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It was midnight and it was a cold night in Golders Green when all of a sudden a burglar alarm goes off. The police are immediately called and surprisingly arrive just in time to catch the thief as he is leaving the jewellers with a bag full of Rolex watches and other valuable items. When he is brought to the police station, the officer on duty immediately recognises him. He is known as Morris the Catman. One week later, Morris appears in Court.
“Did you have an accomplice?” the judge asks him.
“What’s an accomplice?” asks Morris.
“A partner,” replies the judge. “In other words, did you commit this crime by yourself?”
“Of course, what else?” says Morris, “Who can get reliable help these days?”

Late one night in Washington, DC, a mugger jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
“Give me all your money,” he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, “You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!”
“In that case,” replied the thief, “give me MY money!”

One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost. For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle, killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species.
At court, he plead innocent to the charges against him claiming that if he didn’t eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor.
In the judges closing statement he asked the man, “I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it. What did it taste like?”
The man answered, “Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl.”

Q. What do prisoners use to call each other?
A. Cell phones.

Two men on death row were scheduled for back to back executions. On the appointed day, the warden asked each if he had a last request. “Yes, sir,” the first man said. “I’d really like to hear some rap music one last time.”

“And you?” the warden asked the other.

“Please,” the second man pleaded, “Kill me first!”

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