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Related:  Technology (+1816)      

ALPHA – Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for “doesn’t work.”

BETA – Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it’s released. Beta is Latin for “still doesn’t work.”

BIT – A word used to describe computers, as in “Our daughter’s computer cost quite a bit.”

BOOT – What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about your computer skill.

BUG – What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny green computer screen for more than 15 minutes. Also: What computer magazine companies do to you after they get you on their mailing list.

CHIPS – The fattening, non-nutritional food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.

COPY – What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time at your computer and not enough time studying.

CPU – Central propulsion unit. The CPU is the computer’s engine. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel that’s powered by a running rodent – a gerbil if the machine is a old machine, a ferret if it’s a Pentium and a ferret on speed if it’s a Pentium II.

CURSOR – What you turn into when you can’t get your computer to perform, as in “You %@& computer!”

DEFAULT DIRECTORY – Black hole. Default directory is where all files that you need disappear to.

DISK – What goes out of your back after bending over a computer keyboard for seven hours at a clip.

DUMP – The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install your computer.

ERROR – What you made when you first walked into a computer showroom “just to look.”

ERROR MESSAGE – Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for the program’s shortcomings.

EXPANSION UNIT – The new room you have to build on to your home to house your computer and all its peripherals.

FILE -
1. What a secretary can now do to her nails six and a half hours a day, now that the computer does her day’s work in 30 minutes.
2. A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name. It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet – except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.

FLOPPY – The condition of a constant computer user’s stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food (see “CHIPS”).

HARD DRIVE – What you want to do to your tower after it freezes or locks up for the 3rd time in a row … give it a good HARD DRIVE!

HARDWARE -
1. Tools, such as lawnmowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you haven’t laid a finger on since getting your computer.
2. Collective term for any computer-related object that can be kicked or battered.

HELP – What we all need. Actually, it is the feature that assists in generating more questions. When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning anything.

IBM – The kind of missile your family members and friends would like to drop on your computer so you’ll pay attention to them again.

INPUT/OUTPUT – Information is input from the keyboard as intelligible data and output to the printer as unrecognizable junk.

INTERIM RELEASE – A programmer’s feeble attempt at repentance.

MEMORY – Of computer components, the most generous in terms of variety, and the skimpiest in terms of quantity.

MENU – What you’ll never see again after buying a computer because you’ll be too poor to eat in a restaurant.

MONITOR – Often thought to be a word associated with computers, this word actually refers to those obnoxious kids who always want to see your hall pass at school.

PRINTER – A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

PROGRAMMERS – Computer avengers. Once members of that group of high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create “user-friendly” software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies.

PROGRAMS – Those things you used to look at on your television before you hooked your computer up to it.

RETURN – What lots of people do to their computers after only a week and a half.

TERMINAL – A place where you can find buses, trains and really good deals on hot computers.

WINDOW – What you heave the computer out of after you accidentally erase a program that took you three days to set up.

WINDOWS 95 – 32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor, written by a 2 bit company, that can’t stand 1 bit of competition.

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Related:  Technology (+1816)      

PBS Virus: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

Elvis Virus: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy, then self – destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

Ollie North Virus: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.

Nike Virus: Just does it.

Sears Virus: Your data won’t appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks.

Jimmy Hoffa Virus: Your programs can never be found again.

Kevorkian Virus: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

Health Care Virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

George Bush Virus: It starts by boldly stating, “Read my docs… no new files!” on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional virus.

Colin Powell Virus: Makes its presence known, but doesn’t do anything. Secretly, you wish it would.

Bill Clinton Virus: Corrupts your help files by fondling them, then denies anything has happened.

Hillary Clinton Virus: Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later, in another directory.

O.J. Simpson Virus: You know it’s guilty of trashing your system, but you just can’t prove it.

Bob Dole Virus: Could be virulent, but it’s been around too long to be much of a threat.

Bobbitt Virus: Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re – attaches it. (But that part will never work again.)

Oprah Winfrey Virus: Your 200GB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200GB.

Paul Revere Virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack: Once, if by LAN; twice if by C:

Politically Correct Virus: Never identifies itself as a “virus,” but instead refers to itself as an “electronic micro – organism”.

Arnold Schwarzeneggar Virus: Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back.

