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Q: Have you heard about Michael Jackson’s New Book?
A: It’s called, “The In’s and Out’s of Child Rearing”.
Q: What do Michael Jackson and the Baltimore Orioles have in common?
A: They both walk around with one glove on their hand for no apparent reason.
Michael Jackson and Tonya Harding have decided to begin training racehorses together? Yup, she’s gonna do all the handicapping and he’s gonna ride all the 3-year-olds!
Q: Why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men??
A: He thought it was a delivery service.
The Pope has issued a proclamation on Michael Jackson. If he hears any more allegations about little boys, the Pope says he’ll have no choice but to make him a priest!
Q: How can you tell when Michael Jackson is giving a party?
A: By all the Big Wheels parked in his driveway.
And finally, I found out why Michael has cut down on public appearances… He wants to spend more time with the kids!

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32426)      

Q. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?
A. We’d eat pussy every Thanksgiving
Q. Three words to ruin a man’s ego…
A. “Is it in?”
Q. How does a guy know if he has a high sperm count?
A. If the girl has to chew, before she swallows.
Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
Q. What’s the difference between Mad Cow disease and PMS
A. Nothing.
Q: What’s the speed limit of sex?
A: 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.
Q: What’s the ultimate rejection?
A: When you’re masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
Q. How are women and tornadoes alike?
A. They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.
Q: Why do men whistle when they’re sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading youre-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to “instruction manuals”
Q. What is the leading cause of death with lesbians?
A. Hair balls.
Q. How do you know if a blonde has been sending e-mail?
A. You see a bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive
Q. What can Life Savers do that men cannot?
A Come in five flavors
Q. What is good on pizza but bad on pussy?
A. Crust
Q. Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
A. Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork
Q. How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
A. If your girlfriend chews before swallowing
Q. What do you get when you get Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy together?
A. A red headed bitch with a yeast infection
Q. How do you piss off Winnie The Pooh?
A. By sticking your finger in his honey
Q. What is the ultimate rejection?
A. When your masturbating and your hand falls asleep
Q. What did Bill Clinton say to Monica?
A. I told you to lick my erection, not wreck my election.
Q. What does pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
A. Both can smell it but can’t eat it
Q. What do you call a blonde with pigtails?
A. A blow job with handle bars
Q. What do you call a group of blondes on roller skates?
A. A mobile sperm bank.
Q. What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill over her head?
A. All you can eat for under a buck.
Q. What do you get when you mix a rooster with a telephone pole?
A. A 30ft cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.
Q. What do you call a virgin on a waterbed?
A. A cherry float.
Q. What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?
A. Beat IT -we’re closed.
Q. Why do walruses go to Tupperware parties?
A. To find a tight seal.
Q. What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A. Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Q. What’s the difference between sin and shame?
A. It is a sin to put it in, but it’s a shame to pull it out.
Q. What’s the speed limit of sex?
A. 68; at 69 you have to turn around.
Q. Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?
A. She kept sitting on Pinocchio’s face, and moaning, “Lie to me!”
Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.
Q. Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A. He heard the snow blower coming.
Q: Why are Monica Lewinsky’s cheeks so puffy?
A: She’s withholding evidence
Q: What’s the difference between light and hard?
A. You can sleep with a light on.
Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed?
A. Because they don’t have balls to scratch.
Q. Why is sex like a bridge game?
A. You don’t need a partner if you have a good hand.
Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.
Q. Why don’t blind people like to sky dive?
A. Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
Q. What’s the difference between a gynaecologist and a genealogist?
A. A genealogist looks up the family tree. A gynaecologist looks up the family bush.
