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Related:  Technology (+1816)      

The legendary search for a stable version of windows

In October 1999, three student filmmakers disappeared in a building in Redmond, Washington, while shooting a documentary. A week later, their footage was found. What follows is an edited transcript of that footage. Fortunately, I was able to cut the transcript, which was 385 pages, down to a half page by removing the profanity.

The would-be filmmakers are Heather, Josh, and Mike. They are attempting to document the Rare Glitch Project, a legendary version of Microsoft Windows designed to be compact and stable. As the film begins, Heather describes the first landmark, Coffee Rock, to the camera.

Heather says, “The way the legend goes, seven men were found sleeping in this break room, all the caffeine having been sucked out of their brains. They had markings on them that were made by a tiny piercing instrument that penetrated their skin while they were still alive. One symbol looked like a heart. Another was a hula girl that danced when he flexed his muscles.

“The next day, employees could see managers hovering nearby where the bodies once lay, but the men were nowhere to be found. But don’t be frightened, Mike — this story has nothing whatsoever to do with the rest of the film.”

The team makes a futile search for a graveyard called the Quality Assurance Labs. Instead, they find themselves surrounded by several piles of shredded paper. Mike looks suspiciously at the mounds, careful not to touch anything. “It looks like an e-mail evidence burial ground,” he says.

The trio is convinced that they are lost. They stumble across an abandoned programming laboratory filled with voodoo artifacts, one of which looks like a bespectacled Basic programmer, another like a bald guy holding a soup can. Josh logs in to one of the Windows NT workstations. He installs an application designed to hack into the network and find a map of the building. But the application won’t run.

Heather checks her FAQ. “It says to try installing Service Pack 5,” she says. Josh inserts a CD, installs the service pack, and reboots.

No luck. Heather adds, “It also says that if Service Pack 5 doesn’t fix the problem, then remove it, install these seven hot fixes, and then reinstall the app.” Josh clicks on the option to remove the service pack when he suddenly turns pale, overcome with fear. He looks around and sees the same thing everywhere. “What is this all over the monitors? It looks like blue … ”

“Blue slime?” Heather asks.

“Blue screens,” Josh answers.

Heather grabs the keyboard and reboots. But Windows NT simply boots to another blue screen of death. Heather reaches to her back pocket and grasps thin air. “Where’s the FAQ? Who took the FAQ?”

Mike squeals with evil laughter, “I shredded it! It was useless! NT is useless! The only thing more useless is this plot! This whole wing isn’t more than 10,000 square feet, and the audience is supposed to believe we can’t find our way out?”

Heather insists, “If we keep going south, we’ll get out. That has to be it. After all, the quality of Windows NT keeps going south, and that never stops it from getting out of the building.”

But after what seems like several years of slogging through the curved halls, Josh shouts, “I don’t believe it. Even though we’ve gone in a complete circle, we’re mysteriously back where we started.”

Mike adds, “Admit it. It’s Windows NT all over again.”

Heather insists, “No. No, it can’t be. This is Windows 2000. Honest. It’s … it’s … I don’t believe it. It is. It’s the same darned product.” Mike films a few hours of Heather sobbing uncontrollably.

The next day, Josh vanishes into a black hole — presumably the same one that consumed MS-DOS 7, Cairo, Zero Administration Windows, Windows security, your IT budget, Jimmy Hoffa, and the real killers of Nicole Brown-Simpson. Mike chases a specter of Josh into a broken-down corridor. Heather chases Mike until she finds him facing a corner of the room. She whimpers, “What are you looking for, Mike?”

“A way to end this film,” he replies.

Heather places a dunce hat on Mike, then stares into the lens and sobs, “I am so, so sorry,” and then drops the camera.

You don’t know the half of it, Heather.

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32429)      

DANGER: new viruses discovered!:
Congressional Virus v
2.0 : Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn’t allow the user to accomplish anything.
Tipper Gore Virus : When you attempt to play any sound file, it pops up a warning window stating that some lyrics may be unsuitable for children.
Government Ecomomist Virus : Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
New World Order Virus : Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
Warren Commission Virus : Won’t allow you to open your files for 75 years.
David Duke Virus : Makes your screen go completely white.
Pat Buchanan Virus : Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.
Texas Virus : Makes sure it’s bigger than any other file.
Adam And Eve Virus : Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
Warren Beatty Virus : Constantly tries to prove it’s virility by attaching itself to younger or newer files.
Airline Virus : You’re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
Freudian Virus : Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
PBS Virus : Your PC stops what it’s doing every few minutes to ask for money.
Jimmy Hoffa Virus : Nobody can find it.
Kevorkian Virus : Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to.
Healthcare Virus : Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends a you a bill for $4,
500.
LAPD Virus : It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in “self-defence”.
Billy Graham Virus : When you save a file, it prints, “I am saved!” to the screen.
Michael Jackson Virus : Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This Virus won’t harm your PC, but it will trash your car.
And finally…
JokeGalore.com Virus : poses as a harmless list of funny computer Virus names! Is quickly passed from one user to all other users known via e-mail, consequently consuming all known network resources.

