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Related:  Lists (+737), Redneck (+1459)      

You taught your children how to play “Pull My Finger.”
You tell everyone your wife is the reincarnation of Ares, the god of war.
You tell Grandpa he has something in his teeth and he takes them out to see.
You tell your wife to squeal like a pig to start foreplay.
You thing “megabytes” means a good day fishing.
You think “Chablis” is the name of last month’s Playboy centerfold.
You think “Country & Western” covers both types of music.
You think “dual airbags” refers to your wife and mother-in-law.
You think “Dueling Banjos” is classical music.
You think “harass” are two words.
You think “Hooked on Phonics” is a fishing show.
You think “loaded dishwasher” means your wife is drunk.
You think “loading the dishwasher” means getting your wife drunk.
You think “manual labor” is a Spanish ambassadar.
You think “Meals on Wheels” is another name for roadkill.
You think “Old Yeller” refers to your brother’s tooth.
You think “Ross Perot” is how your cousin Ross got out of jail early.
You think “six to ten pounds” on the side of the Pampers box means how much the diaper will hold.
You think “social consciousness” means how well you can hold your liquor.
You think “taking out the trash” means taking your in-laws to a movie.
You think “The Nutcracker” is something you do off the high dive.
You think “trash TV” is something in your backyard.
You think “wind sprints” means running from a fart.
You think 2 Pac Shakur is a Jewish holiday.
You think 401k is your mother-in-law’s bra size.
You think 7-11 is a grocery store.
You think a “thesaurus” was a dinosaur.
You think a “cursor” is someone who swears a lot.
You think a canopy goes under the bed instead of over it.
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
You think a computer hacker carries an axe.
You think a dashboard is the best place to keep your hats.
You think a date is going out mooning people.
You think a hard drive is driving more than one hour.
You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.
You think a lava lamp is erotic.
You think a lavatory is a breed of dog.

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Related:  Technology (+1814)      

* Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty’s address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead.

* You can no longer sit through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

* You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can’t because there isn’t one typewriter in your house – only computers with laser printers.

* You think of the gadgets in your office as “friends,” but you forget to send your father a birthday card.

* You disdain people who use low Baud rates.

* When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers – and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers’ questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.

* You use the phrase “digital compression” in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

* You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase “digital compression.” Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don’t have to explain it.

* You know Bill Gates’ e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.

* You stop saying “phone number” and replace it with “voice number,” since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

* You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.

* Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-).

* You back up your data every day.

* Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse.

* You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

* On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

* The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.

* You are able to argue persuasively that Ross Perot’s phrase “electronic town hall” makes more sense than the term “information superhighway,” but you don’t because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.

* You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.

* You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

* You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it’s okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.

* You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter and three-and-a-half-inch sizes.

* Al Gore strikes you as an “intriguing” fellow.

* You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are.

* While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.

* You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say “I don’t know” when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.

* You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

* You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.

* You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better – the track ball or the track *pad*.

* You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don’t use a laptop.

* You email this message to your friends over the net. You’d never get around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these people face-to-face.

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Related:  Technology (+1814)      

* Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty’s address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write *is* letterhead.

* You can no longer sit through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

* You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can’t because there isn’t one typewriter in your house – only computers with laser printers.

* You think of the gadgets in your office as “friends,” but you forget to send your father a birthday card.

* You disdain people who use low Baud rates.

* When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers – and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers’ questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.

* You use the phrase “digital compression” in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

* You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase “digital compression.” Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don’t have to explain it.

* You know Bill Gates’ e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.

* You stop saying “phone number” and replace it with “voice number,” since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

* You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.

* Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-).

* You back up your data every day.

* Your wife asks you to pick up some minipads for her at the store and you return with a rest for your mouse.

* You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

* On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

* The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.

* You are able to argue persuasively that Ross Perot’s phrase “electronic town hall” makes more sense than the term “information superhighway,” but you don’t because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.

* You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.

* You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

* You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it’s okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.

* You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter and three-and-a-half-inch sizes.

* Al Gore strikes you as an “intriguing” fellow.

* You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are.

* While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.

* You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say “I don’t know” when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.

* You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

* You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.

* You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better – the track ball or the track *pad*.

* You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don’t use a laptop.

* You email this message to your friends over the net. You’d never get around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these people face-to-face.

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Related:  Irish (+51), Travel (+293)      

1. Generic-looking green van parked across the street with Notre Dame bumper sticker.

2. Every time you turn around the pitter-pattering stops and that green fire hydrant seems to have gotten a little closer.

3. Green lipstick marks on the butt of your Dockers.

4. You’re being followed by a large woman with a sultry voice and a dying career. (Oops! That’s a sign you’re being stalked by Chaka Khan.)

