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Related:  Animals (+5195)      

The Original Version
The ant busts his tail in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he’s a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

The New Liberal Version
The ant busts his tail in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he’s a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter.
Shivering, the grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving. CBS, NBC, and ABC show up and provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a film of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.
America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so? Then a representative of the NAAGB (The National Association of Green Bugs) shows up on Night Line and charges the ant with “Green Bias” and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism. Kermit the frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings “It’s Not Easy Being Green.”
Bill and Hillary Clinton make a special guest appearance on the CBS Evening News and tell a concerned Dan Rather that they will do everything they can for the grasshopper who has been denied the prosperity he deserves by those who benefited unfairly during the Reagan summers, or as Bill refers to it, the “Temperatures Of The 80′s.”
Finally the EEOC drafts the “Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act” RETROACTIVE to the beginning of the summer. The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill appointed from a list of single-parent welfare moms who can only hear cases on Thursday afternoon between 1:30 and 3:00 PM when there are no talk shows scheduled. The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant’s food while the government house he’s in…which just happens to be the ant’s old house . . . crumbles around him since he doesn’t know how to maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant’s food, they are showing Bill Clinton standing before a wildly applauding group of Democrats announcing that a new era of “Fairness” has dawned in America.

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Related:  Clinton (+187)      

Bill Clinton is visiting a school. In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a “tragedy.”
One little boy stands up and offers, “If my best friend who lives next door was playing in the street when a car came along and killed him, that would be a tragedy.”
“No,” Clinton says, “That would be an ACCIDENT.”
A girl raises her hand. “If a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved… that would be a tragedy.”
“I’m afraid not,” explains Clinton. “That is what we would call a GREAT LOSS.”
The room is silent; none of the other children volunteer.
“What?” asks Clinton, “Isn’t there any one here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”
Finally, a boy in the back raises his hand. In a timid voice, he says: “If an airplane carrying Bill & Hillary Clinton were blown up by a bomb, THAT would be a tragedy.”
“Wonderful!” Clinton beams. “Marvelous! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?”
“Well,” says the boy, “because it wouldn’t be an accident, and it certainly would not be a great loss!”

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Related:  Men (+300)      

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME________________________ DATE OF BIRTH______________

HEIGHT________ WEIGHT__________ IQ________ GPA__________

SOCIAL SECURITY #________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #__________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES_______________________________

HOME ADDRESS___________________ CITY/STATE__________ ZIP_____

Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent? ___________________________

If NO, please explain ____________________________________________

___________________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married _______________________________

If less than your age, explain _______________________________________

____________________________________________________________

Do you own a van? _______________

A truck with oversized tires? _______________

A waterbed? _______________

A pickup with a mattress in the back? _______________

Do you have earring, nose ring, or a belly button ring? _______________

A tattoo? _______________

(IF YES TO THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES)

In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?_______________________

__________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, mean to you?

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?

_________________________________________________________

_________________________________________________________

Church you attend ______________________________________________________

How often you attend __________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

father? _____________

mother? _____________

priest? _____________

Answer by filling in the blank.
Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

________________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

__________________________________________________________

C: A woman’s place is in the:

_________________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

__________________________________________________________

E: When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is:

__________________________________________________________

NOTE: if answer E begins with T or A, discontinue.
Leaving premises keeping your head low and running in a serpentine
fashion is advised.

What do you want to do IF you grow up? ______________________________

__________________________________________________________

__________________________________________________________

What is the current going rate of a hotel room? _____________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE
BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE
AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER
TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

_______________________________________
Signature (that means sign your name moron)

Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can’t, and it would cause you injury) If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases (you might watch your back).

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Related:  Politics (+3829)      

First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks. Hillary says to Janet, “You’re lucky that you don’t have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker.”

Janet responded, “Just because I am esthetically challenged (that’s “politically correct” for ugly) doesn’t mean I don’t have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances.”

Hillary asks, “Well how do you deal with the problem?”

Replies Janet, “Whenever I feel that a guy is getting ready to make a pass at me, I muster all my might and squeeze out the loudest, nastiest, fart I can.”

Well, that night, Bill was already in bed with the lights out when Hillary headed to bed. She could hear him start to stir, and knew that he would be wanting some action. She had been saving her farts all day, and was ready for him. She tenses up her butt cheeks and forces out the most disgusting sounding fart you could imagine.

Bill rolls over and says, “Is that you Janet?”

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Related:  Politics (+3829), Q & A (+15911)      

Q: What’s the difference between Hillary Clinton and a pit bull?

A: The pit bull doesn’t carry a briefcase.

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