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DANGER: new viruses discovered!:
Congressional Virus v
2.0 : Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn’t allow the user to accomplish anything.
Tipper Gore Virus : When you attempt to play any sound file, it pops up a warning window stating that some lyrics may be unsuitable for children.
Government Ecomomist Virus : Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
New World Order Virus : Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
Warren Commission Virus : Won’t allow you to open your files for 75 years.
David Duke Virus : Makes your screen go completely white.
Pat Buchanan Virus : Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.
Texas Virus : Makes sure it’s bigger than any other file.
Adam And Eve Virus : Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
Warren Beatty Virus : Constantly tries to prove it’s virility by attaching itself to younger or newer files.
Airline Virus : You’re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
Freudian Virus : Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
PBS Virus : Your PC stops what it’s doing every few minutes to ask for money.
Jimmy Hoffa Virus : Nobody can find it.
Kevorkian Virus : Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to.
Healthcare Virus : Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends a you a bill for $4,
500.
LAPD Virus : It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in “self-defence”.
Billy Graham Virus : When you save a file, it prints, “I am saved!” to the screen.
Michael Jackson Virus : Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This Virus won’t harm your PC, but it will trash your car.
And finally…
JokeGalore.com Virus : poses as a harmless list of funny computer Virus names! Is quickly passed from one user to all other users known via e-mail, consequently consuming all known network resources.

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32429)      

Should you receive a document with any of the following viruses, you must immediately open the window and throw out your computer. I repeat, do not ever again use your computer should it be infected with ANY of these horrible viruses.
1. Freudian Virus
Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. Or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend’s hard drive.
2. Lorena Bobbit Virus
Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.
3. Tonya Harding Virus
Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons.
4. Paul Revere Virus
Warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:
5. Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus
Instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg.
6. Ollie North Virus
Plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files.
7. Joey Buttafuaco Virus
Only attacks minor files.
8. Ronald Reagan Virus
Saves your data, but forgets where it’s stored.
9. Jane Fonda Virus
Attacks your hard drive’s FAT.
10. Oprah Winfrey Virus
Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.
11. AT&T Virus
Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.
12. MCI Virus
Every three minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus.
13. Politically Correct Virus
Never calls itself a “virus,” but instead refers to itself as an “electronic microorganism.”
14. Ross Perot Virus
Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits.
15. Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus
Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back.
16. Government Economist Virus
Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
17. Federal Bureaucrat Virus
Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
18. Adam and Eve Virus
Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer.
19. Congressional Virus #1
The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.
20. Congressional Virus #2
Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn’t allow the user to accomplish anything.
21. Airline Virus
You’re in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
22. PBS Virus
Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.
23. Jimmy Hoffa Virus
Your programs can never be found again.
24. LAPD Virus
It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in “self-defense.”
25. O.J. Virus
It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it.
CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED!!!!!

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Related:  Valentine's Day (+249)      

15. My love for you… it came and went.
So your feet are now in wet cement.

14. I’m here To fulfill your fondest wishes
Now that your husband sleeps with the fishes.

13. Lie down with me — it’s my final offa,
Or you’ll be lying wit’ Jimmy Hoffa.

12. I picked up this card from a slim selection
But that’s all they offer here in witness protection.
Love, J. Doe

11. I’ve waited so long for you to be mine.
Now that Sinatra’s dead, be *my* Valentine.

10. Be my Valentine, and we can do it execution-style.

9. Cinderella got her fella, with a slipper made of glass;
So please be mine, Valentine, or I’ll have to whack your ass.

8. Violets are blue, roses are red,
I blew up your car — So why ain’t you dead?

7. The day we met, my little pet, I knew with just one look
You’d bear a son, and now that’s done, So shut your mouth and cook!

6. Hey.

5. Youse da greatest. Youse da best.
But you’re as untouchable as Elliot Ness.

4. Lust is fleeting, true love lingers.
Be mine always and you’ll keep your fingers.

3. Hope da chocolates is good, but y’know, dis ain’t really what a guy’s heart looks like.

2. Valentine, Dear, lend me a hand
So I won’t be a self-made man.

1. When a goon makes you die,
Cuz you told him goodbye — that’s amore!

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Related:  Valentine's Day (+249)      

15. My love for you… it came and went.
So your feet are now in wet cement.

14. I’m here To fulfill your fondest wishes
Now that your husband sleeps with the fishes.

13. Lie down with me — it’s my final offa,
Or you’ll be lying wit’ Jimmy Hoffa.

12. I picked up this card from a slim selection
But that’s all they offer here in witness protection.
Love, J. Doe

11. I’ve waited so long for you to be mine.
Now that Sinatra’s dead, be *my* Valentine.

10. Be my Valentine, and we can do it execution-style.

9. Cinderella got her fella, with a slipper made of glass;
So please be mine, Valentine, or I’ll have to whack your ass.

8. Violets are blue, roses are red,
I blew up your car — So why ain’t you dead?

7. The day we met, my little pet, I knew with just one look
You’d bear a son, and now that’s done, So shut your mouth and cook!

6. Hey.

5. Youse da greatest. Youse da best.
But you’re as untouchable as Elliot Ness.

4. Lust is fleeting, true love lingers.
Be mine always and you’ll keep your fingers.

3. Hope da chocolates is good, but y’know, dis ain’t really what a guy’s heart looks like.

2. Valentine, Dear, lend me a hand
So I won’t be a self-made man.

1. When a goon makes you die,
Cuz you told him goodbye — that’s amore!

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32429)      

MAFIA Valetine Card Verses
My love for you… it came and went.
So your feet are now in wet cement.
I’m here To fulfill your fondest wishes
Now that your husband sleeps with the fishes.
Lie down with me — it’s my final offa,
Or you’ll be lying wit’ Jimmy Hoffa.
I picked up this card from a slim selection
But that’s all they offer here in witness protection.
Be my Valentine, and we can do it execution-style.
Cinderella got her fella, with a slipper made of glass;
So please be mine, Valentine, or I’ll have to whack your ass.
Violets are blue, roses are red,
I blew up your car — So why ain’t you dead?
The day we met, my little pet, I knew with just one look
You’d bear a son, and now that’s done, So shut your mouth and cook!
Youse da greatest. Youse da best.
But you’re as untouchable as Elliot Ness.
Lust is fleeting, true love lingers.
Be mine always and you’ll keep your fingers.
Hope da chocolates is good, but y’know, dis ain’t really what a guy’s heart looks like.
When a goon makes you die,
Cuz you told him goodbye — that’s amore!

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