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In light of the recent arrest of 58 American Airlines employees for drug and weapons smuggling, here is a top ten list of new American Airlines slogans.

10) Fly Higher.

9) We’re the Official Airline of the Cali Cartel.

8) We now serve one more type of coke.

7) Try our new coffee flavor: Heroin Hazelnut.

6) Our overhead bins can hold most firearms.

5) Ship 110 pounds of cocaine, pay for only 100.

4) If you have to wait on line, we’ll give you a line.

3) Use your frequent flyer miles to post bail.

2) Meet our new spokesman, George W. Bush.

1) All our flights are smoking flights!

A guy walks into the bar carrying a shotgun in one hand, a bucket of shit in the other, and with a cat sitting on his shoulder. He walks up to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender proceeds to pour the man a drink. With that the man throws back his drink, cocks his shotgun, blows away the bucket of shit, which scares the cat off his shoulder, and finally chases the cat out of the bar never to return.

Five days later the man returns; a shotgun in one hand, a bucket of shit in the other, and a cat upon his shoulder. He proceeds to walk up to the bar and orders himself a drink. The bartender, obviously annoyed at having to spend several hours cleaning up all the shit from the man’s last visit, interrupted bitterly, “What the hell do you want?”

“I’d like a drink,” responded the man.

“No way, not after your last escapade,” snapped the bartender.

“But bartender, I’m in training,” replied the man.

“Training! Training for what?” questioned the bartender.

“I’m training to be an airline pilot,” responded the man.

“An airplane pilot?” questioned the bartender, “How do you figure?”

“Well,” added the man, “I go on a trip, I do a little drinking, I shoot a little shit, I chase a little pussy and then I take five days off!”

On a Northwest Airlines flight to Boston during our recent hurricane “FRAN”, the captain did his best to skirt the edge of the storm, but it was a pretty rough ride just the same – rough enough that the flight attendants were ordered to strap themselves into their seats for about half an hour, and many of the passengers were putting the little plastic-lined bags in their seat pockets to good use. When the turbulence finally abated, the flight attendants unbuckled themselves, and the captain’s voice came on over the intercom.

“Well, folks, that was quite some ride, wasn’t it? But we came through it fine, just the way we always do and I’m happy to report that it looks like the remainder of our trip should be much calmer. On behalf of myself and today’s flight crew, I’d like to thank you very much for your calmness and cooperation, and extend our best wishes for a pleasant stay in Boston.”

After a short pause and several clicks…… “Damn – whadda bitchin’ ride! Boy – I sure could use a cup of good strong coffee and a blow job, right about now.”

As a stricken stewardess dashed up the aisle to the cabin to inform the captain that his intercom was still on, one of the passengers called after her, “Don’t forget the coffee!”

In light of the recent arrest of 58 American Airlines employees for drug and weapons smuggling, here is a top ten list of new American Airlines slogans.

10) Fly Higher.

9) We’re the Official Airline of the Cali Cartel.

8) We now serve one more type of coke.

7) Try our new coffee flavor: Heroin Hazelnut.

6) Our overhead bins can hold most firearms.

5) Ship 110 pounds of cocaine, pay for only 100.

4) If you have to wait on line, we’ll give you a line.

3) Use your frequent flyer miles to post bail.

2) Meet our new spokesman, George W. Bush.

1) All our flights are smoking flights!

* All the in-flight meals are missing their dessert squares.

* In between “May I” and “have your attention” there’s a 45 minute pause.

* He’s constantly yelling, “Take that, Red Baron!”

* Shuttle from New York to Boston includes a stopover in Colombia.

* His co-pilot: Robert Downey Jr.

* For the last hour, he’s been riding the beverage cart like a rodeo cowboy.

* Keeps coming on the P.A. to point out clouds that look like his old high school teachers.

* His wings are pinned to his bare chest.

* When you fly over the international date line, he yells, “Dude! We’re, like, time traveling!”

* When he exhales, the oxygen masks drop.



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