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New Computer Viruses!
John Bobbit Virus– Removes a vital part of your hard disk and then re-attaches it. (But it will never work again.)
•Oprah Winfrey Virus– Your 850 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 200 MB, and then slowly expands back to 850 MB.
•Politically Correct Virus– Never calls itself a “virus”, but instead refers to itself as an “electronic micro-organism”.
•Right to Life Virus– Won’t allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.
•Government Economist Virus– Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
•Federal Bureaucrat Virus– Divides your hard disk into thousands of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
•AT&T Virus– Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
•MCI Virus– Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T Virus.
•Sprint Virus– Every 3 minutes it tells you that it’s better than the AT&T and MCI Virus.
•PBS Virus– Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.
•Health Care Virus– Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong with it, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
•LAPD Virus– It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in “self-defense”.
•O.J. Virus– Claims that it did not, could not, and would not delete two of your most important files and vows to find the virus that did it.
•Ross Perot Virus– Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.
•Ted Turner Virus– Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
•Dan Quayle Virus– Their is sumthing rong wit your’re komputer, we jsut can’t figyour out watt.

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Related:  Politics (+3831)      

A man was walking along when he spotted a small boy busily constructing something. He approached the boy and was shocked to see him playing with cow manure! For lack of anything better to say, he asked, “Little boy, what ARE you doing?”
The boy replied, “I am making Ross Perot, Mister.”
Now thoroughly taken aback, the man asked, “Why are you making Ross Perot?
Why not make, er, Bill Clinton?”
The boy answered, “Oh no Mister, I can’t make Bill Clinton.”
“But why not?” asked the man.
The boy replied “Well, Mister, there isn’t enough bullshit here to make Bill Clinton.”

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32385)      

1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty’s address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write is letterhead.

2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can’t because there isn’t one typewriter in your house, only computers with laser printers.

4. You think of the gadgets in your office as “friends,” but you forget to send your father a birthday card.

5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.

6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers, and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers’ questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.

7. You use the phrase “digital compression” in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase “digital compression.” Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don’t have to explain it.

9. You know Bill Gates’ e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.

10. You stop saying “phone number” and replace it with “voice number,” since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

11. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.

12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-).

13. You back up your data every day.

14. You know more about the computer than about all of your friends.

15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

17. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.

18. You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot’s phrase “electronic town hall” makes more sense than the term “information superhighway,” but you don’t because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.

19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.

20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it’s okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.

22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter and three-and-a-half-inch sizes.

23. Al Gore strikes you as an “intriguing” fellow.

24. You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are.

25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.

26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say “I don’t know” when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.

27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.

29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better, the track ball or the track pad.

30. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don’t use a laptop.

31. You email this message to your friends over the net. You’d never get around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these people face-to-face.

32. You don’t even read magazine articles anymore, unless someone’s keyed them into e-mail and forwarded it to you.

33. You print the itinerary of your vacation from a scheduler software.

34. You pack the laptop computer first for any trip.

35. While you’re away from home, the first three numbers you call are your voicenet, a bulletin board, and one of your e-mail accounts.

36. You are reading this from a screen.

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32385)      

BOBBIT VIRUS: Removes a vital part of your hard disk, then reattaches it. Unfortunately, the area is permanently disabled.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS: Your 200 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80 MB,and then slowly expands back to 200 MB.

AT&T VIRUS: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI VIRUS: Every three minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T Virus.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack — once if by LAN, twice if by C:>.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never calls itself a “virus,” but instead refers to itself as an “electronic microorganism.”

RIGHT TO LIFE VIRUS: Won’t allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a consultant about possible alternatives.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.

MARIO CUOMO VIRUS: It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS: Terminates your session and then disappears. It’ll be back.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS: Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining a binary network.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2: Thers sumthin rong wit yur komputerw butt ewe jsut cant figyour it out!

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error.)

TERRY RANDLE VIRUS: Prints “Oh no you don’t!” whenever you choose “Abort” from the “Abort, Retry, Fail” message.

TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it’s bigger than any other file.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

AIRLINE VIRUS: You’re in Dallas, but your data ends up in Singapore.

FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard.

PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes asking for more money.

ELVIS VIRUS: Makes your computer get fat and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across America.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to suddenly become a paper shredder.

NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.

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Related:  Politics (+3831)      

A man goes to a jewelry store looking to buy a watch. He looks at a watch called “the George Bush Watch” and asks the sales clerk why there are no hands. The sales clerk says–“you are suppose to read his lips”.

He then looks at a watch called the “Ross Perot Watch” and notices that it isn’t running – the sales clerk tells him “it runs, it doesn’t run, it runs, it doesn’t run . . .”

He then notices a watch called the “Bill Clinton Watch” and sees that it runs, has hands and looks like a pretty good watch. He asks the sales clerk how much. The sales clerk replies “$19.95 plus tax, plus tax, plus tax, plus tax, plus tax . . .”

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