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Related:  Ethnic (+694)      

1. Generic-looking green van parked across the street with Notre Dame bumper sticker.

2. Every time you turn around the pitter-pattering stops and that green fire hydrant seems to have gotten a little closer.

3. Green lipstick marks on the butt of your Dockers.

4. You’re being followed by a large woman with a sultry voice and a dying career. (Oops! That’s a sign you’re being stalked by Chaka Khan.)

5. You don’t recall owning an anatomically correct lawn gnome.

6. Card delivered with the bouquet of 4-leaf clovers reads, “I bet you’re magically delicious!”

7. When you come home from work, the potatoes are missing from the cupboard and your parrot is singing “Danny Boy.”

8. Prank caller has a really corny Irish accent, and Richard Gere has an airtight alibi.

9. Those tiny green hairs on your toilet seat.

10. Sultry voice from shower soap dish asks, “Is that your shillelagh, or are you just happy to see me?”

11. Pink hearts, yellow moons, blue diamonds scratched on your car at knee-level, and Ross Perot is nowhere to be found.

12. Them little green pellets in the litter box ain’t M&M’s, Chester.

13. Every day this week you’ve noticed the same buckle shoes dangling just above the floor in the stall next to you.

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Related:  Politics (+3828)      

A man was walking along when he spotted a small boy busily constructing something. He approached the boy and was shocked to see him playing with cow manure! For lack of anything better to say, he asked, “Little boy, what ARE you doing?”
The boy replied, “I am making Ross Perot, Mister.”
Now thoroughly taken aback, the man asked, “Why are you making Ross Perot?
Why not make, er, Bill Clinton?”
The boy answered, “Oh no Mister, I can’t make Bill Clinton.”
“But why not?” asked the man.
The boy replied “Well, Mister, there isn’t enough bullshit here to make Bill Clinton.”

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32385)      

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands back to 200MB.
AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack—once if by LAN, twice if by C:
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a “virus”, but instead refers to itself as an “electronic microorganism.”
RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won’t allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counsellor about possible alternatives.
ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.
MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.
TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining into a binary network.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2: Their is sumthing rong wit your komputer, ewe just cant figyour out watt!
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3. 5 percent margin of error. )
TERRY RANDLE VIRUS: Prints “Oh no you don’t” whenever you choose “Abort” from the “Abort” “Retry” “Fail” message.
TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it’s bigger than any other file.
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
AIRLINE VIRUS: You’re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
FREUDIANVIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
ELVISVIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
NIKEVIRUS: Just does it.
SEARS VIRUS: Your data wont appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.
CONGRESSIONALVIRUS #2: Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn’t allow the user to accomplish anything.
KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS: Sings you a song(slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.
STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, “Read my docs. . . . No new files!” on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional Virus.
CLEVELAND INDIANS VIRUS: Makes your 486/50 machine perform like a 286/AT.
LAPD VIRUS: It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in “self defense”.
CHICAGO CUBS VIRUS: Your PC makes frequent mistakes and comes in last in the reviews, but you still love it.
ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS – Claims that if you don’t send it a million dollars, it’s programmer will take it back. Use your virus scan, don’t let any of these viruses happen to your PC!

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Related:  Politics (+3828)      

A man was walking along when he spotted a small boy busily constructing something. He approached the boy and was shocked to see him playing with cow manure! For lack of anything better to say, he asked, “Little boy, what ARE you doing?”
The boy replied, “I am making Ross Perot, Mister.”
Now thoroughly taken aback, the man asked, “Why are you making Ross Perot?
Why not make, er, Bill Clinton?”
The boy answered, “Oh no Mister, I can’t make Bill Clinton.”
“But why not?” asked the man.
The boy replied “Well, Mister, there isn’t enough bullshit here to make Bill Clinton.”

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32385)      

New Computer Viruses!
John Bobbit Virus– Removes a vital part of your hard disk and then re-attaches it. (But it will never work again.)
•Oprah Winfrey Virus– Your 850 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 200 MB, and then slowly expands back to 850 MB.
•Politically Correct Virus– Never calls itself a “virus”, but instead refers to itself as an “electronic micro-organism”.
•Right to Life Virus– Won’t allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.
•Government Economist Virus– Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
•Federal Bureaucrat Virus– Divides your hard disk into thousands of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
•AT&T Virus– Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
•MCI Virus– Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T Virus.
•Sprint Virus– Every 3 minutes it tells you that it’s better than the AT&T and MCI Virus.
•PBS Virus– Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.
•Health Care Virus– Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong with it, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
•LAPD Virus– It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in “self-defense”.
•O.J. Virus– Claims that it did not, could not, and would not delete two of your most important files and vows to find the virus that did it.
•Ross Perot Virus– Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.
•Ted Turner Virus– Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
•Dan Quayle Virus– Their is sumthing rong wit your’re komputer, we jsut can’t figyour out watt.

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