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One day, a poor woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river when his axe fell into the river. When he began crying, God appeared and asked him, “Why are you crying?”
The woodcutter told him that he had dropped his axe into water.
God went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
“Is this your axe?”, God asked. The woodcutter said “No”.
God again went down and came up with a silver axe.
“Is this your axe?” God asked. The woodcutter said “No”.
God went down again and came up with an iron axe. “Is this your axe?”, God asked. The woodcutter said, “Yes”.
God was so pleased with the man’s honesty that he gave him all the three axes. The woodcutter went home happy.
Many months later, while the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the river, she fell into the river. When he began crying, God appeared and asked him, “Why are you crying?”
“My wife has fallen into the water and I can’t swim.”
God went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. “Is this your wife?”, God asked.
“Yes”, he said.
God was furious, “YOOOOOU CHEEEEAT!! Now I am going to punish you.”
The woodcutter quickly said, “Please forgive me, My Lord. It is a misunderstanding. If I said “No” to Jennifer Lopez, you would have come up with Joan Collins. If I also said “No” to her, you would have finally come up with my wife and I would say “Yes”. Then you would give all the three women to me. I am a poor man. I would not be able to look after all three of them, so that’s why I had to say “Yes”…

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Related:  Technology (+1816)      

Ellen Degeneres Virus — Your IBM suddenly claims it’s a MAC.

Monica Lewinsky Virus — Sucks all the money out of your computer.

Disney Virus — Everything in the computer suddenly goes Goofy.

Mike Tyson Virus — Quits after one byte.

Sharon Stone Virus — Huge initial impact, then you forget it’s there.

Prozac Virus — Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn’t care.

Lorena Bobbit Virus — Turns your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy.

Tim Allen Virus — Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact.

Woody Allen Virus — Bypasses the motherboard and turns on your daughter card.

Saddam Hussein Virus — Won’t let you into any of your programs.

Tonya Harding Virus — Turns your BAT files into lethal weapons.

George Michaels Virus — Runs it’s course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup.

Joey Buttafuco Virus — Only attacks minor files.

X-files Virus — All your icons start shape shifting.

Spice Girls Virus — Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.

Ronald Regan Virus — Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

Dr. Jack Kevorkian Virus — Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.

Sonny Bono Virus — Just when you get surfing the web, a firewall appears out of nowhere.

Martha Stewart Virus — Takes all your files, sorts them by category, and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop.

Opra Winfrey Virus — Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

AT&T Virus — Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI Virus — Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus — Terminates and stays resident. It will be back….

Found by the Tamster in Daily Humor.

Bobbit Virus — Removes a vital part of your hard disk, then reattaches it. Unfortunately, the area is permanently disabled.

Politically Correct Virus — Never calls itself a “virus,” but instead refers to itself as an “electronic microorganism.”

Right To Life Virus — Won’t allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a consultant about possible alternatives.

Ross Perot Virus — Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.

Ted Turner Virus — Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

Dan Quayle Virus — Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining a binary network.

Government Economist Virus — Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

New World Order Virus — Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Federal Bureaucrat Virus — Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

Gallup Virus — Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error.)

Texas Virus — Makes sure that it’s bigger than any other file.

Adam And Eve Virus — Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Congressional Virus — The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Airline Virus — You’re in Dallas, but your data ends up in Singapore.

Freudian Virus — Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard.

PBS Virus — Your programs stop every few minutes asking for more money.

Elvis Virus — Makes your computer get fat and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across America.

Ollie North Virus — Causes your printer to suddenly become a paper shredder.

Found by the Tamster in NetDummy.

Sears Virus — Your data won’t appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.

Jimmy Hoffa Virus — Your programs can never be found again.

Congressional Virus #2 — Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn’t allow the user to accomplish anything.

Kevorkian Virus — Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

Imelda Marcos Virus — Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

Star Trek Virus — Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

Some more found by the Tamster in NetDummy.