Dan Quayle Virus: Their is sumthing rong with yor komputer, but ewe cant figyour outt watt!

Federal Bureaucrat Virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

Texas Virus: Makes sure that it’s bigger than any other file.

Adam and Eve Virus: Takes a couple bytes out of your Apple.

Airline Luggage Virus: You’re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

Freudian Virus: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own mother board.

Star Trek Virus: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

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Related:  Celebrity (+963), Technology (+1816)      

Beware of the following new computer viruses!!

ACLU VIRUS
This program abhors the destructive effects of other virus programs, but will energetically defend the rights of pimple riddled 13 year old boys from Skokie, IL to freely distribute them.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS
It takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.

AIRBAG VIRUS
Can only cause harm if you are a petite computer operator who sits too close to the screen. Provides a handy ON-OFF switch in most current release.

AIRLINE VIRUS
You’re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

ALLEN GINSBURG VIRUS
Seemed to come from nowhere. Extremely virulent, yet ineffectual. Attempts to invade all file systems of worldwide media organizations at once. Generates copious, conflicting press reports via an advanced randomly-parsing syntax generator developed by California hackers. Frequently found to have infiltrated expensive Washington restaurants.

APPLE VIRUS
Virus-8, originally planned as a revolutionary redesign of aging but classic virus software, had to be repackaged and simplified after the original attempt failed to keep up with rapidly shifting design goals. Fortunately, the current production version can infect older Macintoshes as well as the latest models.

ALTZHEIMERS VIRUS
It makes your computer forget where it put your files.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS
It terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back!

AT&T VIRUS
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

BILL CLINTON VIRUS
It doubles the files on your hard drive while it states it is decreasing the number of files, increases the cost of your computer, taxes its CPU to maximum capacity, and then uses Quicken to access your bank accounts and deplete your balances.

BILL CLINTON VIRUS #2
It tells you it’s executing any program you want, whether or not it’s on your computer.

Bill Gates VIRUS
This dominant strain searches for desirable features in all other viruses via the internet. It then either engulfs the competing viruses or removes their access to computers until they die out.

CHILD VIRUS
It constantly does annoying things, but is too cute to get rid of.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #1
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2
It runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn’t allow the user to accomplish anything.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS
Thers sumthin rong wit yur kompueter, butt ewe jsut cant figyour out watt.

DIET VIRUS
Allows your hard drive to lose weight by eliminating the FAT table.

DISNEY VIRUS
Everything in the computer goes Goofy.

DOLLY PARTON VIRUS
It sounds pretty good, but you’d swear your monitor looks larger and have more knobs than it used to. DEFLATE.COM removes it.

DONALD TRUMP VIRUS
Harmless unless you use online banking.

ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS
Your IBM suddenly claims it’s a MAC.

ELVIS VIRUS
Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self-destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS
It divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

FREUDIAN VIRUS
Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard or it becomes very jealous of the size of your friend’s hard disk.

GALLUP VIRUS
Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error)

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS
It starts by boldly stating, “Read my text…No new files!” onscreen, proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard disk with new, useless files, then blames it on the Congressional virus.

GEORGE MICHAEL VIRUS
Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup.

GERALDO RIVERA VIRUS
Digs dirt out of your files, but it airs the dirt for all to see. Temporarily disabled with CHAIR.EXE. Similar to Kitty Kelley virus but more generally annoying.

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

HEALTHCARE VIRUS
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4500.

HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON VIRUS
Files disappear, only to mysteriously reappear a year later in another directory.

HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS #2
It turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg overnight.

HOWARD STERN VIRUS
One of the dirtiest viruses around. It writes 4 letter words to all of your files just to annoy the operating system. It also installs an X-rated GIF on your hard drive. Very popular.

HURRICANE VIRUS
It blows away all your files, then tells you the government will help you rebuild them.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS
Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS #2
After depleting your bank account, returns to infect you again! Little footprints appear all over your screen, blocking out information. Unlimited shoe styles.

JANE FONDA VIRUS
It attacks your hard drive’s FAT.

JEFFREY DAHMER VIRUS
Eats away at your systems resources piece by piece.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS
Your programs can never be found again. (unless you work in the basement of the Meadowlands Sports Arena)

JIMMY SWAGGERT VIRUS
When caught, it begs for your forgiveness and to be released.

