Joke's Database
ijokedb.com for sale, click here for price and more info.
     
Have fun searching 100254 jokes and pictures!


Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32429)      

10. In the Star Wars Universe weapons are rarely, if ever, set on “stun”.

9. The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of 20 just to go into warp — The Millannium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a wookie.

8. After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh — After pithy Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell.

7. One word: Lightsaber

6. Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance

5. The Death Star doesn’t care if a world is “M” class or not.

4. Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters

3. Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.

2. The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named “Slave I”

1. Picard pilots the Enterprise through asteroid belts at one-quarter impulse power — Han Solo floors it.

@Star Wars

Share on Facebook!    Share on Twitter!    Share on Reddit!    Share on Stumbleupon!    Share on LinkedIn!    Share on Google!    Share with friends
Related:  Celebrity (+963)      

If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she’d be Bo Ho.

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she’d be Dolly Dali.

If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she’d be Ella Vader.

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she’d be Oprah Chopra.

If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, he’d be Cat Doggy Dogg.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she’d be Olivia Newton- John Newton John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she’d become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she’d be Bea Sting.

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she’d be Liv Ito Beaver.

If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he’d be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he’d be Boog Alou.

If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he’d be G. Ghali G.

Nog (Quark’s brother on “Star Trek: Deep Space Nine”) has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he’d be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.

If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he’d be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.

If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he’d be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then Mr. Lucky, then Martin Short, then football kicker Ray Guy, we could all nod understandingly when we heard Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy.

Share on Facebook!    Share on Twitter!    Share on Reddit!    Share on Stumbleupon!    Share on LinkedIn!    Share on Google!    Share with friends
Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32429)      

So which condom would you use….?

Nike Condoms: Just do it.

Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.

Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.

Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can’t stop.

Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.

Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.

Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a woman.

Macintosh Condom: It does more, it costs less, it’s that simple.

Ford Condoms: The best never rest.

Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.

Dial Condoms: Aren’t you glad you use it? Don’t you wish everybody did?

New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey – you never know.

California Lotto Condoms: Who’s next?

Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.

KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.

Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.

Lays Condoms: Betcha can’t have just one.

Campbell’s Soup Condoms: Mmm, mmm, good.

General Electric Condoms: We bring good things to life!

AT&T Condoms: Reach out and touch someone.

Bounty Condoms: The quicker picker upper.

Microsoft Network Condoms: Where do you want to go today ?

Energizer Condoms: It keeps going and going and going…

M&M Condom: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!

Taco Bell Condom: Get some; Make a run for the border.

MCI Condom: For friends and family

Doublemint Condom: Double your pleasure, double your fun!

The Sears Latex Condom: One coat is good for the entire winter.

Delta Airlines Travel Pack Condom: Delta is ready when you are.

United Airlines Travel Pack Condom: Fly United.

The Star Trek Condom: To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before.

The Dodge Trucks Condom: Built ram tough.

The Marvel Comics Condom: The world’s greatest condoms.

The Gateway 2000 Condom: Let us build one for you today.

The Bud Light Condom: Less filling, tastes great.

The Discover Card Condom: What did you Discover?

The Burger King Condom: Have it your way.

The Volkswagon Condom: Drivers wanted!

The Maxwellhouse Condom: Good to the last drop.

The Denny’s condom: Hot eats and warm seats.

The Kellog’s Corn Flakes Condoms: They’re Grrrreat!

The 7-Up Condom: Never had nerver will.

The Burger King Condom: Takes two hands to handle a wooper.

The Hy-Vee Grocerey Store Condom: A helpful smile in every Isle.

The Hefty Trash Bag Condom: 2 sizes, “Hefty, hefty, hefty” and “Wimpy, wimpy, wimpy.

The Minute Rice Condom: Dinner in a Minute.

The Wal-Mart Condom: Always wear one. Always.

The Ajax Condom: Stronger than dirt!

Rave Condoms: Lasting hold, Soft Feel!

The American Express Condom: Don’t leave home without it.

The Timex Condom: Takes a licking and keeps on ticking.

Sea Doo Condoms: Everybodys doin’ it.

The Milk Condom: Got Milk?

The Texaco Condom: Fill her up.

