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A guy walks into the bar carrying a shotgun in one hand, a bucket of shit in the other, and with a cat sitting on his shoulder. He walks up to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender proceeds to pour the man a drink. With that the man throws back his drink, cocks his shotgun, blows away the bucket of shit, which scares the cat off his shoulder, and finally chases the cat out of the bar never to return.

Five days later the man returns; a shotgun in one hand, a bucket of shit in the other, and a cat upon his shoulder. He proceeds to walk up to the bar and orders himself a drink. The bartender, obviously annoyed at having to spend several hours cleaning up all the shit from the man’s last visit, interrupted bitterly, “What the hell do you want?”

“I’d like a drink,” responded the man.

“No way, not after your last escapade,” snapped the bartender.

“But bartender, I’m in training,” replied the man.

“Training! Training for what?” questioned the bartender.

“I’m training to be an airline pilot,” responded the man.

“An airplane pilot?” questioned the bartender, “How do you figure?”

“Well,” added the man, “I go on a trip, I do a little drinking, I shoot a little shit, I chase a little pussy and then I take five days off!”

* Takeoff’s are optional. Landings are mandatory.

* If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller. Unless you keep pulling the stick back…then they get bigger again.

* Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

* The propeller is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.

* The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.

* Every one already knows the definition of a ‘good’ landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a ‘great landing.’ It’s one after which you can use the airplane another time.

* The probability of survival is equal to the angle of arrival.

* A helicopter is a collection of rotating parts going round and round and reciprocating parts going up and down — all of them trying to become random in motion. Helicopters can’t really fly — they’re just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.

* Learn from the mistakes of others. You won’t live long enough to make all of them yourself.

* There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing: Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

* The only thing worse than a captain who never flew as co-pilot is a co-pilot who once was a captain.

* It’s easy to make a small fortune in aviation. You start with a large fortune.

* A male pilot is a confused soul who talks about women when he’s flying, and about flying when he’s with a woman.

* Try to keep the number of your landings equal to the number of your takeoffs.

* Asking what a pilot thinks about the FAA is like asking a fire hydrant what it thinks about dogs.

Old world charm means room with no TV, radio and only 1 light.

– Tropical means rainy.

– Majestic setting means a long way from town, at end of dirt road.

– Options galore means nothing is included in the price.

– Secluded hideaway means directions to locate unclear.

– Some budget rooms means sorry, already occupied.

– Explore on your own means at your own expense.

– Minutes from… means by plane.

– Romantic means no phone in room.

– Knowledgeable trip hosts … They’ve flown in an airplane before.

– No extra fees means no extras available.

– Bird Watchers Paradise means your car’s paint will never be the same.

– Nominal fee means outrageous charge.

– Standard means sub-standard.

– Deluxe means barely standard.

– Superior accommodations means one complimentary chocolate, free shower cap.

– All the amenities means two chocolates, two shower caps.

– Just Like Home means no maid service.

– Plush means both top and bottom sheets, bed shakes.

– Gentle breezes means in hurricane alley.

– Light and airy means no air conditioning.

– Picturesque means theme park nearby.

– 24-hour bar means ice cubes at additional cost (when available).

* All the in-flight meals are missing their dessert squares.

* In between “May I” and “have your attention” there’s a 45 minute pause.

* He’s constantly yelling, “Take that, Red Baron!”

* Shuttle from New York to Boston includes a stopover in Colombia.

* His co-pilot: Robert Downey Jr.

* For the last hour, he’s been riding the beverage cart like a rodeo cowboy.

* Keeps coming on the P.A. to point out clouds that look like his old high school teachers.

* His wings are pinned to his bare chest.

* When you fly over the international date line, he yells, “Dude! We’re, like, time traveling!”

* When he exhales, the oxygen masks drop.

On a recent flight, an elderly passenger kept peering out the window. Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing-tip light. Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.

“I’m sorry to bother you,” she said, “but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time.”

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