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Related:  Politics (+3831)      

A man goes to a jewelry store looking to buy a watch. He looks at a watch called “the George Bush Watch” and asks the sales clerk why there are no hands. The sales clerk says–”you are suppose to read his lips”.

He then looks at a watch called the “Ross Perot Watch” and notices that it isn’t running – the sales clerk tells him “it runs, it doesn’t run, it runs, it doesn’t run . . .”

He then notices a watch called the “Bill Clinton Watch” and sees that it runs, has hands and looks like a pretty good watch. He asks the sales clerk how much. The sales clerk replies “$19.95 plus tax, plus tax, plus tax, plus tax, plus tax . . .”

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Related:  Politics (+3831)      

Clinton and Gore: They have what it takes to take what you’ve got!

“Carter is no longer the worst U.S. President”

“I am Clinton of Borg. Your incomes will be assimilated.”

Thank you, Bill Clinton, for costing me my job. I will repay you in 1996.

Hey Hillary! Shut-up and redecorate!

My other car was cancelled by the Clinton Tax Bill.

It’s the spending stupid!

If Clinton was the answer, it must have been a real stupid question!

Clinton in 1996–NOT!!

I’m not Fonda Clinton

Rodhamhood: She steals from everyone to give to the government.

Bill Clinton is living proof why stupid people shouldn’t vote.

Voter: “The joke’s over, bring back Bush.”

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its line to honor Bill Clinton. The Dodge Draft will begin production in Canada this year.

When Clinton was asked what he thought about foreign affairs, he replied, “I don’t know. I never had one.”

If you came across Bill Clinton struggling in a raging river and you had a choice between rescuing him or getting a Pulitzer prize-winning photograph, what shutter speed would you use?

Chelsea asked her dad, “Do all fairy tales begin with once upon a time…?” Bill Clinton replied, “No. Some begin with ‘After I’m elected…’”

President Clinton will be starring in his own TV show next season. It’s called “Welcome Back Carter”.

Did you hear it took three secret service agents to hold Hillary’s hand down during the swearing-in ceremony?

If the Clinton’s divorce before 1996, who will get the house?

When Clinton was asked about Roe vs. Wade, he replied “I think the Haitians had better row because it is too far to wade.”

Clinton’s mother prayed fervently that Bill would grow up and be president. So far, half of her prayer has been answered.

The money clip of the 90′s will be a penny stuck in a paper clip.

Bill Clinton’s 11th Commandment: Thou shalt not commit thyself!

Bill Clinton has been mistakenly characterized as a “yes man” when he is really a “yes ma’am.”

The problem with a government-run trust fund is that there is too little of either.

Clinton should be proud. He has done more in six months than Jimmy Carter in four years.

Isn’t putting Bill Clinton in charge of a trust fund as insane as putting in a draft-dodger as Commander in Chief?

Clinton only lacks three things to become one of America’s finest leaders: Integrity, vision, and wisdom.

Asked about his views on euthanasia, Clinton replied, “Youth in Asia are just like kids everywhere else.”

Diapers and congressmen need to be changed frequently for much the same reason.

Clinton is doing the work of 3 men: Larry, Curly, and Moe.

If 50% of adults are illiterate, how come Bill only got 43% of the vote?

The good news about Clinton’s health care is that everyone will be covered. The bad news is that it will be with dirt.

If character is not an issue, why isn’t Ted Kennedy president?

Clinton floated a strike on baseball’s opening day but most of his pitches are high and to the left.

If Clinton wanted legislation to burn down the Capitol building, Republicans in the Senate would introduce a compromise bill to burn it down over three years.

Food stamps are rationed so what makes you think government-run health care won’t be?

No one can call Clinton a cheap taxpayer. Look at how much he is costing the taxpayers.

When Bill’s Congress passes a law, it’s a joke…but when Hillary tells a joke, it’ the law.

Ever since he met JFK, Clinton wanted to be president in the worst possible way…now he’s succeeding beyond his wildest dreams.

Oxymoron of 1994: Whitewater Development.

Have you heard about the new Bill Clinton doll? You pull the string and it never tells the same story twice!

A George Bush watch has no hands and says “read my lips.”
A Ross Perot watch only runs sometimes.
A Clinton watch has two faces and neither one works.

One thing’s sure about Clinton–he sure doesn’t neglect domestic affairs.

Bob Kerrey, when asked about Bill Clinton dodging the draft: “Do I care if he evaded the draft? Well, a part of me does.” [Mr. Kerrey lost a leg in Vietnam]

Bill Clinton. The perfect thing if pro wrestling is too complicated for you.

A 200 dollar hair cut? What kind of example does that set? With hair like Clinton’s, two hundred bucks isn’t enough to make it look right.