Q. How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A. Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.
Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A. He wiped his arse on a leaf.
Q. How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A. The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
Q. What’s the difference between a g-spot and a golf ball?
A. A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball.
Q. Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
A. His wife died.
Q. How can you tell if your at a bulimic stag party?
A. The cake jumps out of the girl.
Q. How do you recycle toilet paper?
A. Hang it on the wall and bash the shit out of it.
Q. What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A. Full up.
Q. What’s the difference between pussy and apple pie?
A. You can eat your mums apple pie
Q. What’s the difference between tampons and mobile phones?
A. Mobile phones are for arseholes.
Q. How do you get a horny dog to stop humping your leg?
A. Pick him up and start sucking his dick.
Q. How do you make 5pounds of fat look good?
A. Put a nipple on it.
Q. What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole week.
The answer. A cockrobin.
The question. What are you putting in my mouth Batman.
Q. What’s the difference between Prince Charles and OJ Simpson?
A. Prince Charles wife was killed by a white man in a black car.
Q. Why are women like Kentucky fried chicken?
A. Because when you’re finished with the breasts and the thighs all you are left with is a greasy box to put your bone in.
Q. How is pubic hair like parsley?
A. You push it to the side before you start eating.
Q. Why did Elton John sing at Diana’s funeral?
A. Because he is the only queen who gives a fuck.
Q.What is the difference between women and computers?
A. Women will not take a 3.5 inch floppy.
Q. What’s is blonde, has 6 legs and roams Michael Jackson’s dreams at night?
A. Hanson.
Q. What has 4 legs and 8 arms?
A. A pitbull terrier in a children’s play area.
Q. Why did cavemen drag their women by their hair?
A. Because if they dragged them by their feet, they would fill up with mud.
Q. What’s the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman?
A. One says “Hey,you, get out of my cloud.” The other says “Hey, McCloud, get out of my ewe.”
Q. What’s the difference between acne and a priest?
A. Acne comes on a boys face after he turns 13.
Q. What’s the fastest way to get a nun pregnant?
A. Dress her up as a choir boy.
Q. why do tampons have strings?
A. So you can floss after eating.
Q. What’s the difference between driving in the fog and eating pussy?
A. At least when you’re eating pussy you can see the asshole in front of you.
Q. What’s the difference between an airship and a thousand used condoms?
A. Ones a Goodyear, the others a damn good year.
Q. Why is a necrophiliac like a grave digger?
A. They both dig dead peoples holes.
Q. What’s the difference between looking for a lost golf ball and a fox hunter?
A. One is a hunt on the course………..
Q. What is the result if you take a viagra with a valium?
A. If you don’t get a fuck, you don’t give a fuck.
Q. What do you call a used tampon floating down the river?
A. A blood vessel.
Q. Why is a cervical smear called a cervical smear?
A. Because women wouldn’t do them if they were called cunt scrapes.
Q. What’s the difference between a seagull and a baby?
A. A seagull flits along the shore.
Q. What do you call a lorry driver with a load of sheep headed for Wales?
A. A pimp.
Q. What’s brown and often found in children’s underpants?
A. Michael Jackson’s hand.
Q. What goes “CLICK- is that it? CLICK- is that it? CLICK- is that it?”
A. A blind person with a Rubix cube.
Q. What’s the difference between a policeman’s truncheon and a magicians wand?
A. A magicians wand is for cunning stunts.
Q. what should you do if you come across a lion in the jungle?
A. Wipe it off and apologise.
Q. Why isn’t George Michael allowed to vote?
A. He cant go into a cubicle alone.
Q. How can you tell if your husband is dead?
A. The sex is the same but you get the remote.
Q. What do you call 2 skunks doing a 69?
A. odour eaters.
Q. How can you spot a blind bloke at a nudist colony?
A. Its not hard.
Q. What should you do if your bird starts smoking?
A. Slow down, and try using Vaseline.
Q. How do you make a dog drink?
A. Put it in the blender.
Q. Why did god put men on earth?
A. Because vibrators cant mow the lawn.
Q. What’s the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?
A. A pick pocket snatches watches.
Q. What’s white and clings to the wall?
A. George Michael’s latest release.
Q. What’s the difference between menstrual blood and sand?
A. You cant gargle with sand.