Mario Cuomo Virus — It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus 2 — Terminates your session and then disappears. It’ll be back.

Dan Quayle Virus 2 — Thers sumthin rong wit yur komputer, butt ewe jsut cant figyour it out!

Sent in by Anita.

The Clinton Virus — Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.

The Bob Dole (aka: Viagra) Virus — Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

The Lewinsky Virus 2 — Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did.

The Jack Kervorkian Virus 2 — Deletes all old files.

The Ellen Degeneras Virus 2 — Disks can no longer be inserted.

The following were sent in by KiM.

The Survivor Virus — Deletes your files one by one over 13 weeks until only the most annoying one remains.

The Jennifer Lopez Virus — Adjusts screen so that you see a lot of words, but not the ones you *really* want to see.

The Microsoft Virus — Renders your computer virtually useless. Also known by the name “Windows 98.”

The Al Gore Virus — Claims that it *IS* the internet.

The Tiger Woods Virus — Beats the holy crap out of you in every computer game you play.

The Wonderbra Virus — Results in overflow stack.

The Britney Spears Virus — Your partitions mysteriously quadruple in size overnight.

The Firestone Virus — Leaves chunks of its code all over the information highway.

The Kurt Cobain Virus — Deletes itself before it has a chance to do anything important.

The George W. Virus — Causes your CPU to keep executing and executing and executing …

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Related:  Marriage (+788)      

One day, a poor woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river when his axe fell into the river. When he began crying, God appeared and asked him, “Why are you crying?”
The woodcutter told him that he had dropped his axe into water.
God went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
“Is this your axe?”, God asked. The woodcutter said “No”.
God again went down and came up with a silver axe.
“Is this your axe?” God asked. The woodcutter said “No”.
God went down again and came up with an iron axe. “Is this your axe?”, God asked. The woodcutter said, “Yes”.
God was so pleased with the man’s honesty that he gave him all the three axes. The woodcutter went home happy.
Many months later, while the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the river, she fell into the river. When he began crying, God appeared and asked him, “Why are you crying?”
“My wife has fallen into the water and I can’t swim.”
God went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. “Is this your wife?”, God asked.
“Yes”, he said.
God was furious, “YOOOOOU CHEEEEAT!! Now I am going to punish you.”
The woodcutter quickly said, “Please forgive me, My Lord. It is a misunderstanding. If I said “No” to Jennifer Lopez, you would have come up with Joan Collins. If I also said “No” to her, you would have finally come up with my wife and I would say “Yes”. Then you would give all the three women to me. I am a poor man. I would not be able to look after all three of them, so that’s why I had to say “Yes”…

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Related:  Marriage (+788)      

One day, a poor woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river when his axe fell into the river. When he began crying, God appeared and asked him, “Why are you crying?”
The woodcutter told him that he had dropped his axe into water.
God went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe.
“Is this your axe?”, God asked. The woodcutter said “No”.
God again went down and came up with a silver axe.
“Is this your axe?” God asked. The woodcutter said “No”.
God went down again and came up with an iron axe. “Is this your axe?”, God asked. The woodcutter said, “Yes”.
God was so pleased with the man’s honesty that he gave him all the three axes. The woodcutter went home happy.
Many months later, while the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the river, she fell into the river. When he began crying, God appeared and asked him, “Why are you crying?”
“My wife has fallen into the water and I can’t swim.”
God went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. “Is this your wife?”, God asked.
“Yes”, he said.
God was furious, “YOOOOOU CHEEEEAT!! Now I am going to punish you.”
The woodcutter quickly said, “Please forgive me, My Lord. It is a misunderstanding. If I said “No” to Jennifer Lopez, you would have come up with Joan Collins. If I also said “No” to her, you would have finally come up with my wife and I would say “Yes”. Then you would give all the three women to me. I am a poor man. I would not be able to look after all three of them, so that’s why I had to say “Yes”…

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