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Bumper Stickers
“The gene pool could use a little chlorine.” “All generalizations are false.” “Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.” “Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.” “I love cats…they taste just like chicken” “Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.” “Seen on an old, beat-up car: “This is not an abandoned vehicle.” “Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons.” “Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death” “Cover me. I’m changing lanes.” “As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools” “Happiness is a belt-fed weapon” “The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.” “Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.” “Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.” “REHAB is for quitters” “I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!” “Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep” “All men are Idiots, and I married their King!” “E. coli Happens” “Ashes to ashes..dust to dust..get off my ass you crazy nut!” “Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician” “If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.” “SAVE A TREE: Eat a beaver” “I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather…not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car….” “Towers will be violated” “Work is for people who don’t know how to fish” “Sex is a misdemeanor. . .the more I miss it, the meaner I get !! ” “End rape. Say ‘Yes!’” “I KNOW JACK SHIT!” “Montana — At least our cows are sane!” “I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.” “Don’t blame me, I’m from Uranus.” “Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.” “Your kid may be an honor student but you’re still an IDIOT!” “It’s as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.” “If you don’t like the news, go out and make some.” “I Brake For No Apparent Reason.” “When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.” “Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.” “Nobody’s ugly after 2 a.m.! ” “Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.” “Friends don’t let Friends drive Naked.” “Wink, I’ll do the rest!” “I may be fat, but you’re ugly – I can lose weight!” “No Radio – Already Stolen” “Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.” “Real women don’t have hot flashes, they have power surges.” “I took an IQ test and the results were negative.” “When there’s a will, I want to be in it!” “Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?” “If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?” “Few women admit their age, Few men act it! ” “I’m as confused as a baby in a topless bar!” “I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!” “Assassins do it from behind!” “Learn from your parents mistakes – use birth control!” “Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!” “Tell me to ‘Stuff It’ – I’m a taxidermist.” “IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you have got. ” “Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it’s students!” “Which came first? The woman or the department store?” “LAWYER: A cat settles a dispute between 2 mice.” “It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.” “LOVE: two vowels, two consonants, two fools.” “According to my calculations the problem doesn’t exist.” “Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill them.” “Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.” “A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.” “Reality? That’s where the pizza delivery guy comes from!” “How Can I Miss You if You Won’t Go Away?” “I’m not as think as you drunk I am” “First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering” Seen on a woman’s car: “Men call us birds, we pick up worms” “Don’t come knocking if the car is rocking” “Save Water – Take a bath with your neighbor’s daughter” “Forget about World Peace…..Visualize Using Your Turn Signal ! ” “Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.” “Give me ambiguity or give me something else.” “We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?” “We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.” “Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.” “He who laughs last thinks slowest” “Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.” “Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.” “Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.” “Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.” “Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.” “Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.” “i souport publik edekasion” “The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.” “We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimulated.” “Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.” “Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder…” “3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t.” “Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?” “Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?” “Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie!’.. till you can find a rock.” “2 2 = 5 for extremely large values of
2.” “I like you, but I wouldn’t want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.” “I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. ” “Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy.” “I is a college student.” “Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.” “Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.” “Eschew obfuscation.” “God Is Coming, And She Is Pissed!” “I’m out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?” “CAUTION: This vehicle may wreck or explode for no apparent reason.” “We’re staying together for the sake of the cats.” “It’s been lovely, but I have to scream now.” “My karma ran over your dogma.” “Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.” “I don’t lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.” “Beautify Texas. Put a Yankee on a bus.” “Welcome to Texas, now go home.” “It’s as bad as you think and they are out to get you.” “If you don’t like the news, go out and make some of your own.” “Life’s too short to dance with ugly men.” “Life’s too short to dance with ugly women.” “My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she’s going to leave me. Gosh, I’m going to miss her.” “When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case heaven is like the IRS).” “Beer isn’t just for breakfast any more.” “Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.” “Will Rogers never met a lawyer.” “Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law’s face on the back of a milk carton.” “It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.” “Don’t steal. The government hates competition.” “Is there life before coffee?” “Never play leap frog with a unicorn.” “Nobody’s ugly after 2 a.m” “The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.” “I Cayman went.” “My other wife is beautiful.” “I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?” “Smile. It’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.” “Don’t laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle.” “Nuke the unborn baby whales.” “Geez if you belive in honkus.” “Friends don’t let friends drive naked.” “Save California; when you leave take someone with you.” “I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.” “There’s one in every crowd and they always find me.” “If money could talk, it would say goodbye.” “When you’re in love, you’re at the mercy of a stranger.” “Just when you think you’ve won the rat race along come faster rats.” “If it’s too loud, you’re too old.” “The worst day fishing is better than the best day working.” “Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing.” “Who cares who’s on board?” “Die Yuppie Scum.” “Crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.” “Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.” “Women make great leaders. You’re following one now.” “Carlsbad Caverns: 22% more cavities.” “Exxon Suxx.” “Honk if you love cheeses.” “Flying saucers are real, the Air Force doesn’t exist.” “I don’t care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would rather be.” “So many pedestrians, so little time.”

