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A visitor from out of town came to a tour in Manhattan. At the end of the tour they took him to the financial district. When they arrived to Battery Park the guide showed him some nice yachts anchoring there, and said, “Here are the yachts of our bankers and stockbrokers.” “And where are the yachts of the investors?” asked the visitor.

1. When I want investment advice, I get it from:

a) The Stock Market Guide to Profitable Investments
b) The Wall Street Journal
c) Complete strangers I run into at the video store.

2. When I wake up in the morning, I:

a) Shower
b) Get dressed.
c) Lift my head off the keyboard and start shorting drug stocks.

3. In order to trade stocks intelligently, one must have a:

a) BA
b) MBA
c) Mouse

4. The last book I read was:

a) Madame Bovary.
b) The Stock Market Guide to Profitable Investments
c) Windows 2000 for Dummies.

5. I go to the doctor:

a) Once a year.
b) Once every two years.
c) When I put my fist through the screen.

6. “GE” is a company that manufactures:

a) Paper
b) Cowboys
c) I have no idea, but I just bought two hundred shares.

7. When I am in a bar and meet a beautiful woman/man who seems to be attracted to me, the first thing I look at is:

a) Her/his face.
b) Her/his body.
c) Bloomberg

8. “Beating the spread” refers to:

a) The way whipped cream cheese is made.
b) The way Honduran peasant women clean their bed coverings.
c) Don’t know/care.

9. “P/E ratio” means:

a) Something to do with, like, stocks and junk like that.
b) The number of times per hour that a day trader has to use the bathroom.
c) Like I care?

10. A “tick” is:

a) A nervous syndrome common to day traders.
b) Something that often lives in a day trader’s hair.
c) These questions are really starting to make me mad, dude!

If you answered (c) to any of the above questions…


You do have what it takes to succeed in the fast-paced, action-packed world of the day traders!

An elderly economics professor is standing at the shallow end of the campus pool. A Coed is standing at the deep end taking pictures. She suddenly drops the camera into the pool. Then she motions for the professor to come to her. He goes and she asks him to retrieve the camera. He agrees and dives in and retrieve its.
Upon returning he says to her, “Why did you ask me to retrieve the camera when there were many younger and more athletic males closer to her?” She replied, “Professor you seem to forget that I’m in your Econ I class, and I don’t know anyone who can go down deeper, stay down longer and come up drier than you.”

Have you ever wondered why people are quick to brag about their income, but refuse to list it all on their income tax?

Have you ever wondered why people refuse to drop a dime in the Salvation Army Drum, but are quick to list significant miscellaneous cash donations for their itemized deductions?

Have you ever wondered why someone refuses to share their age until they get an extra deduction on their tax return?

Have you ever wondered why someone would refuse to discuss their weight – until they think that the cost of dieting can be considered a medical deduction?

Have you ever wondered why child support is such a contentious issue when everyone wants to claim everyone that they ever knew as a dependent?

Have you ever wondered why you can’t complete a form within the IRS suggested time frame?

If you put two investors in a room, you get two opinions, unless one of them is a pump and dumper, in which case you get three opinions.

© 2015