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* All the in-flight meals are missing their dessert squares.

* In between “May I” and “have your attention” there’s a 45 minute pause.

* He’s constantly yelling, “Take that, Red Baron!”

* Shuttle from New York to Boston includes a stopover in Colombia.

* His co-pilot: Robert Downey Jr.

* For the last hour, he’s been riding the beverage cart like a rodeo cowboy.

* Keeps coming on the P.A. to point out clouds that look like his old high school teachers.

* His wings are pinned to his bare chest.

* When you fly over the international date line, he yells, “Dude! We’re, like, time traveling!”

* When he exhales, the oxygen masks drop.

“This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I’d like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.”

“If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.”

“If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.”

“If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.”

“That’s me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message.”

Old world charm means room with no TV, radio and only 1 light.

– Tropical means rainy.

– Majestic setting means a long way from town, at end of dirt road.

– Options galore means nothing is included in the price.

– Secluded hideaway means directions to locate unclear.

– Some budget rooms means sorry, already occupied.

– Explore on your own means at your own expense.

– Minutes from… means by plane.

– Romantic means no phone in room.

– Knowledgeable trip hosts … They’ve flown in an airplane before.

– No extra fees means no extras available.

– Bird Watchers Paradise means your car’s paint will never be the same.

– Nominal fee means outrageous charge.

– Standard means sub-standard.

– Deluxe means barely standard.

– Superior accommodations means one complimentary chocolate, free shower cap.

– All the amenities means two chocolates, two shower caps.

– Just Like Home means no maid service.

– Plush means both top and bottom sheets, bed shakes.

– Gentle breezes means in hurricane alley.

– Light and airy means no air conditioning.

– Picturesque means theme park nearby.

– 24-hour bar means ice cubes at additional cost (when available).

– You overhear him say on the intercom, “Hey, Pedro, What’s this gizmo do?”

– For the past two hours, you’ve been going straight up.

– He says, “We’re cruising at an altitude of 45 feet.”

– Co-pilot is sitting on his lap.

– When you take off he yells, “Weeeeeeeeee!”

– At some point he announces, “Screw Chicago, let’s go find that Mars observer!”

– He’s wearing a Domino’s Pizza uniform.

– Over P.A. you hear, “Heh, heh, heh, this plane sucks, heh, heh, heh.”

– As you get on the plane you recognize the pilot as the same guy who drove your cab to the airport.

– Keeps referring to the control tower as “Mommy.”

– He keeps pacing up and down the aisle muttering, “So many gauges, so little time.”

– You’re halfway to your destination and he’s still taxiing.

– Announces on the intercom that “We’re now passing over the Grand Canyon or the Panama Canal.”

– During the descent, you’re advised to remain in your seat until the FAA investigators arrive.



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