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Related:  Lists (+737)      

1. The Communist Manifesto as read by Ronald Reagan

2. The Torah as read by Louis Farrakhan

3. The Koran as read by Sammy Davis Junior

4. The Bible as read by Madeleine Murray O’Hare

5. Walden as read by James Watt

6. The Anarchist’s Cookbook as read by Theodore Kaczinsky

7. How To win Friends and Influence People as read by Dennis Rodman

8. Europe on $10 a Day as read by Steve Forbes

9. The Godfather as read by John Gotti

10. Mr. Boston’s Bar Guide as read by Ted Kennedy

11. Heather has 2 Mommies as read by Jesse Helms

12. The Diary of Anne Frank as read by Jesse Jackson

13. The Physician’s Desk Reference as read by Dr. Jack Kevorkian

14. Catcher in the Rye as read by Mark Chapman

15. Uncle Tom’s Cabin as read by George Wallace

17. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus as read by 2 Live Crew

18. The Cat in the Hat as read by BF Skinner

19. Where the Wild Things Are as read by Michael Jackson

20. A Rumor of War as read by Bill Clinton

21. Presumed Innocent as read by OJ Simpson

22. The Joy of Cooking as read by Karen Carpenter

23. Bridges of Madison County as read by Howard Stern

24. I’m Ok You’re Ok as read by Rush Limbaugh

25. The Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test as read by Bill Bennett

26. No One Gets Out of Here Alive as read by Kurt Cobain

27. Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail as read by Richard Nixon

28. Moby Dick as read by Jonah

29. The Pledge of Allegiance as read by Mahmud Abdul Rauf

30. Fear of Flying as read by Ron Brown

31. Thirty Days to a Stronger Vocabulary by Homer J. Simpson

32. Success for Dummies as read by Ross Perot

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32428)      

X-files virus:
All your Icons start shape shifting

Spice Girl virus:
Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop

Ronald Reagan virus:
Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored

Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus:
Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them

Sonny Bono virus:
Just when you get surfing the web, a firewall appears out of no where

Martha Stewart virus:
Takes all your files, sorts them by category and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop

AT&T virus:
Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting

MCI virus:
Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you’re paying too much for the AT&T virus

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus:
Terminates and stays resident. It’ll be back

Ellen Degeneres virus:
Your IBM suddenly claims it’s a MAC

Monica Lewinsky virus:
Sucks all the memory out of your computer

Titanic virus:
Makes your whole computer go down

Disney virus:
Everything in the computer goes Goofy

Mike Tyson virus:
Quits after one byte

Prozac virus:
Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn’t care

Sharon Stone virus:
Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it’s there.

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Related:  Unsorted Jokes (+32428)      

