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Related:  Financial (+1218)      

In front of you stand four men: Adolf Hitler, Idi Amin, Saddam Hussein and a stockbroker. You are holding a gun which contains only three bullets. Who do you shoot? Use all three bullets on the stockboker.

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Related:  Technology (+1816)      

Ellen Degeneres Virus — Your IBM suddenly claims it’s a MAC.

Monica Lewinsky Virus — Sucks all the money out of your computer.

Disney Virus — Everything in the computer suddenly goes Goofy.

Mike Tyson Virus — Quits after one byte.

Sharon Stone Virus — Huge initial impact, then you forget it’s there.

Prozac Virus — Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn’t care.

Lorena Bobbit Virus — Turns your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy.

Tim Allen Virus — Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact.

Woody Allen Virus — Bypasses the motherboard and turns on your daughter card.

Saddam Hussein Virus — Won’t let you into any of your programs.

Tonya Harding Virus — Turns your BAT files into lethal weapons.

George Michaels Virus — Runs it’s course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup.

Joey Buttafuco Virus — Only attacks minor files.

X-files Virus — All your icons start shape shifting.

Spice Girls Virus — Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.

Ronald Regan Virus — Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

Dr. Jack Kevorkian Virus — Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.

Sonny Bono Virus — Just when you get surfing the web, a firewall appears out of nowhere.

Martha Stewart Virus — Takes all your files, sorts them by category, and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop.

Opra Winfrey Virus — Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

AT&T Virus — Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI Virus — Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus — Terminates and stays resident. It will be back….

Found by the Tamster in Daily Humor.

Bobbit Virus — Removes a vital part of your hard disk, then reattaches it. Unfortunately, the area is permanently disabled.

Politically Correct Virus — Never calls itself a “virus,” but instead refers to itself as an “electronic microorganism.”

Right To Life Virus — Won’t allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a consultant about possible alternatives.

Ross Perot Virus — Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.

Ted Turner Virus — Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

Dan Quayle Virus — Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining a binary network.

Government Economist Virus — Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

New World Order Virus — Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Federal Bureaucrat Virus — Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

Gallup Virus — Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error.)

Texas Virus — Makes sure that it’s bigger than any other file.

Adam And Eve Virus — Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Congressional Virus — The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Airline Virus — You’re in Dallas, but your data ends up in Singapore.

Freudian Virus — Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard.

PBS Virus — Your programs stop every few minutes asking for more money.

Elvis Virus — Makes your computer get fat and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across America.

Ollie North Virus — Causes your printer to suddenly become a paper shredder.

Found by the Tamster in NetDummy.

Sears Virus — Your data won’t appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.

Jimmy Hoffa Virus — Your programs can never be found again.

Congressional Virus #2 — Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn’t allow the user to accomplish anything.

Kevorkian Virus — Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

Imelda Marcos Virus — Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

Star Trek Virus — Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

Some more found by the Tamster in NetDummy.

Mario Cuomo Virus — It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus 2 — Terminates your session and then disappears. It’ll be back.

Dan Quayle Virus 2 — Thers sumthin rong wit yur komputer, butt ewe jsut cant figyour it out!

Sent in by Anita.

The Clinton Virus — Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.

The Bob Dole (aka: Viagra) Virus — Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

The Lewinsky Virus 2 — Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did.

The Jack Kervorkian Virus 2 — Deletes all old files.

The Ellen Degeneras Virus 2 — Disks can no longer be inserted.

The following were sent in by KiM.

The Survivor Virus — Deletes your files one by one over 13 weeks until only the most annoying one remains.

The Jennifer Lopez Virus — Adjusts screen so that you see a lot of words, but not the ones you *really* want to see.

The Microsoft Virus — Renders your computer virtually useless. Also known by the name “Windows 98.”

The Al Gore Virus — Claims that it *IS* the internet.

The Tiger Woods Virus — Beats the holy crap out of you in every computer game you play.

The Wonderbra Virus — Results in overflow stack.

The Britney Spears Virus — Your partitions mysteriously quadruple in size overnight.