JOEY BUTTAFUACO VIRUS
It only enters minor files.

KITTY KELLEY VIRUS
A particularly nasty infection. It locates your personal files, activates your modem and spreads the dirt around to all the BBS’s you usually call. Embarrassing.

LEONA HELMSLEY VIRUS
Deletes files smaller than it is.

KEN STARR VIRUS
Developed in early 1990′s at considerable government expense. Claims to be working on one task but can quickly switch functions when the first process bogs down. Only operates on US government computers at this time. Tends to diminish effectiveness of more important programs by hogging most CPU cycles with infinite loops.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS
Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to; as an act of mercy.

LAPD VIRUS
It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in “self-defense.”

LAPD VIRUS #2
This is a reincarnation of the Ted Kennedy Virus but comes with videotape coverage of the crash and the ensuing insanity.

LORENA BOBBITT VIRUS
It turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.

LORENA BOBBITT VIRUS #2
Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it. Unfortunately, the area is permanently disabled.

MAFIA VIRUS
You don’t want it, but you’re afraid to get rid of it.

MARTHA STEWART VIRUS
Takes all your files, sorts them by category and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop.

MCI VIRUS
Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus.

MICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS
It preys on child processors.

MICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS #2
It’s BAD. Computer freaks out when you put flame or Pepsi next to it. Some people think it’s identical to the Latoya Jackson virus because they have both never been seen together.

MICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS #3
Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won’t harm your PC, but trashes your car.

MICROSOFT VIRUS
Virus ’98 is promised for initial Beta release by the second quarter of this year, but recent court actions by the federal government have cast doubt about Microsoft’s ability to incorporate this virus into the main OS in a seamless manner. A.K.A. Windows 98.

MIKE TYSON VIRUS
Leaves its mark on you XXX.GIF files. Quits after one byte.

MONICA LEWINSKY VIRUS
It sucks the juice out of your system, then activates the Independent Counsel virus.

MONICA LEWINSKY VIRUS
This one sucks. A low level virus that enters restricted parts of your file system 36 times yet there’s, like, no record of its activity. When it runs it has no improper relationship with your computer’s executive software yet it’s effectiveness is somehow diminished. See also Ken Starr Virus.

MORAL MAJORITY VIRUS
This modest virus claimed great influence in the 1980′s, but fell behind in features and upgrades and was finally abandoned by it’s developers.

NATIONAL PUBLIC RADIO VIRUS
This virus design used to be quite influential and innovative when it’s original release was publicly funded. After Government funding cuts yanked it’s teeth, the designers sold out to corporate interests and it no longer affects your data much.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS
Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

NEWT GINGRICH VIRUS
It repartitions your hard disk into two volumes yet allocates most of the available resources to the ‘Right’ partition. When attacked by anti-virus software from the ‘left’ partition, it terminates and restarts to continue it’s work as a background process.

O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS
It claims that it did not, could not, and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.

O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS #2
You know it killed your system but you just can’t prove it.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS
It plays a patriotic RealAudio clip while it shreds your files.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS
Claims that if you don’t send it a million dollars, it’s programmer will take it back.

PACIFICA RADIO VIRUS
Last of the In-Your-Face viruses, unmoved by endorsements from the Archer Daniels Midland company. Mainly attacks the hard drives of tin-pot autocrats and entrenched bureaucrats. Occasionally induces narcoleptic trance in the computer operator.

PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS
Your system works fine, but complains loudly about foreign software. Shifts all output to the extreme right of the screen.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS
This revolutionary virus doesn’t horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack – once if by LAN, twice if by C:>.

PBS VIRUS
Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for a tax deductible contribution.

RODNEY KING VIRUS
Just sits there but when it is detected you’d swear the virus scanner was demolishing your entire system.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS
Never calls itself a “virus,” but instead refers to itself as an “electronic microorganism.”

POPE JOHN PAUL VIRUS
Deletes all your dirty files and blesses the rest.

RICHARD NIXON VIRUS
A.K.A. the “Tricky Dick Virus.” You can wipe it out, but it keeps making a comeback. Choice of China.

RICHARD SIMMONS VIRUS
Deletes FAT table.

