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Related:  Christmas (+1018)      

December 1
Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Spray paint gold, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards.

December 2
Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine.

December 3
Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener.

December 4
Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim.

December 5
Get new eyeglasses. Grind lenses myself.

December 6
Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration.

December 7
Debug Windows ’98.

December 10
Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

December 11
Lay Faberge egg.

December 12
Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

December 13
Collect Dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

December 14
Install plumbing in gingerbread house.

December 15
Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade “holiday scents” in case tires are shot out at mall.

December 17
Child proof the Christmas tree with garland of razor wire.

December 19
Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat.

December 20
Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner’s sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture.

December 21
Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

December 22
Float votive candles in toilet tank.

December 23
Seed clouds for white Christmas.

December 24
Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are.

December 25
Bear son. Swaddle. Lay in color coordinated manger scented with homemade potpourri.

December 26
Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

December 27
Build snowman in exact likeness of God.

December 31
New Year’s Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call a friend in each time zone of the world as the clock strikes midnight in that country.

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Related:  Dog (+336)      

* There’s potpourri hanging from his/her collar.

* The dog’s nails have been cut with pinking shears.

* The dog toys are all stored in McCoy crocks.

* The pooper scooper has been decorated with raffia.

* That telltale lemon slice in the new silver waterbowl.

* You find liver and whole wheat dog treats stamped out with copper cookie cutters and decorated with royal icing using a #2 rosette tip.

* Dog hair has been collected and put into wire baskets for nesting material for the birds.

* A seasonally appropriate grapevine wreath adorns the front of your dog’s crate.

* Your dog goes outside naked and comes in wearing a thyme colored virgin wool handknitted sweater with matching boots.

* The dog droppings in your backyard have been sculpted into swans.

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Related:  Holidays (+1418)      

Santa is GAY! I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe Santa’s gay. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing social deal, and I have a tough time believing a straight man could possibly pull it all off! For starters, think about the planning that goes into an event like Christmas. Even Martha Stewart is envious.

Straight men have day jobs, so they wouldn’t have time to stand at the local shopping malls and ring a bell all day. But if you’re a gay, out-of-work Actor/Dancer/Waiter it’s the perfect gig until you get your big break. Also, if he were straight he would have picked a more masculine animal than the reindeer to get him around, like horses or oxen, but the reindeer just happens to appeal to Santa’s inherent sense of grace and beauty. And those names: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen? Fill in the blanks.

Mrs. Claus has been married to him for eons and he’s never fathered a child with her, she’s over-weight and still content… Can you say “Fag-hag”?

Ever thought about the Rudolph story? He’s gay too! “All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names. They never let poor Rudolph join in any reindeer games.” (as if he wanted to). Isn’t Rudolph really a metaphor for the gay child in a straight society anyway?

Ever ask yourself why fruitcake is the traditional dessert at Christmas time? Well, now you know. And stop pretending you don’t like it. Deep down inside, you’ve always liked fruitcake.

Other reasons why Santa can’t possibly be a straight man:

* Look at the size of the bag he packs for a one night trip!
* Red velvet, fur collar, black engineer boots… think people!
* Physically he’s a wet dream for the Girth and Mirth club and the perfect poster model for GMSMA.
* Gay men have long been using stockings to hide their candy.
* Ho Ho / Homo… a little too similar if you ask me.
* That long over-night flight around the world taps into the flight attendant gene. And one more thing, did you ever know a straight man named Nicholas? Oh, straight society has tried to butch up his image by calling him St. Nick, but we know better. It’s Nicholas, damn it! Ms. Claus if you’re nasty. Merry Christmas!

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Related:  Women (+410)      

* Martha’s Way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
* The Real Woman’s Way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete’s sake, you are probably lying on the couch, with your feet up, eating it anyway.

* Martha’s Way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
* Real Woman’s Way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

* Martha’s Way: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won’t be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
* The Real Woman’s Way: Go to the bakery. They’ll even decorate it for you.

* Martha’s Way: If you accidentally over salt a dish while it’s still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant “fix me up.”
* The Real Woman’s Way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that’s too damn bad; I made it and you will eat it and I don’t care how bad it tastes.

* Martha’s Way: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
* The Real Woman’s Way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

* Martha’s Way: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
* The Real Woman’s Way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie box does not say anything about brushing egg whites over the crust.

* Martha’s Way: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.
* The Real Woman’s Way: Take a lime, mix it with tequila, etc., chill and drink. You might still have the headache, but who cares?

* Martha’s Way: If you have a problem opening jars, try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
* The Real Woman’s Way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

And finally the most important tip…

* Martha’s Way: Don’t throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze it into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
* The Real Woman’s Way: Leftover wine???

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32428)      

X-files virus:
All your Icons start shape shifting

Spice Girl virus:
Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop

Ronald Reagan virus:
Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored

Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus:
Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them

Sonny Bono virus:
Just when you get surfing the web, a firewall appears out of no where

Martha Stewart virus:
Takes all your files, sorts them by category and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop

AT&T virus:
Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting

MCI virus:
Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus:
Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back

Ellen Degeneres virus:
Your IBM suddenly claims it’s a MAC

Monica Lewinsky virus:
Sucks all the memory out of your computer

Titanic virus:
Makes your whole computer go down

Disney virus:
Everything in the computer goes Goofy

Mike Tyson virus:
Quits after one byte

Prozac virus:
Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn’t care

Sharon Stone virus:
Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it’s there.

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