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AP – Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, countered President Clinton’s firm denial:
“I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can’t stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face.”
“This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet this challenge the only way that I know how: head on.”
“I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again. No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn’t a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work non-stop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it.”
“Thank you.” Monica Lewinsky

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Related:  Politics (+3829)      

A PRESIDENT IN LOVE
(To the tune of Dion’s “A Teenager in Love”)

Last night we had a quarrel
Over a cute little tart
‘Cause I lost my head
From the very start.

Every night I think Ken Starr’s heard too much
Why must I be a President in love!?!

One day I loved old Hillary
Next day I was a cad
Guess I’m just a rake
A fun lovin’ happy lad.

Every night I think Ken Starr’s heard too much
Why must I be a President in love!?!

The dress was smeared
The blouse was too
I’ll be a happy man
If Monica says I do.

Every night I think Ken Starr’s heard too much
Why must I be a President in love!?!

If you wanna have sex with me
I’d like to do it too
And if you want to tell a lie
I’ll just go and pardon you.

Every night I think Ken Starr’s heard too much
Why must I be a President in love!?!

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Related:  Politics (+3829)      

THE MONICA SONG
(To the tune of Adam Sandler’s “The Hanukah Song)

Get ready for funica,
Here comes Monica
She’s so easyica
Her name is Monica.

Monica is the slut of all sluts,
If you give her a quarter you can grab her butt.

So when you feel like the only one in town,
With a lot of time to burn
Here’s a song to recognize,
All you White House Interns!

Come into the office,
This job is a borea
Let me unzip my fly
Then you can suck me till I’m sorea.

Don’t worry Miss Monica, no one will know.
‘Cause Hillary and Chelsea are in the Poconos.

Bill and Paula Jones and Miss Lewinsky,
Put them together what a fine little orgy!

You don’t need Linda Tripp or Kenneth Starr,
‘Cause we can have sex with one of my cigars!
It’s a Cuban!

Get ready for funica,
Here comes Monica,
I need a blowjobica,
So get to it Monica!

Miss Lewinsky, what a slut.
But man oh man, what a butt!
It’s a beauty!

I don’t care if you’re a little chubby,
Compared to Hillary,
Not to shabby!

Some people think that I’m an old geezer.
Well, I am
but look at how I please her.

So many women are in my life,
About a hundred or so none are my wife!

Tell your friend Veronica,
It’s time for Monica,
I hope I don’t cumica,
On your big blue dressica!
So drink your gin and tonica,
And smoke your marijuanica,(but don’t inhale)
If you really really wannica
Keep on sucking, sucking, sucking, sucking Monica!
Suck it Monica!

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Related:  Men vs. Women (+5690)      

* UYFSOMWPOV
o Ugly Yet Financially Secure Older Male With Plenty Of Viagra

* RCGWJWTW
o Rich Computer Geek Who Just Wants to Watch

* JRLA
o Janet Reno Look-Alike

* POJHFC
o President Of Jesse Helms Fan Club

* CWP
o Cigar-Wielding President

* TOML
o Twin of Monica Lewinsky

* MSG S/G W/B M/F KOP WPFYB
o Moonwalking Single-Gloved Straight/Gay White/Black Male/Female King Of Pop With Predilection For Young Boys

* RHMI
o Really Hip Macarena Instructor

* HAWGSOH
o Heroin Addict With Great Sense Of Humor

* STLSM
o Showtune Loving Straight Male

* WARSADAP
o Works At Radio Shack And Drives A Pinto

* BWBWWTBAR
o Broke White Boy Who Wants to be a Rapper

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Related:  Politics (+3829)      

The State of the Union Address… that president Clinton should have given

“Members of Congress…People of America….I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong.
Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player
in my orchestra, you haven’t been paying attention.

The only babes in D.C. I haven’t tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala,
mostly because they’re a little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler
Earl Campbell would envy, which isn’t to say I don’t appreciate Hillary…I do. If not for the
ice-water coursing through her veins, I’d be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas,
and she’d be married to the President.

So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped
Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid
hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass
that entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good.

Six years ago there’s not a man, woman, or child who didn’t know I was as horny as Woody Allen.
But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part.

Your other choice was Bush, an aging Baseball player and part-time resident of some place
called “Kennebunkport” who thought he could bomb his way into the White House. Before him,
it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer’s he came in with.

There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate,smiling the whole time
like his lithium drip just kicked in.

Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of ‘plausable deniability,’
and almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing.

Johnson was an inbred, power mad war criminal whose major contribution to American society was
Agent Orange. And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn’t hang around long
enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for “beaver wrestling” shared by at
least a dozen former residents of the White House.

Which brings me back to my point.

Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House, government is doing more for
less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a
fact the press didn’t seem to care about, evidently.

Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night watchman. And the stock
market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb dust, and anyone with a degree from
a junior college who can spell ‘internet’ has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance
cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from.

Bottom line: I’m running a country here and I’m doing it with my pecker showing.

What I’m asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter…unless, of course, she’s
a hotty with thin ankles, and then I’d like to discuss it. In the meantime, think about where
you are today and what kind of life you’re living before you get too interested in where I’m
parking the Presidential Limousine.

Thank you, good night, and God Bless America.

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