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Related:  Celebrity (+963)      

Wouldn’t drink beer, watch football and break wind with her during Thanksgiving with Mom at Graceland.

Refused her pleas for separate make-up mirrors.

Unwilling to try new things in bed…like her for instance.

Elephant Man bones…fine. Oxygen chamber for eternal youth…well okay. But what’s with the Groucho head on Jayne Mansfield’s body thing?

In all their months of marriage not once did he charter a jet to get her peanut butter sandwiches or fly a mime troupe in from France like Poppa did for Momma.

Had her favorite noses (June 1994 and September 1995) done over.

She was shocked to discover that the glittery uniforms were not actually part of any real military organization.

He started hanging out with Madonna’s dancers to toughen up his image.

Everywhere you turn, Elizabeth Taylor’s supporting you through some sordid allegation.

Stood in the way of her film career when he refused to bankroll her debut performance in ‘Jailbait Rock’, the story of her Mom and Dad’s courtship.

The all-night Kool Aid and Twister marathons with his little friends left him too tired to do that ‘hee-hee-hee’ thing she fell in love with.

She felt pressured to buy hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of LaToya’s Amway products for the sake of family peace.

Jermaine and Tito were constantly asking her why Elvis didn’t have kids THEY could marry.

Swears she thought she was marrying Michael Keaton.

She grew tired of scouring every Chucky Cheese’s within a 50 mile radius only to find him slumped over a table in yet another chocolate milk and Pez stupor.

He told her to “just beat it” one too many times.

He’s a plain spoken “Hoosier”, and she had clearly gone “Hollywood”.

She wanted someone more like her father, and though he was already a pathetic parody of his former self, he was just unwilling to gain weight.

He kept forgetting to put the top back on the mascara.

Irreconcilable similarities.

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Related:  Celebrity (+963), Q & A (+15911)      

Q: What were Michael Jackson’s baby’s first words?
A: Which one’s Mommy?

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Related:  Lists (+737)      

1. The Communist Manifesto as read by Ronald Reagan

2. The Torah as read by Louis Farrakhan

3. The Koran as read by Sammy Davis Junior

4. The Bible as read by Madeleine Murray O’Hare

5. Walden as read by James Watt

6. The Anarchist’s Cookbook as read by Theodore Kaczinsky

7. How To win Friends and Influence People as read by Dennis Rodman

8. Europe on $10 a Day as read by Steve Forbes

9. The Godfather as read by John Gotti

10. Mr. Boston’s Bar Guide as read by Ted Kennedy

11. Heather has 2 Mommies as read by Jesse Helms

12. The Diary of Anne Frank as read by Jesse Jackson

13. The Physician’s Desk Reference as read by Dr. Jack Kevorkian

14. Catcher in the Rye as read by Mark Chapman

15. Uncle Tom’s Cabin as read by George Wallace

17. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus as read by 2 Live Crew

18. The Cat in the Hat as read by BF Skinner

19. Where the Wild Things Are as read by Michael Jackson

20. A Rumor of War as read by Bill Clinton

21. Presumed Innocent as read by OJ Simpson

22. The Joy of Cooking as read by Karen Carpenter

23. Bridges of Madison County as read by Howard Stern

24. I’m Ok You’re Ok as read by Rush Limbaugh

25. The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test as read by Bill Bennett

26. No One Gets Out of Here Alive as read by Kurt Cobain

27. Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail as read by Richard Nixon

28. Moby Dick as read by Jonah

29. The Pledge of Allegiance as read by Mahmud Abdul Rauf

30. Fear of Flying as read by Ron Brown

31. Thirty Days to a Stronger Vocabulary by Homer J. Simpson

32. Success for Dummies as read by Ross Perot

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Related:  Holidays (+1419)      

* Your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve is gin, vodka and bourbon.

* You turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep carolers away.

* You buy all of your Christmas gifts at a store that also sells gas.

* Your favorite version of “A Christmas Carol” stars Bob Packwood or Bill Clinton.

* Your favorite version of “Babes in Toyland” stars Michael Jackson.

* Your favorite version of “The Nutcracker” stars Andrew Golata.

* You get your Christmas Tree at a rest stop at night.

* You give bathroom fixtures as Christmas gifts.

* Your prized Christmas ornament is Santa Claus shooting the moon.

* Your favorite Christmas movie is Jurassic Park.

* Your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack of beer and a cheese log.

* You think “Ho, Ho, Ho” is a line from a Rocky movie.

* Your best Christmas tradition involves a fire and reindeer meat.

* You use your Christmas Club money to buy wrestling tickets.

* Your favorite version of “Silent Night” is sung by OJ Simpson.

* Your favorite version of “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas” is sung by the KKK choir (Red Neck version).

* Your favorite pastime is putting defective bulbs in your neighbors’ string of Christmas lights or defacing Christmas lawn ornaments with egg nog.

* Your only holiday decoration is a rotting pumpkin.

* You reuse last year’s Christmas cards and send them out under your own name.

* You steal light bulbs from you neighbor’s outdoor display to replenish your own supply.

* You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer.

* You put out last year’s stale candy canes for children.

* You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Wal-Mart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale’s or other prestige box to impress your friends.

* You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day.

* At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home.

* You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own.

* After an invitation to a friend’s house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made.

* You steal gifts from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins.

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Related:  Celebrity (+963), Q & A (+15911)      

Q: What’s the similarity between Michael Jackson and McDonalds?

A: They both stick their beef between 9 year old buns.

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