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32429)      

Should you receive a document with any of the following viruses, you must immediately open the window and throw out your computer. I repeat, do not ever again use your computer should it be infected with ANY of these horrible viruses.
1. Freudian Virus
Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. Or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend’s hard drive.
2. Lorena Bobbit Virus
Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.
3. Tonya Harding Virus
Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.
4. Paul Revere Virus
Warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:
5. Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus
Instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg.
6. Ollie North Virus
Plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files.
7. Joey Buttafuaco Virus
Only attacks minor files.
8. Ronald Reagan Virus
Saves your data, but forgets where it’s stored.
9. Jane Fonda Virus
Attacks your hard drive’s FAT.
10. Oprah Winfrey Virus
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.
11. AT&T Virus
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
12. MCI Virus
Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus.
13. Politically Correct Virus
Never calls itself a “virus,” but instead refers to itself as an “electronic microorganism.”
14. Ross Perot Virus
Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits.
15. Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus
Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back.
16. Government Economist Virus
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
17. Federal Bureaucrat Virus
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
18. Adam and Eve Virus
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.
19. Congressional Virus #1
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
20. Congressional Virus #2
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn’t allow the user to accomplish anything.
21. Airline Virus
You’re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
22. PBS Virus
Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.
23. Jimmy Hoffa Virus
Your programs can never be found again.
24. LAPD Virus
It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in “self-defense.”
25. O.J. Virus
It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.
CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED!!!!!

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Related:  Valentine's Day (+249)      

15. My love for you… it came and went.
So your feet are now in wet cement.

14. I’m here To fulfill your fondest wishes
Now that your husband sleeps with the fishes.

13. Lie down with me — it’s my final offa,
Or you’ll be lying wit’ Jimmy Hoffa.

12. I picked up this card from a slim selection
But that’s all they offer here in witness protection.
Love, J. Doe

11. I’ve waited so long for you to be mine.
Now that Sinatra’s dead, be *my* Valentine.

10. Be my Valentine, and we can do it execution-style.

9. Cinderella got her fella, with a slipper made of glass;
So please be mine, Valentine, or I’ll have to whack your ass.

8. Violets are blue, roses are red,
I blew up your car — So why ain’t you dead?

7. The day we met, my little pet, I knew with just one look
You’d bear a son, and now that’s done, So shut your mouth and cook!

6. Hey.

5. Youse da greatest. Youse da best.
But you’re as untouchable as Elliot Ness.

4. Lust is fleeting, true love lingers.
Be mine always and you’ll keep your fingers.

3. Hope da chocolates is good, but y’know, dis ain’t really what a guy’s heart looks like.

2. Valentine, Dear, lend me a hand
So I won’t be a self-made man.

1. When a goon makes you die,
Cuz you told him goodbye — that’s amore!

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Related:  Valentine's Day (+249)      

15. My love for you… it came and went.
So your feet are now in wet cement.

14. I’m here To fulfill your fondest wishes
Now that your husband sleeps with the fishes.

13. Lie down with me — it’s my final offa,
Or you’ll be lying wit’ Jimmy Hoffa.

12. I picked up this card from a slim selection
But that’s all they offer here in witness protection.
Love, J. Doe

11. I’ve waited so long for you to be mine.
Now that Sinatra’s dead, be *my* Valentine.

10. Be my Valentine, and we can do it execution-style.

9. Cinderella got her fella, with a slipper made of glass;
So please be mine, Valentine, or I’ll have to whack your ass.

8. Violets are blue, roses are red,
I blew up your car — So why ain’t you dead?

7. The day we met, my little pet, I knew with just one look
You’d bear a son, and now that’s done, So shut your mouth and cook!

6. Hey.

5. Youse da greatest. Youse da best.
But you’re as untouchable as Elliot Ness.

4. Lust is fleeting, true love lingers.
Be mine always and you’ll keep your fingers.

3. Hope da chocolates is good, but y’know, dis ain’t really what a guy’s heart looks like.

2. Valentine, Dear, lend me a hand
So I won’t be a self-made man.

1. When a goon makes you die,
Cuz you told him goodbye — that’s amore!

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