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Related:  Redneck (+1460)      

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.

3. It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32382)      

X-files virus:
All your Icons start shape shifting

Spice Girl virus:
Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop

Ronald Reagan virus:
Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored

Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus:
Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them

Sonny Bono virus:
Just when you get surfing the web, a firewall appears out of no where

Martha Stewart virus:
Takes all your files, sorts them by category and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop

AT&T virus:
Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting

MCI virus:
Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus:
Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back

Ellen Degeneres virus:
Your IBM suddenly claims it’s a MAC

Monica Lewinsky virus:
Sucks all the memory out of your computer

Titanic virus:
Makes your whole computer go down

Disney virus:
Everything in the computer goes Goofy

Mike Tyson virus:
Quits after one byte

Prozac virus:
Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn’t care

Sharon Stone virus:
Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it’s there.

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Related:  Holidays (+1418)      

December 1 – Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.

December 2 – Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3 – Using candlewick and hand gilded miniature pinecones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.

December 4 – Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5 – Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6 – Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer Committee for consideration.

December 7 – Debug Windows 2000

December 10 – Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11 – Lay Faberge egg.

December 12 – Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13 – Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

December 14 – Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15 – Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade “holiday scents” in case tires are shot out at mall.

December 17 – Child-proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 19 – Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20 – Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner’s sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21 – Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

December 22 – Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23 – Seed clouds for white Christmas.

December 24 – Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.

December 25 – Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.

December 26 – Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 27 – Build snowman in exact likeness of Jesus.

December 31 – New Year’s Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.

January 1 – Write out meaningful resolutions on wall of new jail cell in decorative calligraphy in a crisp, cotton orange prisoner jumpsuit. At least the new year will start off with a bright splash of color.

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32382)      

Introducing the new, Improved MID – LIFE BARBIE: Now, at long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully.
These are a bit more realistic…

Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended – lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half – frames too)! neck chain and large – print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie’s bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues.

Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie’s hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie’s droopy triceps with these new, roomier – sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too, muumuus with tummy – support panels are included.

Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie’s dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow’s-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle – Spackle, from Barbie’s own line of exclusive age – blasting cosmetics.

Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with mini – van in robin – egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, and Ken’s boat.

Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book “Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self” is included.

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Related:  Women (+411)      

* Martha’s Way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
* The Real Woman’s Way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete’s sake, you are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.

* Martha’s Way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
* Real Woman’s Way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

* Martha’s Way: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
* The Real Woman’s Way: Go to the bakery. They’ll even decorate it for you.

* Martha’s Way: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it’s still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant “fix me up.”
* The Real Woman’s Way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that’s too damn bad; I made it and you will eat it and I don’t care how bad it tastes.

* Martha’s Way: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
* The Real Woman’s Way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

* Martha’s Way: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
* The Real Woman’s Way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie box does not say anything about brushing egg whites over the crust.

* Martha’s Way: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
* The Real Woman’s Way: Take a lime, mix it with tequila, etc., chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares?

* Martha’s Way: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
* The Real Woman’s Way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

And finally the most important tip…

* Martha’s Way: Don’t throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze it into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
* The Real Woman’s Way: Leftover wine???

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