Bumper Stickers
“The gene pool could use a little chlorine.” “All generalizations are false.” “Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.” “Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.” “I love cats…they taste just like chicken” “Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.” “Seen on an old, beat-up car: “This is not an abandoned vehicle.” “Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons.” “Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death” “Cover me. I’m changing lanes.” “As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools” “Happiness is a belt-fed weapon” “The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.” “Laugh alone and the world thinks you’re an idiot.” “Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.” “REHAB is for quitters” “I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!” “Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep” “All men are Idiots, and I married their King!” “E. coli Happens” “Ashes to ashes..dust to dust..get off my ass you crazy nut!” “Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician” “If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.” “SAVE A TREE: Eat a beaver” “I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather…not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car….” “Towers will be violated” “Work is for people who don’t know how to fish” “Sex is a misdemeanor. . .the more I miss it, the meaner I get !! ” “End rape. Say ‘Yes!’” “I KNOW JACK SHIT!” “Montana — At least our cows are sane!” “I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.” “Don’t blame me, I’m from Uranus.” “Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.” “Your kid may be an honor student but you’re still an IDIOT!” “It’s as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.” “If you don’t like the news, go out and make some.” “I Brake For No Apparent Reason.” “When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.” “Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.” “Nobody’s ugly after 2 a.m.! ” “Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.” “Friends don’t let Friends drive Naked.” “Wink, I’ll do the rest!” “I may be fat, but you’re ugly – I can lose weight!” “No Radio – Already Stolen” “Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.” “Real women don’t have hot flashes, they have power surges.” “I took an IQ test and the results were negative.” “When there’s a will, I want to be in it!” “Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?” “If we aren’t supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?” “Few women admit their age, Few men act it! ” “I’m as confused as a baby in a topless bar!” “I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!” “Assassins do it from behind!” “Learn from your parents mistakes – use birth control!” “Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!” “Tell me to ‘Stuff It’ – I’m a taxidermist.” “IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you have got. ” “Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all it’s students!” “Which came first? The woman or the department store?” “LAWYER: A cat settles a dispute between 2 mice.” “It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.” “LOVE: two vowels, two consonants, two fools.” “According to my calculations the problem doesn’t exist.” “Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill them.” “Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.” “A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.” “Reality? That’s where the pizza delivery guy comes from!” “How Can I Miss You if You Won’t Go Away?” “I’m not as think as you drunk I am” “First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, then the suffering” Seen on a woman’s car: “Men call us birds, we pick up worms” “Don’t come knocking if the car is rocking” “Save Water – Take a bath with your neighbor’s daughter” “Forget about World Peace…..Visualize Using Your Turn Signal ! ” “Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.” “Give me ambiguity or give me something else.” “We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?” “We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.” “Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.” “He who laughs last thinks slowest” “Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.” “Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.” “Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.” “Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.” “Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.” “Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.” “i souport publik edekasion” “The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.” “We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimulated.” “Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.” “Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder…” “3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can’t.” “Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?” “Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?” “Diplomacy is the art of saying ‘Nice doggie!’.. till you can find a rock.” “2 2 = 5 for extremely large values of
2.” “I like you, but I wouldn’t want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.” “I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. ” “Auntie Em: Hate you, Hate Kansas, Taking the dog. -Dorothy.” “I is a college student.” “Sex on television can’t hurt you unless you fall off.” “Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.” “Eschew obfuscation.” “God Is Coming, And She Is Pissed!” “I’m out of bed and dressed, What more do you want?” “CAUTION: This vehicle may wreck or explode for no apparent reason.” “We’re staying together for the sake of the cats.” “It’s been lovely, but I have to scream now.” “My karma ran over your dogma.” “Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.” “I don’t lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.” “Beautify Texas. Put a Yankee on a bus.” “Welcome to Texas, now go home.” “It’s as bad as you think and they are out to get you.” “If you don’t like the news, go out and make some of your own.” “Life’s too short to dance with ugly men.” “Life’s too short to dance with ugly women.” “My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she’s going to leave me. Gosh, I’m going to miss her.” “When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case heaven is like the IRS).” “Beer isn’t just for breakfast any more.” “Sorry, I don’t date outside my species.” “Will Rogers never met a lawyer.” “Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law’s face on the back of a milk carton.” “It’s lonely at the top, but you eat better.” “Don’t steal. The government hates competition.” “Is there life before coffee?” “Never play leap frog with a unicorn.” “Nobody’s ugly after 2 a.m” “The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.” “I Cayman went.” “My other wife is beautiful.” “I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?” “Smile. It’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.” “Don’t laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle.” “Nuke the unborn baby whales.” “Geez if you belive in honkus.” “Friends don’t let friends drive naked.” “Save California; when you leave take someone with you.” “I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.” “There’s one in every crowd and they always find me.” “If money could talk, it would say goodbye.” “When you’re in love, you’re at the mercy of a stranger.” “Just when you think you’ve won the rat race along come faster rats.” “If it’s too loud, you’re too old.” “The worst day fishing is better than the best day working.” “Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing.” “Who cares who’s on board?” “Die Yuppie Scum.” “Crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.” “Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.” “Women make great leaders. You’re following one now.” “Carlsbad Caverns: 22% more cavities.” “Exxon Suxx.” “Honk if you love cheeses.” “Flying saucers are real, the Air Force doesn’t exist.” “I don’t care who you are, what you are driving, or where you would rather be.” “So many pedestrians, so little time.”

