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Auntie Em. Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.

We’re staying together for the sake of the cats.

It’s been lovely, but I have to scream now.

My karma ran over your dogma.

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

This is not an abandoned vehicle.

I don’t lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.

Beautify Texas. Put a Yankee on a bus.

Welcome to Texas, now go home.

It IS as bad as you think and they ARE out to get you.

If you don’t like the news, go out and make some of your own.

Life’s too short to dance with ugly men.

Life’s too short to dance with ugly women.

My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she’s going to leave me … Gosh, I’m going to miss her.

When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case heaven is like the IRS).

I is a college student.

Beer isn’t just for breakfast any more.

Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.

Will Rogers never met a lawyer.

Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law’s face on the back of a milk carton.

So, you think a gallon of gasoline is expensive…??

* Diet Snapple 16oz for $1.29 = $10.32 per gallon

* Lipton Ice Tea 16oz for $1.19 = $9.52 per gallon

* Gatorade 20oz for $1.59 = $10.17 per gallon

* Ocean Spray 16oz for $1.25 = $10.00 per gallon

* Pint of milk 16oz for $1.59 = $12.72 per gallon

* STP Brake Fluid 12oz for $3.15 = $33.60 per gallon

* Vick’s Nyquil 6oz for $8.35 = $178.13 per gallon

* Pepto Bismol 4oz for $3.85 = $123.20 per gallon

* Whiteout 7oz for $1.39 = $25.42 per gallon

* Scope 1.5oz for $0.99 = $84.48 per gallon

And this is the REAL KICKER…

* Evian water 9oz for $1.49 = $ 21.19 per gallon
$21.19 FOR WATER!!

So next time you’re at the pump, be glad your car doesn’t run on Nyquil or Scope, Whiteout or water!!!

A young bloke has started work on a property, and the boss sends him up the back paddocks to do some fencing work, but come evening he’s half an hour late. The boss gets on the CB radio to check if he’s all right.

“I’ve got a problem, Boss. I’m stuck ‘ere. I’ve hit a pig!”

“Ah well, these things happen sometimes,” the boss says.

“Just drag the carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the dark.”

“But he’s not dead, boss. He’s gotten tangled up on the bull bar, and I’ve tried to untangle him, but he’s kicking and squealing, and he’s real big boss. I’m afraid he’s gonna hurt me!”

“Never mind,” says the boss. “There’s a .303 under the tarp in the back. Get that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass off the road and come on home.”

“Okay, boss.”

Another half an hour goes by, but there’s still not a peep from the young fella. The boss gets back on the CB. “What’s the problem, son?”

“Well, I did what you said boss, but I’m still stuck.”

“What’s up? Did you drag the pig off the road like I said?”

“Yeah boss, but his motorcycle is still jammed under the truck.”

A man in a hurry to get to work at the circus was speeding and got stopped by the Highway Patrol. The patrolman was suspicious and asked the driver to open the trunk for a routine search. To his surprise, there were dozens of large knives in the trunk. The driver began to explain that he juggled the knives at the circus and was running late for the show.

The patrolman asked for a demonstration to prove it, so the driver began to juggle. Just at this moment a couple passed by on the interstate and observed this strange scene.

The woman remarked, “My, my! Those sobriety tests get harder every year, don’t they?”

I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.

Don’t take life too seriously, you won’t get out alive.

You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.

Horn broken, watch for fist.

How can I be overdrawn, I still have checks?!

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Prevent inbreeding: ban country music.

Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t.

All generalizations are false.

OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else!



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