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* Inmates who don’t flush after eating chili for lunch.

* Inmates who look like the sperm used to conceive them was 100% steroids.

* Coming up with one too many during a head count.

* Having to break up a fight in the shower.

* Being asked to be the bridesmaid when two inmates tie the knot.

* Recognizing the newest inmate as your proctologist.

* The fact that inmates get more cable channels than you do at home.

* Having a new neighbor move in next door who looks wa-a-a-y to familiar.

* Being on a first-name basis with a serial sex killer.

* Finding a hole in your glove after completing a body cavity search.

* Learning that your mother just announced her engagement to # 93A44274.

It was midnight and it was a cold night in Golders Green when all of a sudden a burglar alarm goes off. The police are immediately called and surprisingly arrive just in time to catch the thief as he is leaving the jewellers with a bag full of Rolex watches and other valuable items. When he is brought to the police station, the officer on duty immediately recognises him. He is known as Morris the Catman. One week later, Morris appears in Court.
“Did you have an accomplice?” the judge asks him.
“What’s an accomplice?” asks Morris.
“A partner,” replies the judge. “In other words, did you commit this crime by yourself?”
“Of course, what else?” says Morris, “Who can get reliable help these days?”

Late one night in Washington, DC, a mugger jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
“Give me all your money,” he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, “You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!”
“In that case,” replied the thief, “give me MY money!”

One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost. For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished. Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle, killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species.
At court, he plead innocent to the charges against him claiming that if he didn’t eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation. The judge ruled in his favor.
In the judges closing statement he asked the man, “I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it. What did it taste like?”
The man answered, “Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl.”

Q. What do prisoners use to call each other?
A. Cell phones.

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