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Two men on death row were scheduled for back to back executions. On the appointed day, the warden asked each if he had a last request. “Yes, sir,” the first man said. “I’d really like to hear some rap music one last time.”

“And you?” the warden asked the other.

“Please,” the second man pleaded, “Kill me first!”

* Inmates who don’t flush after eating chili for lunch.

* Inmates who look like the sperm used to conceive them was 100% steroids.

* Coming up with one too many during a head count.

* Having to break up a fight in the shower.

* Being asked to be the bridesmaid when two inmates tie the knot.

* Recognizing the newest inmate as your proctologist.

* The fact that inmates get more cable channels than you do at home.

* Having a new neighbor move in next door who looks wa-a-a-y to familiar.

* Being on a first-name basis with a serial sex killer.

* Finding a hole in your glove after completing a body cavity search.

* Learning that your mother just announced her engagement to # 93A44274.

* Inmates who don’t flush after eating chili for lunch.

* Inmates who look like the sperm used to conceive them was 100% steroids.

* Coming up with one too many during a head count.

* Having to break up a fight in the shower.

* Being asked to be the bridesmaid when two inmates tie the knot.

* Recognizing the newest inmate as your proctologist.

* The fact that inmates get more cable channels than you do at home.

* Having a new neighbor move in next door who looks wa-a-a-y to familiar.

* Being on a first-name basis with a serial sex killer.

* Finding a hole in your glove after completing a body cavity search.

* Learning that your mother just announced her engagement to # 93A44274.

It was midnight and it was a cold night in Golders Green when all of a sudden a burglar alarm goes off. The police are immediately called and surprisingly arrive just in time to catch the thief as he is leaving the jewellers with a bag full of Rolex watches and other valuable items. When he is brought to the police station, the officer on duty immediately recognises him. He is known as Morris the Catman. One week later, Morris appears in Court.
“Did you have an accomplice?” the judge asks him.
“What’s an accomplice?” asks Morris.
“A partner,” replies the judge. “In other words, did you commit this crime by yourself?”
“Of course, what else?” says Morris, “Who can get reliable help these days?”

Late one night in Washington, DC, a mugger jumped into the path of a well-dressed man and stuck a gun in his ribs.
“Give me all your money,” he demanded.
Indignant, the affluent man replied, “You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!”
“In that case,” replied the thief, “give me MY money!”



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