The Firestone Virus — Leaves chunks of its code all over the information highway.

The Kurt Cobain Virus — Deletes itself before it has a chance to do anything important.

The George W. Virus — Causes your CPU to keep executing and executing and executing …

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Related:  Ethnic (+694)      

Saddam Hussein is sitting at home when the phone rings. He picks it up and says “Hello”. The voice at the end of the phone says “Hello Mr. Hussein, it’s Paddy here. I’m just ringing to let you know that we’ve declared war on your country.” SH smiles to himself, “Come on Paddy”, he says, “there’s no point you declaring war on us, you wouldn’t stand a chance.” Paddy replies, “No, no, we’ve had ourselves a meeting, and we’ve decided to declare war on you.”

So SH says, “OK Paddy, now listen, I’ve got an air force of over a thousand planes, what kind of air force have you got to match that? It’d be over in no time.” So Paddy says, “Well my lad’s got himself a hot-air balloon, and my brother used to work at an airport.” Hussein laughs, “Oh come on, you’ve not got a hope”. “Hold on a sec, Mr. Hussein, “, Paddy says, “we’ll just have a quick meeting.” So off he goes and has a quick meeting. “Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we’ve had our meeting, and we’ve decided that we’re still going to declare war.”

So SH says, “Right then Paddy, well you know, as well as the air force, we’ve also got about a thousand tanks. How are you going to match that.” “Well,” Paddy says, “I’ve got an old austin, and my cousin down the road has got a tractor.” “Get real, ” says SH, “that’s no match at all.” So

Paddy says, “Hold on, I’ll just go and have another meeting.” “Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we’ve had our meeting, and we’ve decided that we’re still going to declare war.”

SH thinks this is just amazing, “Well how many soldiers have you got Paddy?”. “Well,” says Paddy, “there’s me, my kid, me 4 cousins, and they all had sons, and there’s Bill down the road… I reckon I could get together about 30.” Laughing openly now SH replies, “Come on Paddy, I’ve got 10,000 highly trained fighting men at my disposal. I think you’d better go and have another meeting.” “I will”, says Paddy, “I will.”

“Are you still there Mr. Hussein? Yes, well we’ve had our meeting, and we’ve decided that we’re not going to declare war on you after all.” “At last, ” replies SH, “What made you change your mind?” “Well, it’s those 10 thousand soldiers you see. We can’t declare war on you because we’ve not got the facilities to keep all those prisoners!”

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Related:  Jewish (+6994)      

Saddam Hussein called President Bush and said, “George, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole country, and on each house I saw a banner.”
“What did it say on the banners?” Mr. Bush asked.
Mr. Bush responded, “You know, Saddam, I am really happy you called. Last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Baghdad, and it was more beautiful than ever. It had been rebuilt completely, and on each house flew an enormous banner.”
“What did the banners say?” Saddam asked.
“I don’t know,” replied Mr. Bush, “I can’t read Hebrew.”

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Related:  Kids (+2428)      

It was the first day of school and a new student named Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American history. Who said “Give me Liberty, or give me Death?”
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Martinez, who had his hand up. “Patrick Henry, 1775.”
“Very good! Who said ‘Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth’”?
Again, no response except from Martinez: “Abraham Lincoln, 1863.”, said Martinez.
The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed. Martinez, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do.”
She heard a loud whisper: “Screw the Mexicans.”
“Who said that?” she demanded.
Martinez put his hand up. “Jim Bowie, 1836.”
At that point, a student in the back said, “I’m gonna puke.”
The teacher glares and asks “All right! Now, who said that?”
Again, Martinez says, “George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”
Now furious, another student yells, “Oh yeah? Suck this!”
Martinez jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher, “Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”
Now with almost a mob hysteria someone said, “You little shit. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you.”
Martinez frantically yells at the top of his voice, “Gary Condit to Chandra Levy 2001.”
The teacher fainted. And as the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, “Oh shit, we’re in BIG trouble!”
Martinez said, “Saddam Hussein 2003.”

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