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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32431)      

X-files virus:
All your Icons start shape shifting

Spice Girl virus:
Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop

Ronald Reagan virus:
Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored

Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus:
Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them

Sonny Bono virus:
Just when you get surfing the web, a firewall appears out of no where

Martha Stewart virus:
Takes all your files, sorts them by category and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop

AT&T virus:
Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting

MCI virus:
Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus:
Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back

Ellen Degeneres virus:
Your IBM suddenly claims it’s a MAC

Monica Lewinsky virus:
Sucks all the memory out of your computer

Titanic virus:
Makes your whole computer go down

Disney virus:
Everything in the computer goes Goofy

Mike Tyson virus:
Quits after one byte

Prozac virus:
Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn’t care

Sharon Stone virus:
Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it’s there.

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Related:  Holidays (+1419)      

December 1 – Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.

December 2 – Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3 – Using candlewick and hand gilded miniature pinecones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.

December 4 – Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5 – Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6 – Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer Committee for consideration.

December 7 – Debug Windows 2000

December 10 – Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11 – Lay Faberge egg.

December 12 – Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13 – Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

December 14 – Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15 – Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade “holiday scents” in case tires are shot out at mall.

December 17 – Child-proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 19 – Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20 – Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner’s sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21 – Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

December 22 – Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23 – Seed clouds for white Christmas.

December 24 – Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.

December 25 – Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color-coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.

December 26 – Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 27 – Build snowman in exact likeness of Jesus.

December 31 – New Year’s Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.

January 1 – Write out meaningful resolutions on wall of new jail cell in decorative calligraphy in a crisp, cotton orange prisoner jumpsuit. At least the new year will start off with a bright splash of color.

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32431)      

Introducing the new, Improved MID – LIFE BARBIE: Now, at long last, here are some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide with her and OUR aging gracefully.
These are a bit more realistic…

Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended – lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half – frames too)! neck chain and large – print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie’s bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead. Comes with handheld fan and tiny tissues.

Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie’s hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow. Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

Flabby Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie’s droopy triceps with these new, roomier – sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too, muumuus with tummy – support panels are included.

Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie’s dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

No-More-Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow’s-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle – Spackle, from Barbie’s own line of exclusive age – blasting cosmetics.

Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken, Jr. Comes with mini – van in robin – egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

Divorced Barbie. Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, and Ken’s boat.

Post-Menopausal Barbie. This Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes, forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex. As a bonus this year, the book “Getting In Touch with Your Inner Self” is included.

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Related:  Women (+410)      

* Martha’s Way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
* The Real Woman’s Way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete’s sake, you are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.

* Martha’s Way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
* Real Woman’s Way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

* Martha’s Way: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
* The Real Woman’s Way: Go to the bakery. They’ll even decorate it for you.

* Martha’s Way: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it’s still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant “fix me up.”
* The Real Woman’s Way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that’s too damn bad; I made it and you will eat it and I don’t care how bad it tastes.

* Martha’s Way: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
* The Real Woman’s Way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

* Martha’s Way: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
* The Real Woman’s Way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie box does not say anything about brushing egg whites over the crust.

* Martha’s Way: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
* The Real Woman’s Way: Take a lime, mix it with tequila, etc., chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares?

* Martha’s Way: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
* The Real Woman’s Way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

And finally the most important tip…

* Martha’s Way: Don’t throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze it into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
* The Real Woman’s Way: Leftover wine???

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Related:  Celebrity (+963), Technology (+1814)      

Beware of the following new computer viruses!!

ACLU VIRUS
This program abhors the destructive effects of other virus programs, but will energetically defend the rights of pimple riddled 13 year old boys from Skokie, IL to freely distribute them.

ADAM AND EVE VIRUS
It takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.

AIRBAG VIRUS
Can only cause harm if you are a petite computer operator who sits too close to the screen. Provides a handy ON-OFF switch in most current release.

AIRLINE VIRUS
You’re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.

ALLEN GINSBURG VIRUS
Seemed to come from nowhere. Extremely virulent, yet ineffectual. Attempts to invade all file systems of worldwide media organizations at once. Generates copious, conflicting press reports via an advanced randomly-parsing syntax generator developed by California hackers. Frequently found to have infiltrated expensive Washington restaurants.

APPLE VIRUS
Virus-8, originally planned as a revolutionary redesign of aging but classic virus software, had to be repackaged and simplified after the original attempt failed to keep up with rapidly shifting design goals. Fortunately, the current production version can infect older Macintoshes as well as the latest models.

ALTZHEIMERS VIRUS
It makes your computer forget where it put your files.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS
It terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back!

AT&T VIRUS
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

BILL CLINTON VIRUS
It doubles the files on your hard drive while it states it is decreasing the number of files, increases the cost of your computer, taxes its CPU to maximum capacity, and then uses Quicken to access your bank accounts and deplete your balances.

