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New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: “I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first.”
Chicago Cubs outfielder Andre Dawson on being a role model: “I want all the kids to do what I do, to look up to me. I want all the kids to copulate me.”
And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the Skins say: “I’d run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl,” Matt Millen of the Raiders said, “To win, I’d run over Joe’s Mom, too.”
Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann: “Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.” (1996)
Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: “I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.”
Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: “You guys line up alphabetically by height.” and “You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle.”
Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: “I play football. I’m not trying to be a professor. The tests don’t seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven’t been through in school.”
Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: “Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton.”
Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: “That’s so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes.”
Shaquille O’Neal on whether he had visited the Pantheon during his visit to Greece: “I can’t really remember the names of all the clubs that we went to.”
Shaquille O’Neal, on his lack of championships: “I’ve won at every level, except college and pro.”
Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of of heavyweight Andrew Golota: “He’s a guy who gets up at six o’clock in the morning regardless of what time it is.”
Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team’s 7-27 record in 1992: “We can’t win at home. We can’t win on the road. As general manager, I just can’t figure out where else to play.”
Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: “My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
Tommy Lasorda, Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: “He wants Texas back.” (1981)
Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: “One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?” (1966)
Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team’s co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: “I’m going to send the injured co-captain out for the toss next time too.” (1981)
Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn’s football dorm had destroyed 20 books: “But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn’t been colored yet.” (1991)
Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: “I’m not allowed to comment on lousy no good officiating.” (1986)
Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: “It’s basically the same, just darker.” (1991)
Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: “I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I’d get shot.” (1996)
Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: “I told him, ‘Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?’ He said, ‘Coach, I don’t know and I don’t care.'” (1991)
Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: “He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.”
Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F’s and one D: “Son, looks to me like you’re spending too much time on one subject.”
Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, responded “Because she is too damn ugly to kiss good-bye.”

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32383)      

X-files virus:
All your Icons start shape shifting

Spice Girl virus:
Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop

Ronald Reagan virus:
Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored

Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus:
Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them

Sonny Bono virus:
Just when you get surfing the web, a firewall appears out of no where

Martha Stewart virus:
Takes all your files, sorts them by category and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop

AT&T virus:
Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting

MCI virus:
Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus:
Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back

Ellen Degeneres virus:
Your IBM suddenly claims it’s a MAC

Monica Lewinsky virus:
Sucks all the memory out of your computer

Titanic virus:
Makes your whole computer go down

Disney virus:
Everything in the computer goes Goofy

Mike Tyson virus:
Quits after one byte

Prozac virus:
Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn’t care

Sharon Stone virus:
Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it’s there.

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Related:  Lists (+737)      

1. Broken Bag-O-Glass

2. Dr. Kevorkian First Aid Kit

3. Jeffrey Domhers Easy Bake oven and cookbook

4. Timothy McVays home Chemistry set

5. Switchblade Barney

6. Pork-n-Beany Babies

7. Make your own moonshine kit

8. Mike Tyson Doll (with ear biting action)

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Related:  Celebrity (+957), Q & A (+15906), Sport (+1015)      

Q: Why did Mike Tyson learn to bite ears?
A: How else do you tell a 275 pound inmate that “no means no”?

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32383)      

35. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
34. “My Love Affair with ABC” by Ellen DeGeneres
33. Human Rights Advances in China
32. The Difference between Reality and Dilbert
31. “Tolerance” by Reggie White
30. “Things I Wouldn’t Do for Money” by Dennis Rodman
29. Al Gore: The Wild Years
28. Amelia Earhart’s Guide to the Pacific Ocean
27. “You Are Our Customer!” by the IRS
26. Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
25. Detroit – A Travel Guide
24. Different Ways to Spell “Bob”
23. Dr. Kevorkian’s Collection of Motivational Speeches
22. America’s Most Popular Lawyers
21. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
20. Everything Men Know About Women
19. Everything Women Know About Men
18. “My Case for Ecumenicalism” by Rev. Bob Jones III
17. George Foreman’s Big Book of Baby Names
16. “How to Sustain a Musical Career” by Art Garfunkel
15. Mike Tyson’s Guide to Dating Etiquette
14. “Family Values” by Congressman Bob Barr & Mrs. Barr III
13. Staple Your Way to Success
12. The Amish Phone Directory
11. The Engineer’s Guide to Fashion
10. Boulder Police Evidence in the JonBenet Ramsey Case
9. Christianity in the Christian Coalition
8. The Impartiality of Kenneth Starr
7. The Honesty of Saddam Hussein
6. “My Plan To Find The Real Killers” by OJ Simpson
5. “The Moral High Road in Government” by Bill Clinton
4. French Hospitality
3. Easy UNIX
2. “Quit Alcohol in 12 Easy Steps” by Boris Yeltsin
1. “My Family’s Musical Talent” by Slim Whitman

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