ROBERT ALTON HARRIS VIRUS
Kills two of your best files but it takes 14 years for un-deletion to rid the viral presence.

RODNEY DANGERFIELD VIRUS
Gets no respect. Only allows data do be displayed as one-liners.

RONALD REAGAN VIRUS
It puts your hard drive to sleep, but if detected, claims it doesn’t remember being there.

RONALD REAGAN VIRUS #2
It saves your data but forgets where it’s stored.

ROSANNE BARR VIRUS
Plays the National Anthem at boot-up. Even worse with a sound card.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS
After several years, the damage caused by this little virus is still unclear. It often displays impressive graphics which have little relevance to the users interests or needs.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS #2
It activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits.

RUSH LIMBOUGH VIRUS
This virus produces an amplified, continuous, babbling sound in Dolby Stereo as it grows to fill all available space on your hard disk. Fortunately, it’s virulence is low as it has difficulty finding willing code fragments that will support it’s replication.

RUSH LIMBAUGH VIRUS #2
Probably the most dangerous virus we’ve ever seen. It occupies 50Mb, complains about all the other files, then eats them. It’s so stupid you don’t take it seriously until it’s too late.

SADDAM HUSSEIN VIRUS
This virus, first developed in the software labs of Western democracies, attacks it’s closest neighbors first and then fragments to hide it’s most virulent components in the hidden folders of your disk drive. As a defense mechanism, it claims that commercial virus detection software insults it’s national dignity, whatever THAT is.

SHARON STONE VIRUS
Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it’s there.

SONNY BONO VIRUS
Just when you get to surfing the web, a firewall appears out of nowhere.

SPICE GIRL VIRUS
Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.

STAR TREK VIRUS
Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

STEVE FORBES VIRUS
All files reported as the same size.

TAMMY FAYE BAKKER VIRUS
Plays “Praise the Lord and Pass the Ammunition!”

TED TURNER VIRUS
Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

TEENAGER VIRUS
Your PC stops every few seconds to ask for money.

TEXAS VIRUS
Makes sure that it’s bigger than any other file.

TIM ALLEN VIRUS
Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact.

TITANIC VIRUS
You get a sinking feeling when your system crashes.

TOBACCO INDUSTRY VIRUS
It contends that there is no reliable scientific evidence that viruses can harm you computer or that it targets adolescent computer users.

TONYA HARDING VIRUS
It turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.

WARREN BEATTY VIRUS
Constantly tries to prove its virility by attaching itself to younger or newer files.

WATERGATE VIRUS
Erases 18 minutes off your tape backup.

WOODY ALLEN VIRUS
It bypasses the motherboard and corrupts a daughter card.

X-FILES VIRUS
All your icons start shape-shifting.

YUGOSLAVIA VIRUS
Immediately fragments into several autonomous parts, then violently tries to reassemble itself for the next 150 years.

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Related:  Military (+607)      

Top Ten Things The Chinese Have Learned By Examining Our Spy Plane

10. American codes can be broken by anyone with a basic understanding of Pig Latin

9. On-board computers were mainly used for Internet casino video poker

8. According to plaque, “When Bush gives order, nod politely, wait to hear what Cheney says”

7. Cockpit full of Colt 45 bottles

6. Mission was to determine if Chinese people can fly like in “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon”

5. “Cloaking device” button only there because pilot’s a “Star Trek” fan

4. Maybe not the best idea to write “Spy plane” on wings

3. The plane’s sole security feature: an angry kitty

2. Plane is so high-tech lavatories feature futuristic blue water!

1. Americans smell like Doritos and Aqua Velva

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Related:  Military (+607)      

Top Ten Things The Chinese Have Learned By Examining Our Spy Plane

10. American codes can be broken by anyone with a basic understanding of Pig Latin

9. On-board computers were mainly used for Internet casino video poker

8. According to plaque, “When Bush gives order, nod politely, wait to hear what Cheney says”

7. Cockpit full of Colt 45 bottles

6. Mission was to determine if Chinese people can fly like in “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon”

5. “Cloaking device” button only there because pilot’s a “Star Trek” fan

4. Maybe not the best idea to write “Spy plane” on wings

3. The plane’s sole security feature: an angry kitty

2. Plane is so high-tech lavatories feature futuristic blue water!

1. Americans smell like Doritos and Aqua Velva

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