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Related:  Religious (+819)      

A little boy was learning about God in his church, and he was talking to
his mother about it. She, not wanting to place prejudice in the little
boy’s mind, sat him and said: “God is not a man or a woman, and God is not
black or white.”
To which the child responded, “Well, then is God Michael Jackson?”

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Related:  Religious (+819)      

Little Johnny goes up to his mother and asks, “Is God male or female?”
After thinking for a moment, his mother responds, “Well, honey, God is
both male and female.”
This confuses Little Johnny, so he asks, “Is God black or white?”
“Well, God is both black and white.”
This further confuses him so he asks, “Is God gay or straight?”
At this the mother is getting concerned, but answers nonetheless,
“Honey, God is both gay and straight.”
At this Little Johnny’s face lights up with understanding and he
triumphantly asks, “Mom, is God Michael Jackson?”

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Related:  Bar (+1637)      

Do you get loaded on an hourly basis? Or is ginger ale your idea of a stiff drink? The key to good partying is balance. Staying home and watching TV every night is unquestionably lame, but if you get so sick drinking every night that your days are always wasted, what’s the point? Drinking is great, but too much too often can really be a drag. Keeping control of your consumption can help you lead a happy party life. So, how well do you maintain a good party life and attitude? If you can’t answer this for yourself, take this little quiz.

1. The first thing you do when you get to a party is:

A. Locate all the fire exits
B. Locate all your buddies
C. Locate the women and start right up with the cheesy lines
D. Locate the keg and make up for lost time

2. When the party ends, you can be found:

A. Asleep at home
B. Sober, and driving your loaded friends home
C. Leaving with your arm around the hottest girl there
D. Passed out in your own puke

3. The morning after a party, you can be found:

A. Up early, preparing a delicious, but sensible breakfast
B. Sleeping
C. Hoping to God you didn’t give your name to that girl
D. Doing shots of Southern Comfort to get rid of your headache

4. When you go visit your local liquor store, the clerk most often says:

A. “No new Spiderman’s today, sport!”
B. “What can I do for you?”
C. “Haven’t seen you for the last couple days. Been on vacation?”
D. “You finished all that already? You know, I only get one shipment a day.”

5. When women meet you, they usually remember you for:

A. Your brand new Sears cardigan
B. Your unusual talent in bed
C. You beer gut
D. The funny way you couldn’t stop shaking

6. You look forward to the Super Bowl most of all for:

A. The Michael Jackson Half time show!
B. The game, stupid.
D. An excuse to drink alone on Sunday

7. The fictional character you most resemble is:

A. Mr. Rogers
B. Ferris Bueller
C. Homer Simpson
D. Norm Peterson

8. When you have a little time alone, you most often:

A. Call up the girls you like and hang up after hearing their voices. Then, call again
B. Savor it
C. Relax with the Bulls and a six pack
D. Try to beat your record time for getting drunk and passing out

9. Your favorite book is:

A. Any of the Hardy Boys mysteries
B. Catcher in the Rye
C. Clockwork Orange
D. What’s a book?

10. The biggest reason you drink is:

A. Milk it does a body good
B. You enjoy the thirst-quenching barley-and-hops goodness of the occasional cold beer
C. When the Bud Girls finally show up, you better have a beer handy
D. Orange juice just tastes funny without vodka

Score Your Answers…

Now, count how many times you picked each letter and find your most common response. If you’re having trouble counting because you’re too drunk, just forget it and go directly to “D”

A. Loosen up, man. Try wearing boxers, eating Jell-O with your fingers or experimenting with the F-word. Anything!

B. All right, cool daddy, you’re doing fine. You control the firewater; it doesn’t control you. Let others tremble in awe-you are in charge of your own destiny.

C. Watch it. You’re beginning to rely on alcohol too much for having a good time. Step back and enjoy life a little more. Booze is supposed to make good times better, not create them all by itself.

D. The nationwide number for Alcoholics Anonymous is 1-800-950-9888. Call it immediately!

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