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Related:  Celebrity (+963), Technology (+1815)      

Beware of the following new computer viruses!!

ACLU VIRUS
This program abhors the destructive effects of other virus programs, but will energetically defend the rights of pimple riddled 13 year old boys from Skokie, IL to freely distribute them.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS
It takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.

AIRBAG VIRUS
Can only cause harm if you are a petite computer operator who sits too close to the screen. Provides a handy ON-OFF switch in most current release.

AIRLINE VIRUS
You’re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

ALLEN GINSBURG VIRUS
Seemed to come from nowhere. Extremely virulent, yet ineffectual. Attempts to invade all file systems of worldwide media organizations at once. Generates copious, conflicting press reports via an advanced randomly-parsing syntax generator developed by California hackers. Frequently found to have infiltrated expensive Washington restaurants.

APPLE VIRUS
Virus-8, originally planned as a revolutionary redesign of aging but classic virus software, had to be repackaged and simplified after the original attempt failed to keep up with rapidly shifting design goals. Fortunately, the current production version can infect older Macintoshes as well as the latest models.

ALTZHEIMERS VIRUS
It makes your computer forget where it put your files.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS
It terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back!

AT&T VIRUS
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

BILL CLINTON VIRUS
It doubles the files on your hard drive while it states it is decreasing the number of files, increases the cost of your computer, taxes its CPU to maximum capacity, and then uses Quicken to access your bank accounts and deplete your balances.

BILL CLINTON VIRUS #2
It tells you it’s executing any program you want, whether or not it’s on your computer.

Bill Gates VIRUS
This dominant strain searches for desirable features in all other viruses via the internet. It then either engulfs the competing viruses or removes their access to computers until they die out.

CHILD VIRUS
It constantly does annoying things, but is too cute to get rid of.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #1
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2
It runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn’t allow the user to accomplish anything.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS
Thers sumthin rong wit yur kompueter, butt ewe jsut cant figyour out watt.

DIET VIRUS
Allows your hard drive to lose weight by eliminating the FAT table.

DISNEY VIRUS
Everything in the computer goes Goofy.

DOLLY PARTON VIRUS
It sounds pretty good, but you’d swear your monitor looks larger and have more knobs than it used to. DEFLATE.COM removes it.

DONALD TRUMP VIRUS
Harmless unless you use online banking.

ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS
Your IBM suddenly claims it’s a MAC.

ELVIS VIRUS
Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self-destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS
It divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

FREUDIAN VIRUS
Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard or it becomes very jealous of the size of your friend’s hard disk.

GALLUP VIRUS
Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error)

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS
It starts by boldly stating, “Read my text…No new files!” onscreen, proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard disk with new, useless files, then blames it on the Congressional virus.

GEORGE MICHAEL VIRUS
Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup.

GERALDO RIVERA VIRUS
Digs dirt out of your files, but it airs the dirt for all to see. Temporarily disabled with CHAIR.EXE. Similar to Kitty Kelley virus but more generally annoying.

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

HEALTHCARE VIRUS
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4500.

HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON VIRUS
Files disappear, only to mysteriously reappear a year later in another directory.

HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS #2
It turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg overnight.

HOWARD STERN VIRUS
One of the dirtiest viruses around. It writes 4 letter words to all of your files just to annoy the operating system. It also installs an X-rated GIF on your hard drive. Very popular.

HURRICANE VIRUS
It blows away all your files, then tells you the government will help you rebuild them.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS
Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS #2
After depleting your bank account, returns to infect you again! Little footprints appear all over your screen, blocking out information. Unlimited shoe styles.

JANE FONDA VIRUS
It attacks your hard drive’s FAT.

JEFFREY DAHMER VIRUS
Eats away at your systems resources piece by piece.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS
Your programs can never be found again. (unless you work in the basement of the Meadowlands Sports Arena)

JIMMY SWAGGERT VIRUS
When caught, it begs for your forgiveness and to be released.

JOEY BUTTAFUACO VIRUS
It only enters minor files.

KITTY KELLEY VIRUS
A particularly nasty infection. It locates your personal files, activates your modem and spreads the dirt around to all the BBS’s you usually call. Embarrassing.

LEONA HELMSLEY VIRUS
Deletes files smaller than it is.

KEN STARR VIRUS
Developed in early 1990′s at considerable government expense. Claims to be working on one task but can quickly switch functions when the first process bogs down. Only operates on US government computers at this time. Tends to diminish effectiveness of more important programs by hogging most CPU cycles with infinite loops.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS
Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to; as an act of mercy.

LAPD VIRUS
It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in “self-defense.”

LAPD VIRUS #2
This is a reincarnation of the Ted Kennedy Virus but comes with videotape coverage of the crash and the ensuing insanity.

LORENA BOBBITT VIRUS
It turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.

LORENA BOBBITT VIRUS #2
Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it. Unfortunately, the area is permanently disabled.

MAFIA VIRUS
You don’t want it, but you’re afraid to get rid of it.

MARTHA STEWART VIRUS
Takes all your files, sorts them by category and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop.

MCI VIRUS
Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus.

MICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS
It preys on child processors.

MICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS #2
It’s BAD. Computer freaks out when you put flame or Pepsi next to it. Some people think it’s identical to the Latoya Jackson virus because they have both never been seen together.

MICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS #3
Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won’t harm your PC, but trashes your car.

MICROSOFT VIRUS
Virus ’98 is promised for initial Beta release by the second quarter of this year, but recent court actions by the federal government have cast doubt about Microsoft’s ability to incorporate this virus into the main OS in a seamless manner. A.K.A. Windows 98.

MIKE TYSON VIRUS
Leaves its mark on you XXX.GIF files. Quits after one byte.

MONICA LEWINSKY VIRUS
It sucks the juice out of your system, then activates the Independent Counsel virus.

MONICA LEWINSKY VIRUS
This one sucks. A low level virus that enters restricted parts of your file system 36 times yet there’s, like, no record of its activity. When it runs it has no improper relationship with your computer’s executive software yet it’s effectiveness is somehow diminished. See also Ken Starr Virus.

MORAL MAJORITY VIRUS
This modest virus claimed great influence in the 1980′s, but fell behind in features and upgrades and was finally abandoned by it’s developers.

NATIONAL PUBLIC RADIO VIRUS
This virus design used to be quite influential and innovative when it’s original release was publicly funded. After Government funding cuts yanked it’s teeth, the designers sold out to corporate interests and it no longer affects your data much.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS
Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

NEWT GINGRICH VIRUS
It repartitions your hard disk into two volumes yet allocates most of the available resources to the ‘Right’ partition. When attacked by anti-virus software from the ‘left’ partition, it terminates and restarts to continue it’s work as a background process.

O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS
It claims that it did not, could not, and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.

O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS #2
You know it killed your system but you just can’t prove it.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS
It plays a patriotic RealAudio clip while it shreds your files.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS
Claims that if you don’t send it a million dollars, it’s programmer will take it back.

PACIFICA RADIO VIRUS
Last of the In-Your-Face viruses, unmoved by endorsements from the Archer Daniels Midland company. Mainly attacks the hard drives of tin-pot autocrats and entrenched bureaucrats. Occasionally induces narcoleptic trance in the computer operator.

PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS
Your system works fine, but complains loudly about foreign software. Shifts all output to the extreme right of the screen.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS
This revolutionary virus doesn’t horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack – once if by LAN, twice if by C:>.

PBS VIRUS
Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for a tax deductible contribution.

RODNEY KING VIRUS
Just sits there but when it is detected you’d swear the virus scanner was demolishing your entire system.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS
Never calls itself a “virus,” but instead refers to itself as an “electronic microorganism.”

POPE JOHN PAUL VIRUS
Deletes all your dirty files and blesses the rest.

RICHARD NIXON VIRUS
A.K.A. the “Tricky Dick Virus.” You can wipe it out, but it keeps making a comeback. Choice of China.

RICHARD SIMMONS VIRUS
Deletes FAT table.

ROBERT ALTON HARRIS VIRUS
Kills two of your best files but it takes 14 years for un-deletion to rid the viral presence.

RODNEY DANGERFIELD VIRUS
Gets no respect. Only allows data do be displayed as one-liners.

RONALD REAGAN VIRUS
It puts your hard drive to sleep, but if detected, claims it doesn’t remember being there.

RONALD REAGAN VIRUS #2
It saves your data but forgets where it’s stored.

ROSANNE BARR VIRUS
Plays the National Anthem at boot-up. Even worse with a sound card.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS
After several years, the damage caused by this little virus is still unclear. It often displays impressive graphics which have little relevance to the users interests or needs.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS #2
It activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits.

RUSH LIMBOUGH VIRUS
This virus produces an amplified, continuous, babbling sound in Dolby Stereo as it grows to fill all available space on your hard disk. Fortunately, it’s virulence is low as it has difficulty finding willing code fragments that will support it’s replication.

RUSH LIMBAUGH VIRUS #2
Probably the most dangerous virus we’ve ever seen. It occupies 50Mb, complains about all the other files, then eats them. It’s so stupid you don’t take it seriously until it’s too late.

SADDAM HUSSEIN VIRUS
This virus, first developed in the software labs of Western democracies, attacks it’s closest neighbors first and then fragments to hide it’s most virulent components in the hidden folders of your disk drive. As a defense mechanism, it claims that commercial virus detection software insults it’s national dignity, whatever THAT is.

SHARON STONE VIRUS
Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it’s there.

SONNY BONO VIRUS
Just when you get to surfing the web, a firewall appears out of nowhere.

SPICE GIRL VIRUS
Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.

STAR TREK VIRUS
Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

STEVE FORBES VIRUS
All files reported as the same size.

TAMMY FAYE BAKKER VIRUS
Plays “Praise the Lord and Pass the Ammunition!”

TED TURNER VIRUS
Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

TEENAGER VIRUS
Your PC stops every few seconds to ask for money.

TEXAS VIRUS
Makes sure that it’s bigger than any other file.

TIM ALLEN VIRUS
Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact.

TITANIC VIRUS
You get a sinking feeling when your system crashes.

