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A guy walks into the bar carrying a shotgun in one hand, a bucket of shit in the other, and with a cat sitting on his shoulder. He walks up to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender proceeds to pour the man a drink. With that the man throws back his drink, cocks his shotgun, blows away the bucket of shit, which scares the cat off his shoulder, and finally chases the cat out of the bar never to return.

Five days later the man returns; a shotgun in one hand, a bucket of shit in the other, and a cat upon his shoulder. He proceeds to walk up to the bar and orders himself a drink. The bartender, obviously annoyed at having to spend several hours cleaning up all the shit from the man’s last visit, interrupted bitterly, “What the hell do you want?”

“I’d like a drink,” responded the man.

“No way, not after your last escapade,” snapped the bartender.

“But bartender, I’m in training,” replied the man.

“Training! Training for what?” questioned the bartender.

“I’m training to be an airline pilot,” responded the man.

“An airplane pilot?” questioned the bartender, “How do you figure?”

“Well,” added the man, “I go on a trip, I do a little drinking, I shoot a little shit, I chase a little pussy and then I take five days off!”

On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.

“I’m sorry to bother you,” she said, “but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time.”

They don’t sell tickets, they sell chances.

All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.

Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.

You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.

Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.

The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, “Just once.”

No movie. Don’t need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.

You see a man with a gun, but he’s demanding to be let off the plane.

All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

They don’t sell tickets, they sell chances.

All the insurance machines in the terminal are sold out.

Before the flight, the passengers get together and elect a pilot.

You cannot board the plane unless you have the exact change.

Before you took off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.

The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, “Just once.”

No movie. Don’t need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.

You see a man with a gun, but he’s demanding to be let off the plane.

All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the “in-flight safety lecture” and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

1. From a Southwest Airlines employee: “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.”

2. Pilot: “Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.”

3. After landing: “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”

4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. Whoa!”

5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.”

6. From a Southwest Airlines employee: “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.”

7. “Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you or your money more than Southwest Airlines.”

8. “Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.”

9. “As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”

10. “Last one off the plane must clean it.”

11. From the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight.”

12. This was overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the flight attendant came on the PA and announced, “Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the captain taxis what’s left of our airplane to the gate!”

13. Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”

14. An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, “Thanks for flying XYZ airline.” He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, “Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?”

15. After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant got on the PA and said, “Ladies and gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.”

16. Part of a flight attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of us here at US Airways.”



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