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Related:  Military (+607)      

Q: What does Saddam Hussein have in common with Fred Flinstone?

A: They both can look out of their window and see rubble!

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Related:  Politics (+3828)      

I did not do it in a car
I did not do it in a bar
I did not do it in the dark
I did not do it in the park

I did not do it on a date
I did not ever fornicate
I did not do it at a dance
I did not do it in her pants

I did not get beyond first base
I did not do it in her face…oh yes he did

I never did it in a bed
If you think that, you’ve been misled
I did not do it with a groan
I did not do it on the phone

I did not cause her dress to stain
I never boinked Saddam Hussein
I did not do it with a whip
I never fondled Linda Tripp

I never acted really silly
With volunteers like Kathleen Willey
There was one time with Margaret Thatcher
I chased her ’round, but could not catch her

No kinky stuff, not on your life
I wouldn’t, even with my wife
And Gennifer Flowers’ tale of woes
Was paid for by my right-wing foes

And Paula Jones, and those State Troopers
Are just a bunch of party poopers

I did not ask my friends to lie
I did not hang them out to dry
I did not do it last November
But if I did, I don’t remember

I did not do it in the hall
I could have, but I don’t recall
I never did it in my study
I never did it with my dog, Buddy

I never did it to Sox, the cat
I might have once…with Arafat
I never did it in a hurry
I never groped Ms. Betty Currie

There was no sex at Arlington
There was no sex on Air Force One
I might have copped a little feel
And then endeavored to conceal

But never did these things so lewd
At least, not ever in the nude
These things to which I have confessed
They do not count, if we stayed dressed

It never happened with cigar
I never dated Mrs. Starr
I did not know this little sin
Would be retold on CNN

I broke some rules my Mama taught me
I tried to hide, but now you’ve caught me

But I implore, I do beseech
Do not condemn, do not impeach
I might have got a little tail
But never, never did inhale.

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Related:  Kids (+2427), Politics (+3828), School (+377)      

It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said “Give me Liberty, or give me Death?”
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up. “Patrick Henry, 1775.”
“Very good! Who said ‘Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'”?
Again, no response except from Martinez: “Abraham Lincoln, 1863.”, said Martinez.
The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed. Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.”
She heard a loud whisper: “Screw the Mexicans.”
“Who said that?” she demanded.
Martinez put his hand up. “Jim Bowie, 1836.”
At that point, a student in the back said, “I’m gonna puke.”
The teacher glares and asks “All right! Now, who said that?”
Again, Martinez says, “George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”
Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah? Suck this!”
Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, “Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, “You little shit. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you.”
Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, “Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001.”
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, “Oh shit, we’re in BIG trouble!”
Martinez said, “Saddam Hussein 2003.”

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32385)      

25. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS – by O.J. Simpson

24. THE ENGINEER’S GUIDE TO FASHION

23. TO ALL THE MEN I’VE LOVED BEFORE – by Ellen DeGeneres

22. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT

21. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA

20. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY – by Dennis Rodman

19. THE WILD YEARS – by Al Gore

18. HOW TO BE A WORLD LEADER – by Saddam Hussein

17. AMERICA’S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

16. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS

15. DETROIT – A TRAVEL GUIDE

14. DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB

13. DR. KEVORKIAN’S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

12. EASY UNIX

11. ETHIOPIAN TIPS ON WORLD DOMINANCE

10. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

9. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN

8. FRENCH HOSPITALITY

7. GEORGE FOREMAN’S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES

6. HOW TO SUSTAIN A MUSICAL CAREER – by Art Garfunkel

5. MIKE TYSON’S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES – by the EPA

3. STAPLE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS

2. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

1. THE BOOK OF VIRTUES – by Bill Clinton

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