TOBACCO INDUSTRY VIRUS
It contends that there is no reliable scientific evidence that viruses can harm you computer or that it targets adolescent computer users.

TONYA HARDING VIRUS
It turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.

WARREN BEATTY VIRUS
Constantly tries to prove its virility by attaching itself to younger or newer files.

WATERGATE VIRUS
Erases 18 minutes off your tape backup.

WOODY ALLEN VIRUS
It bypasses the motherboard and corrupts a daughter card.

X-FILES VIRUS
All your icons start shape-shifting.

YUGOSLAVIA VIRUS
Immediately fragments into several autonomous parts, then violently tries to reassemble itself for the next 150 years.

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Related:  Christmas (+1018)      

* Your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve is gin, vodka and bourbon.

* You turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep carolers away.

* You buy all of your Christmas gifts at a store that also sells gas.

* Your favorite version of “A Christmas Carol” stars Bob Packwood or Bill Clinton.

* Your favorite version of “Babes in Toyland” stars Michael Jackson.

* Your favorite version of “The Nutcracker” stars Andrew Golata.

* You get your Christmas Tree at a rest stop at night.

* You give bathroom fixtures as Christmas gifts.

* Your prized Christmas ornament is Santa Claus shooting the moon.

* Your favorite Christmas movie is Jurassic Park.

* Your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack of beer and a cheese log.

* You think “Ho, Ho, Ho” is a line from a Rocky movie.

* Your best Christmas tradition involves a fire and reindeer meat.

* You use your Christmas Club money to buy wrestling tickets.

* Your favorite version of “Silent Night” is sung by OJ Simpson.

* Your favorite version of “I’m dreaming of a white Christmas” is sung by the KKK choir (Red Neck version).

* Your favorite pastime is putting defective bulbs in your neighbors’ string of Christmas lights or defacing Christmas lawn ornaments with egg nog.

* Your only holiday decoration is a rotting pumpkin.

* You reuse last year’s Christmas cards and send them out under your own name.

* You steal light bulbs from you neighbor’s outdoor display to replenish your own supply.

* You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer.

* You put out last year’s stale candy canes for children.

* You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Wal-Mart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale’s or other prestige box to impress your friends.

* You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day.

* At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home.

* You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own.

* After an invitation to a friend’s house, you bring a commercially produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as home made.

* You steal gifts from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins.

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32429)      

If your only contact with three spirits on Christmas Eve is gin, vodka and bourbon
- you just might be a Scrooge

If you turn on the lawn sprinklers on Christmas Eve to keep carolers away
- you just might be a Scrooge

If you buy all of your Christmas gifts at a store that also sells gas
- you just might be a Scrooge

If your favorite version of “A Christmas Carol” stars Bob Packwood or Bill Clinton
- you just might be a Scrooge

If your favorite version of “Babes in Toyland” stars Michael Jackson
- you just might be a Scrooge

If your favorite version of “The Nutcracker” stars Andrew Golata
- you just might be a Scrooge

If you get your Christmas Tree at a rest stop at night
- you just might be a Scrooge

If you give bathroom fixtures as Christmas gifts
- you just might be a Scrooge

If your prized Christmas ornament is Santa Claus shooting the moon
- you just might be a Scrooge

If your favorite Christmas movie is Jurassic Park
- you just might be a Scrooge

If your idea of Christmas dinner is a six pack of beer and a cheese log
- you just might be a Scrooge

If you think “Ho, Ho, Ho” is a line from a Rocky movie
- you just might be a Scrooge

If your best Christmas tradition involves a fire and reindeer meat
- you just might be a Scrooge

If you use your Christmas Club money to buy wrestling tickets
- you just might be a scrooge

If your favorite pasttime is putting defective bulbs in your neighbors’ string of Christmas lights or defacing Christmas lawn charicatures with egg nog
- you just might be a Scrooge

If your only holiday decoration is a rotting pumpkin
- you just might be a Scrooge

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32429)      

15 Pet Peeves Of Morticians…
Best make-up artist in the world, but your models never make the cover of Cosmo.
No moth, no Jodie Foster — just leaves, dirt, and regular dead folks.
Only 3 hits this month on the “World O’ Coffins” web site.
Tough to convince anyone to let you place bodies in action poses.
Ask any chem prof what happens when you mix embalming fluid and breast implants… WHAMMO!
Working alone late at night inevitably results in an extreme attack of “the willies.”
Hard to close the lid on Eroto-Asphyxiation victims.
Embalming fluid bottle looks an *awful* lot like Colt 45 bottle.
Toe tag paper cuts.
The wife keeps asking if you could bring a little more rigor mortis home, if you know what I mean.
Nobody visits your booth at junior high “Career Days.”
Every time Keith Richards gets mistakenly hauled in, it costs *us* money.
At Thanksgiving, no one even TOUCHES your giblet gravy.
Constant complaints of, “But he looks like Michael Jackson!”
and the Number 1 Pet Peeve Of Morticians…
Dying in each other’s arms may sound romantic, but once rigor mortis sets in, it just means overtime.

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32429)      

What’s the similarity between Michael Jackson and McDonalds?

They both stick their beef between 9 year old buns.

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