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Saddam Hussein is sitting at home when the phone rings. He picks it up and says “Hello”. The voice at the end of the phone says “Hello Mr. Hussein, it’s Paddy here. I’m just ringing to let you know that we’ve declared war on your country.” SH smiles to himself, “Come on Paddy”, he says, “there’s no point you declaring war on us, you wouldn’t stand a chance.” Paddy replies, “No, no, we’ve had ourselves a meeting, and we’ve decided to declare war on you.”

So SH says, “OK Paddy, now listen, I’ve got an air force of over a thousand planes, what kind of air force have you got to match that? It’d be over in no time.” So Paddy says, “Well my lad’s got himself a hot-air balloon, and my brother used to work at an airport.” Hussein laughs, “Oh come on, you’ve not got a hope”. “Hold on a sec, Mr. Hussein, “, Paddy says, “we’ll just have a quick meeting.” So off he goes and has a quick meeting. “Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we’ve had our meeting, and we’ve decided that we’re still going to declare war.”

So SH says, “Right then Paddy, well you know, as well as the air force, we’ve also got about a thousand tanks. How are you going to match that.” “Well,” Paddy says, “I’ve got an old austin, and my cousin down the road has got a tractor.” “Get real, ” says SH, “that’s no match at all.” So

Paddy says, “Hold on, I’ll just go and have another meeting.” “Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we’ve had our meeting, and we’ve decided that we’re still going to declare war.”

SH thinks this is just amazing, “Well how many soldiers have you got Paddy?”. “Well,” says Paddy, “there’s me, my kid, me 4 cousins, and they all had sons, and there’s Bill down the road…. I reckon I could get together about 30.” Laughing openly now SH replies, “Come on Paddy, I’ve got 10,000 highly trained fighting men at my disposal. I think you’d better go and have another meeting.” “I will”, says Paddy, “I will.”

“Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we’ve had our meeting, and we’ve decided that we’re not going to declare war on you after all.” “At last, ” replies SH, “What made you change your mind?” “Well, it’s those 10 thousand soldiers you see. We can’t declare war on you because we’ve not got the facilities to keep all those prisoners!”

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32430)      

Saddam HUSSEIN of Iraq wanted a special postage stamp issued,
with his picture on it. He so instructed his Postmaster General,
stressing that it should be of international quality.
The stamps were duly released of the stamp, he began hearing
complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and become
furious. He called the chief of the Secret Service and ordered
him to investigate the matter.
The chief checked the matter out at several post offices, and
then reported on the problem to him.
He said:” Sir, the stamp is really of international quality.
The problem is, our citizens are spitting on the wrong side!”

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Related:  Animals (+5195)      

Famous interpretations of “Why did the Chicken cross the road?”

Bill Clinton:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please…

Louis Farrakhan:
The road, you will see, represents the black man.
The chicken crossed the “black man” in order to trample him down!

Colonel Sanders:
I missed one?

L.A Poliece Department:
Give us five minutes with the chicken, and we’ll find out.

Jerry Falwell:
Because the chicken was gay! isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the other side. thats what “they” call it: the “other side”. Yes, my friends the chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too!

Ronald Regan:
What Chicken?

Saddam Hussein:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion, and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it!

ROBERT DE NIRO: Are you telling me the chicken crossed that road? Is that what you’re telling me?

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Marting Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens, be they black or white or brown or red or speckled, will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Grandpa: In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it’s true?

Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. How do you feel about your mother?

Bill Gates: We have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs (only in the proprietary brown_ms.egg format), file your important documents, and balance your chequebook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

The CIA: Who told you about the chicken? Did you see the chicken? There was no chicken. Please step into the car, sir.

Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken.

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32430)      

25. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS – by O.J. Simpson

24. THE ENGINEER’S GUIDE TO FASHION

23. TO ALL THE MEN I’VE LOVED BEFORE – by Ellen DeGeneres

22. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT

21. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA

20. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY – by Dennis Rodman

19. THE WILD YEARS – by Al Gore

18. HOW TO BE A WORLD LEADER – by Saddam Hussein

17. AMERICA’S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

16. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS

15. DETROIT – A TRAVEL GUIDE

14. DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB

13. DR. KEVORKIAN’S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

12. EASY UNIX

11. ETHIOPIAN TIPS ON WORLD DOMINANCE

10. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

9. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN

8. FRENCH HOSPITALITY

7. GEORGE FOREMAN’S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES

6. HOW TO SUSTAIN A MUSICAL CAREER – by Art Garfunkel

5. MIKE TYSON’S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES – by the EPA

3. STAPLE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS

2. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

1. THE BOOK OF VIRTUES – by Bill Clinton

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Related:  Kids (+2428), Politics (+3832), School (+377)      

It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said “Give me Liberty, or give me Death?”
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up. “Patrick Henry, 1775.”
“Very good! Who said ‘Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth’”?
Again, no response except from Martinez: “Abraham Lincoln, 1863.”, said Martinez.
The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed. Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.”
She heard a loud whisper: “Screw the Mexicans.”
“Who said that?” she demanded.
Martinez put his hand up. “Jim Bowie, 1836.”
At that point, a student in the back said, “I’m gonna puke.”
The teacher glares and asks “All right! Now, who said that?”
Again, Martinez says, “George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”
Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah? Suck this!”
Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, “Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, “You little shit. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you.”
Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, “Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001.”
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, “Oh shit, we’re in BIG trouble!”
Martinez said, “Saddam Hussein 2003.”

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