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Old world charm means room with no TV, radio and only 1 light.

– Tropical means rainy.

– Majestic setting means a long way from town, at end of dirt road.

– Options galore means nothing is included in the price.

– Secluded hideaway means directions to locate unclear.

– Some budget rooms means sorry, already occupied.

– Explore on your own means at your own expense.

– Minutes from… means by plane.

– Romantic means no phone in room.

– Knowledgeable trip hosts … They’ve flown in an airplane before.

– No extra fees means no extras available.

– Bird Watchers Paradise means your car’s paint will never be the same.

– Nominal fee means outrageous charge.

– Standard means sub-standard.

– Deluxe means barely standard.

– Superior accommodations means one complimentary chocolate, free shower cap.

– All the amenities means two chocolates, two shower caps.

– Just Like Home means no maid service.

– Plush means both top and bottom sheets, bed shakes.

– Gentle breezes means in hurricane alley.

– Light and airy means no air conditioning.

– Picturesque means theme park nearby.

– 24-hour bar means ice cubes at additional cost (when available).

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: “You know, one of these days the passengers aren’t going to scream, and we aren’t going to know when to take off!”

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax – OH MY GOD!!!”

Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”

A passenger in Coach said, “That’s nothing! He should see the BACK of MINE!”

On a Northwest Airlines flight to Boston during our recent hurricane “FRAN”, the captain did his best to skirt the edge of the storm, but it was a pretty rough ride just the same – rough enough that the flight attendants were ordered to strap themselves into their seats for about half an hour, and many of the passengers were putting the little plastic-lined bags in their seat pockets to good use. When the turbulence finally abated, the flight attendants unbuckled themselves, and the captain’s voice came on over the intercom.

“Well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn’t it? But we came through it fine, just the way we always do and I’m happy to report that it looks like the remainder of our trip should be much calmer. On behalf of myself and today’s flight crew, I’d like to thank you very much for your calmness and cooperation, and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in Boston.”

After a short pause and several clicks…… “Damn – whadda bitchin’ ride! Boy – I sure could use a cup of good strong coffee and a blow job, right about now.”

As a stricken stewardess dashed up the aisle to the cabin to inform the captain that his intercom was still on, one of the passengers called after her, “Don’t forget the coffee!”

“This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I’d like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.”

“If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.”

“If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.”

“If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.”

“That’s me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message.”



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