BILL CLINTON VIRUS #2
It tells you it’s executing any program you want, whether or not it’s on your computer.

Bill Gates VIRUS
This dominant strain searches for desirable features in all other viruses via the internet. It then either engulfs the competing viruses or removes their access to computers until they die out.

CHILD VIRUS
It constantly does annoying things, but is too cute to get rid of.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #1
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS #2
It runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn’t allow the user to accomplish anything.

DAN QUAYLE VIRUS
Thers sumthin rong wit yur kompueter, butt ewe jsut cant figyour out watt.

DIET VIRUS
Allows your hard drive to lose weight by eliminating the FAT table.

DISNEY VIRUS
Everything in the computer goes Goofy.

DOLLY PARTON VIRUS
It sounds pretty good, but you’d swear your monitor looks larger and have more knobs than it used to. DEFLATE.COM removes it.

DONALD TRUMP VIRUS
Harmless unless you use online banking.

ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS
Your IBM suddenly claims it’s a MAC.

ELVIS VIRUS
Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy and then self-destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS
It divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

FREUDIAN VIRUS
Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard or it becomes very jealous of the size of your friend’s hard disk.

GALLUP VIRUS
Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error)

GEORGE BUSH VIRUS
It starts by boldly stating, “Read my text…No new files!” onscreen, proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard disk with new, useless files, then blames it on the Congressional virus.

GEORGE MICHAEL VIRUS
Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup.

GERALDO RIVERA VIRUS
Digs dirt out of your files, but it airs the dirt for all to see. Temporarily disabled with CHAIR.EXE. Similar to Kitty Kelley virus but more generally annoying.

GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

HEALTHCARE VIRUS
Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4500.

HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON VIRUS
Files disappear, only to mysteriously reappear a year later in another directory.

HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS #2
It turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg overnight.

HOWARD STERN VIRUS
One of the dirtiest viruses around. It writes 4 letter words to all of your files just to annoy the operating system. It also installs an X-rated GIF on your hard drive. Very popular.

HURRICANE VIRUS
It blows away all your files, then tells you the government will help you rebuild them.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS
Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

IMELDA MARCOS VIRUS #2
After depleting your bank account, returns to infect you again! Little footprints appear all over your screen, blocking out information. Unlimited shoe styles.

JANE FONDA VIRUS
It attacks your hard drive’s FAT.

JEFFREY DAHMER VIRUS
Eats away at your systems resources piece by piece.

JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS
Your programs can never be found again. (unless you work in the basement of the Meadowlands Sports Arena)

JIMMY SWAGGERT VIRUS
When caught, it begs for your forgiveness and to be released.

JOEY BUTTAFUACO VIRUS
It only enters minor files.

KITTY KELLEY VIRUS
A particularly nasty infection. It locates your personal files, activates your modem and spreads the dirt around to all the BBS’s you usually call. Embarrassing.

LEONA HELMSLEY VIRUS
Deletes files smaller than it is.

KEN STARR VIRUS
Developed in early 1990′s at considerable government expense. Claims to be working on one task but can quickly switch functions when the first process bogs down. Only operates on US government computers at this time. Tends to diminish effectiveness of more important programs by hogging most CPU cycles with infinite loops.

KEVORKIAN VIRUS
Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to; as an act of mercy.

LAPD VIRUS
It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in “self-defense.”

LAPD VIRUS #2
This is a reincarnation of the Ted Kennedy Virus but comes with videotape coverage of the crash and the ensuing insanity.

LORENA BOBBITT VIRUS
It turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.

LORENA BOBBITT VIRUS #2
Removes a vital part of your hard disk then re-attaches it. Unfortunately, the area is permanently disabled.

MAFIA VIRUS
You don’t want it, but you’re afraid to get rid of it.

MARTHA STEWART VIRUS
Takes all your files, sorts them by category and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop.

MCI VIRUS
Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus.

MICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS
It preys on child processors.

MICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS #2
It’s BAD. Computer freaks out when you put flame or Pepsi next to it. Some people think it’s identical to the Latoya Jackson virus because they have both never been seen together.

MICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS #3
Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This virus won’t harm your PC, but trashes your car.

MICROSOFT VIRUS
Virus ’98 is promised for initial Beta release by the second quarter of this year, but recent court actions by the federal government have cast doubt about Microsoft’s ability to incorporate this virus into the main OS in a seamless manner. A.K.A. Windows 98.

MIKE TYSON VIRUS
Leaves its mark on you XXX.GIF files. Quits after one byte.

MONICA LEWINSKY VIRUS
It sucks the juice out of your system, then activates the Independent Counsel virus.

MONICA LEWINSKY VIRUS
This one sucks. A low level virus that enters restricted parts of your file system 36 times yet there’s, like, no record of its activity. When it runs it has no improper relationship with your computer’s executive software yet it’s effectiveness is somehow diminished. See also Ken Starr Virus.

