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Q: How do actors traditionally greet one another?
A: “Hi, nice to meet you, I’m better than you.”

Q: How does an actor screw in a light bulb?
A: He just holds it, and the world revolves around him.

Matt’s dad picked him up from school one afternoon. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.
Matt enthusiastically announced that he’d gotten a part. “I play a man who’s been married for twenty years.”
“That’s great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they’ll be giving you a speaking part.”

Q: How do you get an actor off your front porch?
A: Pay him for the pizza.

Q: How many assistant directors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One, but she has to check with the director first to make sure he wants the bulb there.

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