5. You don’t recall owning an anatomically correct lawn gnome.

6. Card delivered with the bouquet of 4-leaf clovers reads, “I bet you’re magically delicious!”

7. When you come home from work, the potatoes are missing from the cupboard and your parrot is singing “Danny Boy.”

8. Prank caller has a really corny Irish accent, and Richard Gere has an airtight alibi.

9. Those tiny green hairs on your toilet seat.

10. Sultry voice from shower soap dish asks, “Is that your shillelagh, or are you just happy to see me?”

11. Pink hearts, yellow moons, blue diamonds scratched on your car at knee-level, and Ross Perot is nowhere to be found.

12. Them little green pellets in the litter box ain’t M&M’s, Chester.

13. Every day this week you’ve noticed the same buckle shoes dangling just above the floor in the stall next to you.

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Related:  Technology (+1814)      

Ellen Degeneres Virus — Your IBM suddenly claims it’s a MAC.

Monica Lewinsky Virus — Sucks all the money out of your computer.

Disney Virus — Everything in the computer suddenly goes Goofy.

Mike Tyson Virus — Quits after one byte.

Sharon Stone Virus — Huge initial impact, then you forget it’s there.

Prozac Virus — Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn’t care.

Lorena Bobbit Virus — Turns your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy.

Tim Allen Virus — Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact.

Woody Allen Virus — Bypasses the motherboard and turns on your daughter card.

Saddam Hussein Virus — Won’t let you into any of your programs.

Tonya Harding Virus — Turns your BAT files into lethal weapons.

George Michaels Virus — Runs it’s course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup.

Joey Buttafuco Virus — Only attacks minor files.

X-files Virus — All your icons start shape shifting.

Spice Girls Virus — Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.

Ronald Regan Virus — Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

Dr. Jack Kevorkian Virus — Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.

Sonny Bono Virus — Just when you get surfing the web, a firewall appears out of nowhere.

Martha Stewart Virus — Takes all your files, sorts them by category, and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop.

Opra Winfrey Virus — Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

AT&T Virus — Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI Virus — Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus — Terminates and stays resident. It will be back….

Found by the Tamster in Daily Humor.

Bobbit Virus — Removes a vital part of your hard disk, then reattaches it. Unfortunately, the area is permanently disabled.

Politically Correct Virus — Never calls itself a “virus,” but instead refers to itself as an “electronic microorganism.”

Right To Life Virus — Won’t allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a consultant about possible alternatives.

Ross Perot Virus — Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.

Ted Turner Virus — Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

Dan Quayle Virus — Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining a binary network.

Government Economist Virus — Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

New World Order Virus — Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Federal Bureaucrat Virus — Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

Gallup Virus — Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error.)

Texas Virus — Makes sure that it’s bigger than any other file.

Adam And Eve Virus — Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Congressional Virus — The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Airline Virus — You’re in Dallas, but your data ends up in Singapore.

Freudian Virus — Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard.

PBS Virus — Your programs stop every few minutes asking for more money.

Elvis Virus — Makes your computer get fat and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across America.

Ollie North Virus — Causes your printer to suddenly become a paper shredder.

Found by the Tamster in NetDummy.

Sears Virus — Your data won’t appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.

Jimmy Hoffa Virus — Your programs can never be found again.

Congressional Virus #2 — Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn’t allow the user to accomplish anything.

Kevorkian Virus — Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

Imelda Marcos Virus — Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

Star Trek Virus — Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

Some more found by the Tamster in NetDummy.

Mario Cuomo Virus — It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus 2 — Terminates your session and then disappears. It’ll be back.

Dan Quayle Virus 2 — Thers sumthin rong wit yur komputer, butt ewe jsut cant figyour it out!

Sent in by Anita.

The Clinton Virus — Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.

The Bob Dole (aka: Viagra) Virus — Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

The Lewinsky Virus 2 — Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did.

The Jack Kervorkian Virus 2 — Deletes all old files.

The Ellen Degeneras Virus 2 — Disks can no longer be inserted.

The following were sent in by KiM.

The Survivor Virus — Deletes your files one by one over 13 weeks until only the most annoying one remains.

The Jennifer Lopez Virus — Adjusts screen so that you see a lot of words, but not the ones you *really* want to see.

The Microsoft Virus — Renders your computer virtually useless. Also known by the name “Windows 98.”

The Al Gore Virus — Claims that it *IS* the internet.

The Tiger Woods Virus — Beats the holy crap out of you in every computer game you play.

The Wonderbra Virus — Results in overflow stack.

The Britney Spears Virus — Your partitions mysteriously quadruple in size overnight.

The Firestone Virus — Leaves chunks of its code all over the information highway.

The Kurt Cobain Virus — Deletes itself before it has a chance to do anything important.

The George W. Virus — Causes your CPU to keep executing and executing and executing …

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