The Stamp Condom: Lick ‘em ‘n stick ‘em.

The Adidas Condom: All day I dream about sex.

The G.E. Condom: We bring good things to life.

The Lucky Charms Condom: They’re magically delicous.

The Subaru Condom: Proven in the out BACK.

The Miller Light Condom: Tastes great, less filling.

The McDonald’s Condom: Where do you start this thing?

The McDonald’s Condom 2: Billions served.

The Hard Rock Cafe Condom: Self explanitory.

The Charmin Condom: Don’t squeeze the Charmin.

The Thermasilk Condom: Heat activated.

The Winter Green Lifesaver Condom: It sparks in the dark.

The Nyquil Condom: The so you can rest better condom.

The Anti-Persperant Condom: It rolls on.

The China Condom: Fragile,handle with care.

The Bandaid Condom: It’s stuck on you.

The Doctor Condom: On call 24hrs a day.

The Jack in the Box Condom: We won’t make it, til you order it.

The PSA Airline Condom: PSA pulls out on time.

The 4-Wheel Drive Condom: Never lose traction on slippery road.

The Department of Transportation Condom: Always under construction without a detour.

The Snickers Condom: “It’s just nuts.”

The Copenhagen Condom: Always there in a pinch.

The newspaper Condom: Comes everyday.

The U.S.Mail Condom: Nor Rain, nor sleet, It must get through.

The Domino’s pizza Condom: Comes hot and fresh in 20 minutes or less.

The UPS Condom: We’re where you want to be.

The Caress Condom: Before you dress, caress.

The NASCAR Condoms: They are oil slick.

The Virginia Slims Condom: You’ve come a long way baby.

The Cross Your Heart Bra Condom: To lift and separate.

The Energizer Condom: It just keeps coming and coming and coming.

The Dairy Queen Condom: Hot eats, cool treats.

Cornnuts Condom: Bust a nut.

Nabisco Condom: Simply delicious.

Discover Card Condom: Discover what you want.

Share on Facebook!    Share on Twitter!    Share on Reddit!    Share on Stumbleupon!    Share on LinkedIn!    Share on Google!    Share with friends
Related:  Lists (+737)      

New computer viruses you should know about!

AT&T VIRUS – Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS – Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS – This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack – once if by LAN, twice if by C:

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS – Never calls itself a “virus,” but instead refers to itself as an “electronic microorganism.”

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS – Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back.

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS – Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS – Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS – Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).

TEXAS VIRUS – Makes sure that it’s bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS – Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #1 – The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2 – Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn’t allow the user to accomplish anything.

PBS VIRUS – Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

SEARS VIRUS – Your data won’t appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS – Sings you a song (slightly off- key) on boot- up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

STAR TREK VIRUS – Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

HEALTH CARE VIRUS – Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong and sends you a bill for $4,500.

Share on Facebook!    Share on Twitter!    Share on Reddit!    Share on Stumbleupon!    Share on LinkedIn!    Share on Google!    Share with friends
Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32429)      

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she’d be Yoko Ono Bono.
If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she’d be Dolly Dali.
If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she’d be Bo Ho.
If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she’d be Oprah Chopra.
If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, hey! it’s the ’90′s!, he’d be Cat Doggy Dogg.
If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elto John, she’d be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.
If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she’d become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.
If Bea Arthur married Sting, she’d be Bea Sting.
If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she’d be Liv Ito Beaver.
If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he’d be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.
How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he’d be Boog Alou.
If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he’d be G. Ghali G.
Nog (Quark’s brother on “Star Trek: Deep Space Nine”) has no other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license. If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he’d be Nog Nog Hughes Dare.
If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten, then Nathan Hale, she’d be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale.
If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he’d be Jack Handy Capp Paar King.
If Javier Lopez married Keiko the whale, and Edith Piaf married Rose Tu the elephant, they would be Javier Keiko and Edith Tu.
If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.
If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he’d be Woody Wood Peck Hur.
If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married Martin Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we could all nod understandingly when we heard, “Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy.”

Share on Facebook!    Share on Twitter!    Share on Reddit!    Share on Stumbleupon!    Share on LinkedIn!    Share on Google!    Share with friends


© 2015 ijokedb.com