992, my wife ran away with a pig jobber from Drumlish and left me with new born twins as a souvenir and I had to get a housekeeper, so I married her to keep down expenses. I had a hell of a job getting her pregnant (to qualify for more children’s allowance). I went to see the doctor. He advised me to create some excitement at the crucial moment so that night I brought my shotgun to bed and when I thought the moment was right leaned out of bed and shot both barrels through the window, the wife shit the bed, I ruptured myself, and the next morning I found I had blown both doors off the barn, shot my best dairy cow and killed the knacker who was in the hay loft with my daughter trying to get more money out of me, which he did because I had to pay for the funeral expenses.

The next year, 1993, someone cut the balls off my prize bull, poisoned the water, and set fire to the house. I was bolloxed and took to the drink and did not stop until all I had left was a pocket watch and a weak bladder. Winding the watch and running for a piss kept me busy for a time. This year I took heart again and bought (on the hire purchase) a bulldozer, tractor and trailer and a new bull. Then the Shannon flooded and washed the bloody lot away, my second wife got V.D. from a land inspector and my last surviving son died from wiping his arse on a poisoned rabbit I had put down for dogs who were worrying the sheep.

It surprises me very much that you say you will cause trouble if I don’t pay up. If you can think of anything I’ve missed I should like to know about it. Trying to get money out of me will be like trying to poke butter up a hedgehog’s hole with a red hot needle.

I’m praying for a cloud of cat’s shit to pass your way and I hope it will fall on you and the bastards in your office who sent me this final demand.

Yours for more credit,

John Murphy.


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