“Death, Taxes, and Democrats will always be with us, at least Death never gets any worse”

Why doesn’t Clinton have the courage to call his plan what it really is? “Socialism”

Clinton is not a “tax and spend” Democrat, he is a “contribute and invest” democrat.

On the Apirl 23, 1993 Tonight show, Jay Leno noted in his monologue that Clinton had broken so many promises that he has actually run out of promises to break! So he has asked his aids to bring him a list of all of Reagan’s and Bush’s promises so he can start working on breaking their promises too!

I’ve heard of the Clintons being referred to as Billary, combining Bill and Hillary. Well, why not switch it around and say “Hillbilly”… Hey! That fits all too well. And please I mean no offense to the President. Or her husband.

From The Simpsons in April of 1993:
[Bart] Didn’t you think there was something wrong when you were getting checks for doing nothing?
[Grandpa] I thought it was because the Democrats were back in power.

Reporter 1: The cult members seem totally brainwashed, and still place their blind faith in a false savior offering hollow promises of salvation!
Reporter 2: And that concludes our report from the Clinton White House.

The two U.S. cities with the highest alcohol consumption are Las Vegas and Washington, DC. The difference between the two is that in Washington the drunks are gambling with our money!

“Change, change, change… That’s all we’ll have in our pockets if Bill Clinton is elected president.” — George Bush

“Bill’s brother who who owns a band, Politics, will be playing at the inauguration if Bill Clinton gets elected. Bill’s brother will bring down the house just like Bill Clinton will bring down the country.” — MTV News

Vote Democrat… It’s easier than getting a job.

“They are Drawing Up Lists of Tax Increases and Cuts in Entitlement Programs. One Target: Big Corporations”

Which is worse, a Vice-President who can’t spell or a President who can’t add?

There are too many bills to pay without having to pay the one in Washington.

We were so poor that even Bill Clinton’s tax plan would’t call us rich.

“When Clinton said he was going to create 8 million new jobs, I didn’t think they were all going to be tax collectors.” — Jay Leno

The trouble with political jokes is that the dumbest one of them got elected President.

Election night
Bill: “Honey, we won!”
Hillary: “Honestly?!”
Bill: “Let’s not bring that up…”

Clinton is trying to tell us a no-frills medical care plan. Trouble is, medical care is a frill.

Bill: “Have you heard my last speech?”
Hillary: “No, I didn’t know it was the last one!”

Want to leave the other country absolutely devasted? Ruined? Unable to function for years?
Well, great, bring the troops home and send over some politicians.

One advantage Clinton has over past presidents is that doesn’t have to worry about how much time he should spend on his re-election campaign.

Is Whitewater used to wash the Yellow Streak off of Bill Clinton’s draft dodging back?

Oxymoron of the century:
Liberal Mastermind . . .
Whitewater Development

Bill Clinton . . . a good reason not to root for anyone playing Arkansas.

I don’t trust President Clinton or her husband.

The Clinton Administration: Stupid is as stupid does.

Democrats seem to think they have a monopoly on protest.

Bill Clinton virus – System makes lots of noise, but nothing happens.

[Post 1994 Election aftermath]
I hear that thousands of rafts overflowing with Democrats are washing up on the shores of Cuba.

“Bill and Hillary have provided the special prosecutor with every shred of evidence they have.” — Al Gore

President Bevis, Vice President Butthead
I thought that happened in November of 1992.

There was a line in George’s speech where he said I raised taxes one time and I lived to regret it. Bill Clinton did it 132 times and loved every minute.

“When Bill Clinton blows his taxophone, America will be singing the blues.” — George Bush

Clinton: “I will consult both sides of the issue on Free Trade.”
Reporter: “Uh, That would be you Governor Clinton!”

After seeing footage from the new movie “The Lion King,” I want to dedicate a movie to Bill Clinton. I’d like to call it “The Lion President.”

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32429)      

1. Your stationery is more cluttered than Warren Beatty’s address book. The letterhead lists a fax number, e-mail addresses for two on-line services, and your Internet address, which spreads across the breadth of the letterhead and continues to the back. In essence, you have conceded that the first page of any letter you write is letterhead.

2. You have never sat through an entire movie without having at least one device on your body beep or buzz.

3. You need to fill out a form that must be typewritten, but you can’t because there isn’t one typewriter in your house, only computers with laser printers.

4. You think of the gadgets in your office as “friends,” but you forget to send your father a birthday card.

5. You disdain people who use low baud rates.

6. When you go into a computer store, you eavesdrop on a salesperson talking with customers, and you butt in to correct him and spend the next twenty minutes answering the customers’ questions, while the salesperson stands by silently, nodding his head.

7. You use the phrase “digital compression” in a conversation without thinking how strange your mouth feels when you say it.