MORAL MAJORITY VIRUS
This modest virus claimed great influence in the 1980′s, but fell behind in features and upgrades and was finally abandoned by it’s developers.

NATIONAL PUBLIC RADIO VIRUS
This virus design used to be quite influential and innovative when it’s original release was publicly funded. After Government funding cuts yanked it’s teeth, the designers sold out to corporate interests and it no longer affects your data much.

NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS
Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

NEWT GINGRICH VIRUS
It repartitions your hard disk into two volumes yet allocates most of the available resources to the ‘Right’ partition. When attacked by anti-virus software from the ‘left’ partition, it terminates and restarts to continue it’s work as a background process.

O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS
It claims that it did not, could not, and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.

O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS #2
You know it killed your system but you just can’t prove it.

OLLIE NORTH VIRUS
It plays a patriotic RealAudio clip while it shreds your files.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

ORAL ROBERTS VIRUS
Claims that if you don’t send it a million dollars, it’s programmer will take it back.

PACIFICA RADIO VIRUS
Last of the In-Your-Face viruses, unmoved by endorsements from the Archer Daniels Midland company. Mainly attacks the hard drives of tin-pot autocrats and entrenched bureaucrats. Occasionally induces narcoleptic trance in the computer operator.

PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS
Your system works fine, but complains loudly about foreign software. Shifts all output to the extreme right of the screen.

PAUL REVERE VIRUS
This revolutionary virus doesn’t horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack – once if by LAN, twice if by C:>.

PBS VIRUS
Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for a tax deductible contribution.

RODNEY KING VIRUS
Just sits there but when it is detected you’d swear the virus scanner was demolishing your entire system.

POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS
Never calls itself a “virus,” but instead refers to itself as an “electronic microorganism.”

POPE JOHN PAUL VIRUS
Deletes all your dirty files and blesses the rest.

RICHARD NIXON VIRUS
A.K.A. the “Tricky Dick Virus.” You can wipe it out, but it keeps making a comeback. Choice of China.

RICHARD SIMMONS VIRUS
Deletes FAT table.

ROBERT ALTON HARRIS VIRUS
Kills two of your best files but it takes 14 years for un-deletion to rid the viral presence.

RODNEY DANGERFIELD VIRUS
Gets no respect. Only allows data do be displayed as one-liners.

RONALD REAGAN VIRUS
It puts your hard drive to sleep, but if detected, claims it doesn’t remember being there.

RONALD REAGAN VIRUS #2
It saves your data but forgets where it’s stored.

ROSANNE BARR VIRUS
Plays the National Anthem at boot-up. Even worse with a sound card.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS
After several years, the damage caused by this little virus is still unclear. It often displays impressive graphics which have little relevance to the users interests or needs.

ROSS PEROT VIRUS #2
It activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits.

RUSH LIMBOUGH VIRUS
This virus produces an amplified, continuous, babbling sound in Dolby Stereo as it grows to fill all available space on your hard disk. Fortunately, it’s virulence is low as it has difficulty finding willing code fragments that will support it’s replication.

RUSH LIMBAUGH VIRUS #2
Probably the most dangerous virus we’ve ever seen. It occupies 50Mb, complains about all the other files, then eats them. It’s so stupid you don’t take it seriously until it’s too late.

SADDAM HUSSEIN VIRUS
This virus, first developed in the software labs of Western democracies, attacks it’s closest neighbors first and then fragments to hide it’s most virulent components in the hidden folders of your disk drive. As a defense mechanism, it claims that commercial virus detection software insults it’s national dignity, whatever THAT is.

SHARON STONE VIRUS
Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it’s there.

SONNY BONO VIRUS
Just when you get to surfing the web, a firewall appears out of nowhere.

SPICE GIRL VIRUS
Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.

STAR TREK VIRUS
Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

STEVE FORBES VIRUS
All files reported as the same size.

TAMMY FAYE BAKKER VIRUS
Plays “Praise the Lord and Pass the Ammunition!”

TED TURNER VIRUS
Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

TEENAGER VIRUS
Your PC stops every few seconds to ask for money.

TEXAS VIRUS
Makes sure that it’s bigger than any other file.

TIM ALLEN VIRUS
Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact.

TITANIC VIRUS
You get a sinking feeling when your system crashes.

TOBACCO INDUSTRY VIRUS
It contends that there is no reliable scientific evidence that viruses can harm you computer or that it targets adolescent computer users.

TONYA HARDING VIRUS
It turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.

WARREN BEATTY VIRUS
Constantly tries to prove its virility by attaching itself to younger or newer files.

WATERGATE VIRUS
Erases 18 minutes off your tape backup.

WOODY ALLEN VIRUS
It bypasses the motherboard and corrupts a daughter card.

X-FILES VIRUS
All your icons start shape-shifting.

YUGOSLAVIA VIRUS
Immediately fragments into several autonomous parts, then violently tries to reassemble itself for the next 150 years.

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