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– You overhear him say on the intercom, “Hey, Pedro, What’s this gizmo do?”

– For the past two hours, you’ve been going straight up.

– He says, “We’re cruising at an altitude of 45 feet.”

– Co-pilot is sitting on his lap.

– When you take off he yells, “Weeeeeeeeee!”

– At some point he announces, “Screw Chicago, let’s go find that Mars observer!”

– He’s wearing a Domino’s Pizza uniform.

– Over P.A. you hear, “Heh, heh, heh, this plane sucks, heh, heh, heh.”

– As you get on the plane you recognize the pilot as the same guy who drove your cab to the airport.

– Keeps referring to the control tower as “Mommy.”

– He keeps pacing up and down the aisle muttering, “So many gauges, so little time.”

– You’re halfway to your destination and he’s still taxiing.

– Announces on the intercom that “We’re now passing over the Grand Canyon or the Panama Canal.”

– During the descent, you’re advised to remain in your seat until the FAA investigators arrive.

“This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I’d like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.”

“If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.”

“If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.”

“If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.”

“That’s me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message.”

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax – OH MY GOD!!!”

Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”

A passenger in Coach said, “That’s nothing! He should see the BACK of MINE!”

In light of the recent arrest of 58 American Airlines employees for drug and weapons smuggling, here is a top ten list of new American Airlines slogans.

10) Fly Higher.

9) We’re the Official Airline of the Cali Cartel.

8) We now serve one more type of coke.

7) Try our new coffee flavor: Heroin Hazelnut.

6) Our overhead bins can hold most firearms.

5) Ship 110 pounds of cocaine, pay for only 100.

4) If you have to wait on line, we’ll give you a line.

3) Use your frequent flyer miles to post bail.

2) Meet our new spokesman, George W. Bush.

1) All our flights are smoking flights!

A guy walks into the bar carrying a shotgun in one hand, a bucket of shit in the other, and with a cat sitting on his shoulder. He walks up to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender proceeds to pour the man a drink. With that the man throws back his drink, cocks his shotgun, blows away the bucket of shit, which scares the cat off his shoulder, and finally chases the cat out of the bar never to return.

Five days later the man returns; a shotgun in one hand, a bucket of shit in the other, and a cat upon his shoulder. He proceeds to walk up to the bar and orders himself a drink. The bartender, obviously annoyed at having to spend several hours cleaning up all the shit from the man’s last visit, interrupted bitterly, “What the hell do you want?”

“I’d like a drink,” responded the man.

“No way, not after your last escapade,” snapped the bartender.

“But bartender, I’m in training,” replied the man.

“Training! Training for what?” questioned the bartender.

“I’m training to be an airline pilot,” responded the man.

“An airplane pilot?” questioned the bartender, “How do you figure?”

“Well,” added the man, “I go on a trip, I do a little drinking, I shoot a little shit, I chase a little pussy and then I take five days off!”

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