8. You constantly find yourself in groups of people to whom you say the phrase “digital compression.” Everyone understands what you mean, and you are not surprised or disappointed that you don’t have to explain it.

9. You know Bill Gates’ e-mail address, but you have to look up your own social security number.

10. You stop saying “phone number” and replace it with “voice number,” since we all know the majority of phone lines in any house are plugged into contraptions that talk to other contraptions.

11. You sign Christmas cards by putting :-) next to your signature.

12. Off the top of your head, you can think of nineteen keystroke symbols that are far more clever than :-).

13. You back up your data every day.

14. You know more about the computer than about all of your friends.

15. You think jokes about being unable to program a VCR are stupid.

16. On vacation, you are reading a computer manual and turning the pages faster than everyone else who is reading John Grisham novels.

17. The thought that a CD could refer to finance or music rarely enters your mind.

18. You are able to argue persuasively the Ross Perot’s phrase “electronic town hall” makes more sense than the term “information superhighway,” but you don’t because, after all, the man still uses hand-drawn pie charts.

19. You go to computer trade shows and map out your path of the exhibit hall in advance. But you cannot give someone directions to your house without looking up the street names.

20. You would rather get more dots per inch than miles per gallon.

21. You become upset when a person calls you on the phone to sell you something, but you think it’s okay for a computer to call and demand that you start pushing buttons on your telephone to receive more information about the product it is selling.

22. You know without a doubt that disks come in five-and-a-quarter and three-and-a-half-inch sizes.

23. Al Gore strikes you as an “intriguing” fellow.

24. You own a set of itty-bitty screw-drivers and you actually know where they are.

25. While contemporaries swap stories about their recent hernia surgeries, you compare mouse-induced index-finger strain with a nine-year-old.

26. You are so knowledgeable about technology that you feel secure enough to say “I don’t know” when someone asks you a technology question instead of feeling compelled to make something up.

27. You rotate your screen savers more frequently than your automobile tires.

28. You have a functioning home copier machine, but every toaster you own turns bread into charcoal.

29. You have ended friendships because of irreconcilably different opinions about which is better, the track ball or the track pad.

30. You understand all the jokes in this message. If so, my friend, technology has taken over your life. We suggest, for your own good, that you go lie under a tree and write a haiku. And don’t use a laptop.

31. You email this message to your friends over the net. You’d never get around to showing it to them in person or reading it to them on the phone. In fact, you have probably never met most of these people face-to-face.

32. You don’t even read magazine articles anymore, unless someone’s keyed them into e-mail and forwarded it to you.

33. You print the itinerary of your vacation from a scheduler software.

34. You pack the laptop computer first for any trip.

35. While you’re away from home, the first three numbers you call are your voicenet, a bulletin board, and one of your e-mail accounts.

36. You are reading this from a screen.

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32429)      

Should you receive a document with any of the following viruses, you must immediately open the window and throw out your computer. I repeat, do not ever again use your computer should it be infected with ANY of these horrible viruses.
1. Freudian Virus
Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. Or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend’s hard drive.
2. Lorena Bobbit Virus
Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.
3. Tonya Harding Virus
Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.
4. Paul Revere Virus
Warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:
5. Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus
Instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg.
6. Ollie North Virus
Plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files.
7. Joey Buttafuaco Virus
Only attacks minor files.
8. Ronald Reagan Virus
Saves your data, but forgets where it’s stored.
9. Jane Fonda Virus
Attacks your hard drive’s FAT.
10. Oprah Winfrey Virus
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.
11. AT&T Virus
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
12. MCI Virus
Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus.
13. Politically Correct Virus
Never calls itself a “virus,” but instead refers to itself as an “electronic microorganism.”
14. Ross Perot Virus
Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits.
15. Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus
Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back.
16. Government Economist Virus
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
17. Federal Bureaucrat Virus
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
18. Adam and Eve Virus
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.
19. Congressional Virus #1
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
20. Congressional Virus #2
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn’t allow the user to accomplish anything.
21. Airline Virus
You’re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
22. PBS Virus
Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.
23. Jimmy Hoffa Virus
Your programs can never be found again.
24. LAPD Virus
It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in “self-defense.”
25. O.J. Virus
It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.
CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED!!!!!

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Related:  Politics (+3831)      

A man was walking along when he spotted a small boy busily constructing something. He approached the boy and was shocked to see him playing with cow manure! For lack of anything better to say, he asked, “Little boy, what ARE you doing?”
The boy replied, “I am making Ross Perot, Mister.”
Now thoroughly taken aback, the man asked, “Why are you making Ross Perot?
Why not make, er, Bill Clinton?”
The boy answered, “Oh no Mister, I can’t make Bill Clinton.”
“But why not?” asked the man.
The boy replied “Well, Mister, there isn’t enough bullshit here to make Bill Clinton.”

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