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It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Don’t steal. The government hates competition.

Is there life before coffee?

Never play leap frog with a unicorn.

Forget about World Peace…Visualize using your turn signal.

The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.

I Cayman went.

My other wife is beautiful.

I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?

Don’t laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle.

Nuke the unborn baby whales.

Friends don’t let friends drive naked.

Save California; when you leave take someone with you.

I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.

There’s one in every crowd and they always find me.

If money could talk, it would say goodbye.

When you’re in love, you’re at the mercy of a stranger.

Just when you think you’ve won the rat race along come faster rats.

If it’s too loud, you’re too old.

Wink. I’ll do the rest.

A man in a hurry to get to work at the circus was speeding and got stopped by the Highway Patrol. The patrolman was suspicious and asked the driver to open the trunk for a routine search. To his surprise, there were dozens of large knives in the trunk. The driver began to explain that he juggled the knives at the circus and was running late for the show.

The patrolman asked for a demonstration to prove it, so the driver began to juggle. Just at this moment a couple passed by on the interstate and observed this strange scene.

The woman remarked, “My, my! Those sobriety tests get harder every year, don’t they?”

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads “low bridge ahead.” Before he knows it the bridge is right a head of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?”

The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”

The following are reported to be taken from actual insurance claims:
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out the way when I struck the front end.

The accident was caused by me waving to the man I hit last week.

I knocked over a man, he admitted it was his fault as he’d been knocked over before.
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intent.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.

I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no sign had ever appeared before, making me unable to avoid the accident.

I told the police I was not injured, but upon removing my hair, I found that I had a fractured skull.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.

I saw a slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road, and was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

The pedestrian had no idea which way to run, so I ran over him.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.

Peter Ludwig, a caver from Austria who is appalled by American driving
habits, offers the following advice:

The probability of being involved in a traffic accident is directly
proportional to time spent on the road. Driving fast decreases one’s
exposure.

One third of traffic accidents are caused by drunk drivers; two thirds
are caused by non-drunk drivers.

Therefore, the safest way to drive is drunk and VERY fast.



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