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Related:  Technology (+1816)      

Ellen Degeneres Virus — Your IBM suddenly claims it’s a MAC.

Monica Lewinsky Virus — Sucks all the money out of your computer.

Disney Virus — Everything in the computer suddenly goes Goofy.

Mike Tyson Virus — Quits after one byte.

Sharon Stone Virus — Huge initial impact, then you forget it’s there.

Prozac Virus — Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn’t care.

Lorena Bobbit Virus — Turns your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy.

Tim Allen Virus — Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact.

Woody Allen Virus — Bypasses the motherboard and turns on your daughter card.

Saddam Hussein Virus — Won’t let you into any of your programs.

Tonya Harding Virus — Turns your BAT files into lethal weapons.

George Michaels Virus — Runs it’s course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup.

Joey Buttafuco Virus — Only attacks minor files.

X-files Virus — All your icons start shape shifting.

Spice Girls Virus — Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.

Ronald Regan Virus — Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

Dr. Jack Kevorkian Virus — Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.

Sonny Bono Virus — Just when you get surfing the web, a firewall appears out of nowhere.

Martha Stewart Virus — Takes all your files, sorts them by category, and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop.

Opra Winfrey Virus — Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

AT&T Virus — Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI Virus — Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T virus.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus — Terminates and stays resident. It will be back….

Found by the Tamster in Daily Humor.

Bobbit Virus — Removes a vital part of your hard disk, then reattaches it. Unfortunately, the area is permanently disabled.

Politically Correct Virus — Never calls itself a “virus,” but instead refers to itself as an “electronic microorganism.”

Right To Life Virus — Won’t allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a consultant about possible alternatives.

Ross Perot Virus — Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.

Ted Turner Virus — Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

Dan Quayle Virus — Prevents your system from spawning any child process without joining a binary network.

Government Economist Virus — Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

New World Order Virus — Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.

Federal Bureaucrat Virus — Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

Gallup Virus — Sixty percent of the PCs infected will lose 38 percent of their data 14 percent of the time. (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error.)

Texas Virus — Makes sure that it’s bigger than any other file.

Adam And Eve Virus — Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

Congressional Virus — The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem.

Airline Virus — You’re in Dallas, but your data ends up in Singapore.

Freudian Virus — Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard.

PBS Virus — Your programs stop every few minutes asking for more money.

Elvis Virus — Makes your computer get fat and lazy, then self destructs; only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across America.

Ollie North Virus — Causes your printer to suddenly become a paper shredder.

Found by the Tamster in NetDummy.

Sears Virus — Your data won’t appear unless you buy new cables, power supply and a set of shocks.

Jimmy Hoffa Virus — Your programs can never be found again.

Congressional Virus #2 — Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesn’t allow the user to accomplish anything.

Kevorkian Virus — Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.

Imelda Marcos Virus — Sings you a song (slightly off key) on boot up, then subtracts money from your Quicken account and spends it all on expensive shoes it purchases through Prodigy.

Star Trek Virus — Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

Some more found by the Tamster in NetDummy.

Mario Cuomo Virus — It would be a great virus, but it refuses to run.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus 2 — Terminates your session and then disappears. It’ll be back.

Dan Quayle Virus 2 — Thers sumthin rong wit yur komputer, butt ewe jsut cant figyour it out!

Sent in by Anita.

The Clinton Virus — Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.

The Bob Dole (aka: Viagra) Virus — Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

The Lewinsky Virus 2 — Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then Emails everyone about what it did.

The Jack Kervorkian Virus 2 — Deletes all old files.

The Ellen Degeneras Virus 2 — Disks can no longer be inserted.

The following were sent in by KiM.

The Survivor Virus — Deletes your files one by one over 13 weeks until only the most annoying one remains.

The Jennifer Lopez Virus — Adjusts screen so that you see a lot of words, but not the ones you *really* want to see.

The Microsoft Virus — Renders your computer virtually useless. Also known by the name “Windows 98.”

The Al Gore Virus — Claims that it *IS* the internet.

The Tiger Woods Virus — Beats the holy crap out of you in every computer game you play.

The Wonderbra Virus — Results in overflow stack.

The Britney Spears Virus — Your partitions mysteriously quadruple in size overnight.

The Firestone Virus — Leaves chunks of its code all over the information highway.

The Kurt Cobain Virus — Deletes itself before it has a chance to do anything important.

The George W. Virus — Causes your CPU to keep executing and executing and executing …

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